Narrator: “In our last episode, we saw that Dr. Daka, evil foreign spy, had miraculously survived his last encounter with Batman (with some limbs still intact) and has been laying low in the non-church-going section of Gotham City. While researching plans to build an army of obedient zombies and power a massive atom disintegrator, Daka made the mistake of arousing the suspicions of librarian Barbara Gordon, also known as the famous crime fighter Batgirl. She contacts Batman, who is now submersed in the difficult task of tracing the location and identity of a foe whose continued existence is unknown to the world.”
Scene: The Batcave. Batman and Robin are mulling over stacks of computer printouts in front of a computer called the ‘Bat Census Data Analyzer.’
Batman: “Look at this. When our wayward census taker stopped at this house at 1504 Irony Lane, the homeowners report that not only was he cheerful and polite, but he volunteered to help the children with their homework and led a sing-along of tunes from My Fair Lady.”
Robin: “But he doesn’t turn in any forms for the entire remainder of Irony Lane and by the time of his next stop on Powers Way, the forms are all being filled out by the occupants themselves, many of whom reported that their valuables were missing after he left.”
Batman: “That means that our first stop will be 1506 Irony Lane…”
Robin: “The Happy Cockroach Apartment Complex! I sure wish we had a way to contact Batgirl about this! We haven’t heard from her in awhile.”
Batman: “It wouldn’t surprise me one bit if our competitive colleague has already unearthed clues leading her straight to that very location. Let’s go!”
Narrator: “While, at the Happy Cockroach Apartment Complex …”
Scene: Daka’s kitchen. Close-up of Daka licking his lips in evil anticipation. He is holding several spices and a salt shaker in his hands. Close-up of the oven. It looks very hot.
Narrator: “When last we saw Batgirl, she was wrapped up and muzzled on a platter, about to become a last minute substitute for roast pig on Dr. Daka’s dinner menu!”
The zombies are holding Batgirl on the platter between them as Dr. Daka sprinkles salt and garlic on her squirming form.
Daka: “Just a pinch of seasoning and . . . she is ready! Into the oven with her!”
Heavily secured in ropes, the apple filling her mouth, Batgirl looks in alarm from one blank-expressioned zombie to the other as they make their way back towards the oven. They move at a very slow speed that gives one the feeling they will not actually reach their destination before the opening credits.
The zombies have still not made it across the room to the oven.
View from inside the oven: we see Batgirl's wide-eyed face on the platter as it makes its slow approach.
Her fetching bottom wiggles and bucks as she attempts to tug her hands loose. Daka watches, spellbound, as the shaking purple derriere passes before his eyes. Zoom in on Daka as he fondly recalls a happy moment from earlier in his day. The screen shimmers into a brief flashback of his crab-klaw hand sneaking up behind Barbara Gordon's posterior. Screen shimmers back to the close-up of Daka salivating at Batgirl.
Daka: "Yess - every bit as tempting as the librarian's hindquarters. And just as firm? (into microphone): Stop!”
Licking his lips, Daka frantically unscrews his current “kitchen mitt” hand and feels around his pockets.
Daka: “This occasion calls for my crab-klaw hand. Wait right there. Do not move.”
He hops off to the back room.
Narrator: “Having landed on the roof in the Bat-Copter, the Dynamic Duo are now scaling down the side of Daka’s apartment building on their trusty Bat-Ropes . . . but can they reach Batgirl before she becomes the evening’s main course? Hurry, Batman, hurry!”
Robin: “…but are you sure he’s really Japanese? Wouldn’t he have been put in an internment camp back then?”
Batman: “Yes, Robin. It’s a sad, sad irony that the one person that the authorities had reason to fear was left free, while thousands of innocents were uprooted from their homes, deprived of their belongings, and shipped off to camps under armed guard.”
Robin: “Gosh, that’s not fair!”
Batman: “No, it wasn’t. It’s a sad day when Americans are denied their basic liberties based upon their skin color.”
Robin: “How do you think he avoided being shipped off with all those Japanese-Americans?”
Batman: “The doctor had years of training in concealing his whereabouts and had sufficient funding from his Axis bosses to acquire everything he needed - devious weaponry, arcane poisons and an entire amusement park - complete with hidden rooms from which to operate his criminal ring.”
Robin: “It looks like his funding ran dry, Batman, judging by the looks of this place! (pausing his descent) Look, this window’s full of holes! It looks like someone spent a whole day throwing rocks at it!”
Batman: “And look who’s inside said window…”
Window opens to reveal…
Robin: “The Wizard!”
Wizard: “What do you want? Did the electric company send you? Well, it’s the old man downstairs causing those brownouts, not me!”
Batman: “That wouldn’t be one Dr. Daka you’re referring to, by any chance…”
Robin: “The warped criminal scientist and spy….”
Wizard: “That’s him. Downstairs. 2A. You ‘d better really rough him up if you want to catch him. He’s a lot stronger than he looks.”
Batman: “I’m sure Robin and I are touched by your concern for us. Keep your nose clean, Wizard, or we’ll be back for you.”
Wizard: “Sure. Go get him, Bathound. And take the poodle with you. (to Robin) Fetch, boy.” (slams window)
Robin: “Why that dirty doppelganger! I’d like to box his ears.”
Batman: “Not right now, Robin. We’ve more important eels to snare.”
Downstairs, Batgirl continues to struggle on the platter as she tries to communicate with the zombies through the apple.
Batgirl: “Umm I ee! Umm I ee!”
The zombies stare straight ahead, ignoring her.
Daka is in the back, tossing aside prosthetic devices as he searches for his claw hand. He turns at the sound of glass breaking. The Dynamic Duo burst through, creating a gaping hole in the window.
Daka: “Batman!”
Batman: “So, it really is you, Daka! You’re still alive.”
Robin: “Looks like some creatures are too low even for Hades, eh, Batman?”
Daka: “You don’t happen to see a hand attachment resembling a crab-claw over there, do you?”
Robin: “You’ll need a lot more than a crab-claw to stop us from sending you to prison, you twisted monster!”
Batman: “I’m sure you wouldn’t mind explaining how you survived being eaten by your alligators?”
Daka: “Not at all, Batman."
(screen shimmers as he remembers, and we are treated to black and white footage of a younger Daka back when he still had all his limbs.
A fleeing Daka falls through a trap door in the floor)
Batman: “And then you spent years hiding in poverty and squalor. I’ll wager that for months afterward, you managed to cling to the notion that you had emerged victorious, convinced that you were some clever breed of winner - rather than a pathetic, reclusive malcontent!”
Daka: “Oh, I AM the winner, Batman. I am building a zombie army comprised of your witless countrymen and soon I will be blasting large sections of your homeland into…what is word?”
Robin: “Oblivion?”
Batman: “Smithereens?”
Daka: “Yes, smithereens. But before I eradicate your existence from this planet, perhaps you would like to be my guests for an evening of fine dining. I think you will find one rare dish tonight particularly tasty. Excuse, please, while I check on the preparations (into microphone, nonchalantly) Wall, Harold, please put dinner in the oven.”
Batgirl: “Too late, Daka.”
Batgirl is standing in the doorway behind Daka, dangling the klaw hand from her fingertips.
Batgirl: “Were you looking for this? Sorry to spoil your dinner plans, but I’ve had a little practice working with stubborn restraints before.”
Batman: “Batgirl! Are you all right?”
Batgirl: “Fine, now, Batman. After I heard about the doctor’s little scene at the library, I knew enough to snatch his claw from him when I saw the opportunity during our tussle. But as it turned out, I needed more luck than that to save me. The doctor had me captured and immobilized - except he overlooked one of my most potent ASSets!”
Daka: (into microphone) “Never mind dinner! Destroy the super-heroes!”
The zombies charge into the room and attack our heroes.
Wall shoves Batgirl into Batman.
Batman lifts her by the waist and spins in a circle. Batgirl’s spinning boot catches Harold in the side of the head and then connects with Daka on the second spin.
Wall manages to dodge the shapely leg, grabs her foot, and gives a super-strong tug to the side, causing Batman to spin out of control and sending the two crashing onto a table. Wall dives on top, but Batman and Batgirl have already rolled to opposite sides, leaving Wall to land face first on the table, which collapses. >SMASH!< Hands fly everywhere.
A blade attachment spins across the floor towards Daka, who plucks it up.
Batgirl grabs a standard hand attachment and begins slapping Harold with it.
Robin grabs an oversized “We’re Number 1” hand and hurls it like a javelin at Wall. Daka puts on the cutlass hand and begins dueling with Batman, who has seized a buzz saw hand.
>KLANG!<
Robin throws a punch at Harold, who blocks it by catching Robin’s fist. He squeezes and yanks Robin’s arm forward. Harold brings his other fist down from above, but there is no body attached to the glove for him to smash. Harold suddenly realizes that he is holding onto a fake hand inside of Robin’s glove.
Robin’s real fist sails into his nose. >SMAT!<
Batman and Daka are still trading slashes and parries. >CLASH!< >KLANK!<
Robin drives a punch into the zombie’s mid-section. An uppercut straightens Harold back up.
>POW!<
>WHACK!<Robin is suddenly backhanded by the fake hand inside his own glove, knocking him back. Harold advances, swinging the heavy glove. Robin somersaults backwards out of harm’s way.
Batman grimaces as Daka’s bionic peg leg shoots out to stomp on his toes. Daka slashes the saw out of Batman’s hand, then lunges for the kill.
Batman sidesteps and Daka skewers Wall, who was intent on grabbing the Caped Crusader.
Wall clutches the wound and drops to the floor.
Robin: “Holy Puncture Wound! Daka stabbed him unconscious!”
Daka: “What you mean unconscious? There is blood all over the floor! This man is dead!”
Robin: “Dead?”
Daka: “Ahh…..you are not accustomed to dealing with adversaries who take the necessary steps to finish off their foes, rather than placing them in ridiculous deathtraps, are you?”
Robin: (looks at the bleeding Wall) “You butcher!”
Daka: “Raises the stakes, does it not, Boy Wonder? One slight mistake and…..(starts to make slicing motion across his neck, then remembers that his hand is a cutlass). Why do you hesitate? Aren’t you going to try swinging from my chandelier, or perform one of your equally gymnastic maneuvers?”
Batgirl: “How do you like this maneuver, Doctor?”
She high-kicks Daka in the jaw. >WHACK!<
He leaves his feet and lands flat on his back on a table. Batman moves in, but a flame suddenly shoots from Daka’s bionic peg leg.
As the Terrific Trio shields their eyes from the glare, the flame widens and with a roar, shoots Daka across the room and through the window like a rocket launcher.
Batman: “Quickly, Robin, the back door!”
Batman and Robin sprint from the room.
Batgirl whirls around to finish off Harold. He’s nowhere to be seen. Batgirl picks up a phone and quickly dials a number.
Scene: Apartment building, exterior. The Dynamic Duo comes racing out the back door. Daka’s peg leg suddenly appears from nowhere at ankle level, tripping them and sending them into the turf. As the peg leg retracts, their eyes follow it back to its owner, who is kneeling nearby. Springing back up, Batman charges. Daka plants his peg leg on the ground as if to stand. With a big ‘sproing’, the peg leg extends like a pogo stick, shooting Daka into the air and out of Batman’s grasp. Batman and Robin exchange an agitated look, then charge off in pursuit.
Scene: Police Headquarters
Commissioner Gordon (picking up ringing phone): “Commissioner Gordon speaking.”
Batgirl: “Commissioner, this is Batgirl. Send a squad car immediately to 1506 Irony Lane. And…do you happen to know if Gotham City still has a coroner?”
Gordon: “Yes, although I’m not sure she’s necessary. Everyone knows that all good Gothamites eat a healthy balanced diet, get plenty of exercise and brush after every meal. Why on earth do you ask, Batgirl?”
Batgirl: “We’ve found your census bandit, but I’m afraid that he was run through with some type of sword by Dr. Daka. His health now appears to have sunk to a level that is very, very low by Gotham standards.”
Gordon: “Great Scott! We’ll be right there!”
Outside, Batman and Robin skid to a stop, and turn in circles, looking for Daka.
Robin: “Batman, there!”
They see Daka several hundred feet away, disappearing down a trap door hidden in the lawn. They sprint over to the trap door, and without hesitation leap down it.
They land on pavement. They are in a parking garage beneath the building. They squint in the darkness and see they are standing behind a car.
The automobile in front of them suddenly roars to life. Smoke billows out the exhaust pipe into their faces as the engine revs.
Daka: “Batman, I have heard that man who runs behind cars soon becomes exhausted!”
He peels out and the car tears through the garage. Coughing, the Dynamic Duo wave the exhaust out of their eyes, just in time to see Daka’s car turning around.
Burning rubber, it heads straight for them.
Daka: “And man who runs in front of cars soon gets tired!”
We see our heroes’ point-of-view of the speeding car, tires smoking, as it bears down on them.
Daka’s triumphant grin fades as a Batarang appears from nowhere and the line attached to it wraps itself around his steering wheel. At the other end of the line, over by the staircase, Batgirl yanks on the line. The steering wheel turns sharply to the left.
Wide shot: An empty parking spot. “Handicapped Parking,” reads the painted wall.
Daka’s car shoots into frame at 60 miles an hour and smashes into the wall. >WHAM!<
Small bits of rubble from the ceiling bounce off the steaming car hood. Daka groans.
Robin (getting out the Batcuffs): “Well, look on the bright side, Daka. At least we can’t charge you with parking illegally!”
Daka groans some more.
Narrator: “And so, our heroes once again find themselves back at Police Headquarters”
Robin (astounded): “Released?! How can that be?”
Gordon: “I’m sorry, Boy Wonder, but Daka was able to persuade the judge that his actions fell under the classification of wartime conduct. Due to the provisions of our treaty with Japan, he cannot be prosecuted for those activities. And by your own admission, it was Daka who cut short the career of that house burglar from the Bureau of the Census.”
Batman: “Robin and I will be glad to testify to the circumstances under which that occurred, Commissioner.”
Gordon: “Oh, I’m afraid it wouldn’t do any good, Batman. A young grocery store employee corroborated Daka’s preposterous claim that it was you who attacked him!”
Daka struts in, leaving behind flashes from photographers’ cameras and shouted questions from reporters.
Daka: “Good evening, Caped Crusaders. I cannot stay to chat with you, but I just thought you would like to know that I will be suing the Justice Department for its shameful treatment of me.”
Batman: “What kind of underhanded trick have you stooped to this time, Daka?”
Daka: “I have been hounded and mistreated by the very government whose corrupt, thieving employees I single-handedly defeated. As I have been unfairly subjected to years of this torment by you and the other hate-mongering members of law enforcement, I am sure the media will be very sympathetic to my plight. Farewell, gentlemen. I will see you in court!”
He exits, leaving our heroes standing there in shock.
Robin: “Holy Miscarriage Of Justice!”
Narrator: “Can THIS be the end of our adventure? Dr. Daka - given a hero’s welcome? Retiring in luxury on the tax money of decent, hardworking citizens? Or is his twisted brain ALREADY plotting a scheme so evil, so despicable, that only BATMAN can stand in his way?
Scene: the grocery store parking lot. A forklift loaded with cans of radium emerges from behind the building. As it passes, we see that Harold is driving. He and the forklift roar off into the distance.
“Only time will tell!”
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