The Jolly Jester Makes the Scene

The Joker was accompanied by his usual retinue of henchmen, this time numbering five, each attired in a brightly colored pullover vest. With the Harlequin of Hate on this Halloween, however, was someone a little different from the empty-headed molls he customarily recruited.

This woman had long, flowing blonde hair and wore garish, white clown makeup with wide painted red lips. Hearing of the recent mass jailbreak, she came to Gotham determined to become a highly paid "escort" for the city's stable of arch-criminals. "Why not start at the top?" she reasoned, and the call girl named Vixen quickly hooked up with The Joker.

The costumed kids stood in shocked horror at the apparition come to life before them. Now, Batgirl recovered her breath enough to exhort, "Run, children, run!"

But the youngsters had waited too long and allowed the villainous adults to get too close. A hood named John grabbed the two "Batmen" by the necks, while Vixen captured the ghost girl. The other four hoodlums corralled a trick-or-treater each.

The Joker confronted the "vampire." "How could you kids hold a tickling party and not invite me?" asked the Clown Prince of Crime as if his feelings were hurt. Then, he swung his attention to the boy in The Joker costume.

"Well, well! What a handsome young man! Ha, ha, ha! A wise choice for someone to emulate . . . much wiser than some!" he sneered, glancing at the two "Batmen." The diminutive image of The Joker looked upon the real thing in terrified silence.

"Don't be afraid, little one," in tones, that for The Joker, passed as kindly. "In recognition of your decision to imitate me, I'm going to let you go! Ha, ha! Yes, you will deliver my ransom demands to the police! We'll drop you off at Police Headquarters on our way to my HAcienda."

"How will the police know the note is really from you, Joker" Vixen asked, "and not just another rich kid's Halloween prank?"

"Because, my voluptuous Vixen, I'll mention in this note that amusing incident when I planted a tiny loudspeaker on Commissioner Gordon. Hee, ha, ha, ha! He managed to keep that incident out of the papers, so that should convince him the message is really from me!" Pulling out an impossibly huge pen and notepad, The Joker stopped to compose for a moment.

"I'll ask for one million dollars for each child. That way, I can be the Six Million Dollar Man for Halloween!! Oooh, ha, ha, ha, ha!!"

Batgirl could contain herself no longer. "This is a new low, even for you, Joker. Threatening, er . . . innocent children!"

The Joker fixed his gaze onto Batgirl, still hog-tied in chains on the floor. "I'm hurt, Batgirl, I really am. I would never hurt these lovely children."

With an evil grin on his face, The Mad Mountebank of Mockery continued, "In fact, I plan to give the kids whose parents don't pay to John, here. He just loves children!"

The goon gave the two Batmen, and then Batgirl, a perverted smile.

"You fiend!" shouted Batgirl.

"Hey, Boss!" John responded. "In honor of the occasion, why don't we turn Batgirl into a ghost?!"

The Joker laughed. "No, I've got a much better idea. I have something back at the hideout that should put Batgirl back into the holiday spirit!!
"Men, secure these kids in the truck and take them to the hideout . . . except for my friend, ‘The Joker.' He'll ride with Vixen and me in the front of the van . . . and then come back here and throw Batgirl in the back of the van."

Vixen exchanged the little girl for "The Joker," whom she held tightly by the wrist. Then she and her captive joined the real one, standing over Batgirl. "You know, Batgirl," The Joker began, "I'd decided that Batman was too grim for the device I have back at my HAcienda. I'd thought of using it on the Boy Buffoon, but . . .

"Well, after all, wasn't it said in The Secret Garden that all girls like to be tickled?? Ooooh, ha, ha, ha, ha! Hee, hee, hee, hee!! Ho, ho, ho!!!"

Long after midnight, the bound and chained Batgirl was carried by two goons into the basement of The Joker's current hideout, his so-called HAcienda. The children had been already distributed among four cells built into the walls of the large subterranean room. Bars descended some six feet from arched entrances of each cell to the floor. The rascals had a perfect view as their tickling game escalated to a terrible new level.

Batgirl was placed, sitting with wrists still to knees, on what looked at first glance like a fully reclined lawn chair, a piece of outdoor furniture one might find around a swimming pool. The surface of what Batgirl was set upon was some three feet off the floor. Narrow, but strong, pieces of metal cris-crossed the surface in a checkerboard pattern.

Two more hoods came over to assist in the binding of Batgirl. These two held Batgirl's arms and shoulders, as their partners undid her ankle restraints with the key they had taken from "the vampire." Even Batgirl's legs weren't strong enough to defeat the undivided attention of one henchman each. Soon her lower legs had been spread slightly apart and her ankles had been shackled at one end of the "lawn chair."

Next, her wrists were released from her knees. Batgirl was pushed flat onto her back by the four men. Her purple and gold cape was rolled up and laid under her neck. A clamp was fastened around her throat. Batgirl's arms were pulled straight out to the sides and her wrists were attached to a wide flat bar that was pulled out to extend from the sides of the "chair."

The effect of the checkerboard pattern was that at least half the surface of Batgirl's dorsal surface was exposed to the air. Batgirl's purple-clad body on that side was still accessible to whatever The Joker had in mind for her.

Their work accomplished, the four underlings backed away. "Vixen," The Joker ordered, "remove her boots!"

Vixen beckoned John forward. Silently, she indicated for him to hold down Batgirl's right leg. Vixen released the bolt on the shackle on Batgirl's right ankle. Then she slowly, seductively, pulled off the Dark Knight Damsel's right boot, revealing a Batgirl-purple padded sock.

Vixen worked her fingers up under the top of the sock. The woman in the clown-face make-up took her time as she peeled off the stocking, exposing Batgirl's muscular, but surprisingly dainty-looking, right foot.

Now, Vixen slammed Batgirl's right ankle back onto the "chair." The call girl flipped the top of the shackle back over the ankle, reattached the bolt and then ratcheted the bond so that it was even tighter than before.

The unholy duo repeated the procedure on Batgirl's left foot. All the time, The Joker filled the room with unrelenting, demonic laughter.

"Roll the machine into place!" The Jesting Jackanapes directed the rest of his men. Instantly, each of them was pushing forward what looked like rectangular boxes with hatches on one side. The contraptions stood some two feet above the floor. A couple that were some six feet long were placed next to Batgirl's sides, while the shorter pair were placed one each at her feet and head. Three of the goons snapped together wires from one box to the next.

"Well, Batgirl," said The Joker, leaning over the captive heroine, "ready for a good laugh?"

"There's nothing funny about you, Joker!" Batgirl spat out, defiantly.

"Oooh, ha, ha, ha! We'll see about that!" The Joker continued, menacingly, "I saw back in the ‘haunted house' that you are at least somewhat ticklish, Batgirl. Some people say one can be driven mad by excessive tickling . . . or perhaps you'll die of over-exertion! Hee, hee, hee!
"Or maybe you'll just pass out. Let's find out, shall we?"

"Shouldn't we take off some other parts of her costume, Joker?" questioned Vixen, while gazing hungrily at Batgirl.

"Oh, no, my dear. Her costume is tight enough to convey every sensation quite adequately."

With a disapproving shake of his head, The Joker continued, "and, my dear, this isn't about sex. This is about comedy! Oooh, ha, ha, ha!" The Joker punched a button on top of the nearest rectangular box.

A hatch in the box at Batgirl's feet flopped open. Slowly, a huge feather grasped in what appeared to be a "Mickey Mouse" hand emerged! The hand was attached to a long metal tube, which had several pivot points. In seconds, the feather was slowly stroking up and down the sole of Batgirl's bare right foot!

Batgirl gritted her teeth in an attempt to keep from laughing. She knew that once she started, there would be no stopping!

"Come on, Batgirl," The Joker chided. "Give in to my Tickling Machine. Let yourself go! Don't you know laughter is good for the sole! Ho, ho, ho, ho!!"

Batgirl summoned all her willpower to resist the urge to laugh. She tried to think how she might escape this trap . . . but the feather was relentless, unstoppable.

Suddenly another hatch, next to the open already opened, revealed itself. Soon, Batgirl's left foot was being tickled by another feather, this one going up and down much faster!

Batgirl could hold out no longer. A few little giggles squeaked out: "Hee, hee, hee, hee." Then larger laughs: "Ha, ha, ha, ha." Soon gut-wrenching guffaws were issuing forth from the bound Bat Beauty: "AHA, HA, HA, HA!!"

"That's it, Batgirl," The Joker tormented, patting her on the right shoulder. "Much better . . . and my machine is just getting warmed up!"

Hatches popped open on the machine on both sides of Batgirl! Now she was being tickled under each arm!

"Oh, no! Ha, ha, ha. Not there, Joker!! Hee, hee, hee. Please, I beg of you!!! Ho, ho, ho, ho." Tears began to form in Batgirl's eyes. She struggled mightily, trying to tear her feet away from the feathers or squirm her armpits out of the way of the attention they were receiving . . . but all to no avail.

"Begging, Batgirl? Already?" The Joker seemed genuinely surprised. "My, you must really be ticklish! Ho, ho, ho, ho! What do you think, Vixen?"

Vixen's ruby red lips spread apart in a wide, toothy smile before she spoke. "I think we should tell poor little Batgirl that your Tickling Machine, unlike a human, never gets tired. It can tickle her for hours upon end, nonstop!"

"Oooh, yes!" The Joker agreed, nodding his head. "And, it's about to kick into its next gear . . . right now!!"

The box next to Batgirl's head came to life. Feathers, hands and tubes snaked out. One feather began tickling the Caped Crimefightress under her chin. Another brushed maddeningly over her upper lip. A third caressed her breasts, one and then the other in turn, back and forth.

The Joker had been right. She could feel the feathers right through the stretched-tight lurex material of her costume exceedingly well . . . much, much too well!

"Stop! Hahaha! No!! Please stop!!! Hahahahahaha!!!!" Batgirl felt as if she couldn't breath. "STOP!!!!!"

Batgirl was astonished when, all of a sudden, the tickling did stop! All the feathers had quit moving and hovered mere millimeters away from her flesh or costume.

Batgirl fought to catch her breath. She looked up at first, The Joker, and then, Vixen, questioningly.

"I'm sure you'll be glad to learn, Batgirl, that I spent my time wisely in the Gotham State Penitentiary, the last time you and the Dynamic Dodoes put me there," The Joker explained. "One of the many books I read was a Time-Life volume about ancient China. In it, I learned about one particularly inventive emperor. You've heard of the Death of A Thousand Cuts? Well, this emperor instructed his torturers to wait a while after every ten cuts so that the victim would better appreciate the next ten. I've incorporated the same principle into my Tickling Machine!"

The horror of what The Joker was telling her was slowly sinking in. Being tickled ad infinitum was horrible enough, but at least, as Batgirl tired, her senses became duller and her nerves became fatigued. Now, her nerve endings were re-charging as she contemplated the torture to come!

"When will it start again, Batgirl?" the tall, green-haired villain teased. "Now? . . . now? . . . Oooh, ha, ha, ha! How about . . . now?!"

Without warning, the machine sprang back to life! Every feather that had been working on Batgirl resumed exactly where it had halted . . . but to Batgirl, however, the sensations unbelievably seemed twice as intense!

Even worse, new arms with feathers extended to torment the Dominoed Dare Doll! One began to tickle her tummy. That area of her costume had become so tight with all her laughing that even the depression of her naval could now clearly be seen. Feathers from each side started to stroke the insides of each of her legs.

Batgirl veritably screamed with laughter. She found it virtually impossible to form coherent thoughts.

Ten minutes went by. The machine paused again.

"Well, my vivacious Vixen, enjoying the show?" The Joker inquired.

Vixen had been biting her lower lip as she watched Batgirl suffer. "Oh, yes, Joker!! Very much!"

The Crime Clown then leaned over towards his high-priced "escort" and said, in a stage whisper, "I wonder if Batgirl realizes that there is one set of feathers that has yet to be called into play?"

The Joker and Vixen stood next to each other - a bizarre, hellish sight. Their white faces both were split by wide, blood-red, evil grins.

"Oh, please," Batgirl pled, "haven't you done enough to me?"

"Ha, ha, ha!" the Mirthful Monster brayed. "My machine will do things to you that are beyond all know philosophies!"

Presently, Batgirl's tickle torture resumed, picking right up where it left off. "EeeeeeheeheeheeHEEHEEHEE! STOP! HAHAHAHAHA!" Tears streamed down her face. She gasped for breath. " YEEHEEHEEHEEHAHAHA!! STOP!!!!!"

Batgirl yelled, "I can't stand this much longer!" Seconds later, the final group of feathers deployed!

These arms, hands and feathers reached under the bound form of the beautiful crime fighter. From underneath, the feathers reached into the spaces between the metal bars. Two tickled Batgirl behind the knees. Another darted in and out of the spaces up and down her spine.

Worst of all, however, was the feather that turned its attention to the lower part of Batgirl's butt! Her costume, always tight there, was stretched to the limit by her exertions as she fought to get away from the other feathers. It almost felt as if the feather was in direct contact with the skin of this most sensitive area.

Batgirl howled like a banshee. Some of the henchmen wondered if she had already been driven insane.

The Joker was now laughing along with Batgirl! His was a savage laugh, as he relished every second of his female foe's plight. "Hyaaa-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

Batgirl was simultaneously being tickled with feathers on the soles of both feet, under both arms, under the chin, on the lip, on the breast, on the belly, on the inside of each leg, behind both knees, up and down her spine and all over her butt. The machine seemed determined to run for a while this time, as the tickling went on . . . and on . . . and on.

"Hyaaa-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

Suddenly, one of the henchman, who had been upstairs serving as a lookout, came running down the stairs, "Boss!" he yelled, "A million cop cars are coming this way!"

"What?!?!" The Joker stopped in mid-laugh, as Batgirl continued unaccompanied. "How is that possible?!?"

"I called them on my cellular phone, you mean old man!" "the vampire" yelled from behind the bars of his cell door.

"WHAT?!?!?!" The Joker ranted. "Which one of you fools let this kid keep a CELLPHONE???"

"Gee, Joker," one of the goons sheepishly admitted, "I thought it was a toy telephone! I've been in the pen for thirty years. Who ever heard of a kid having his own mobile phone?"

"IDIOT!!!" While The Joker raged, the wily Vixen slipped unseen behind a secret panel she discovered when she first arrived at the HAcienda. By this point, Batgirl was far beyond noticing anything.

Finally, The Joker regained a modicum of composure. "Quick! Get those cell doors open! We can use the kids as hostages!"

Too late! Before any of the cells could be opened, twenty-some of Gotham City's finest came charging down the stairs, with Chief O'Hara leading the way!

"Hold it right there, Joker!" ordered Chief O'Hara. In seconds, the men in blue had surrounded The Joker's five men and disarmed them. Quickly, O'Hara turned his attention to Batgirl, who was still laughing hysterically. Assessing the shero's pitiable situation, the Chief demanded, "Joker! Turn this thing off!!"

"Huh!" The Joker replied, with a smug look on his chalk-white face. "Turn it off yourself!"

"You devil!" O'Hara answered, almost losing control. Then, holding his Irish temper in check, the policeman continued, "All right, then!" The Chief blasted each box with a few well-placed bullets. The Joker's Tickling Machine wheezed to a stop.

"Get Batgirl out of that thing," the Irish-American directed a couple of his men. Turning to two others, while indicating The Joker with a wave of his gun, he went on, "and get him out of here!"

A few minutes later, two officers helped Batgirl to a sitting position. Another patrolman located her socks and boots and handed them to the Dominoed Dare Doll. As she gingerly put them back on, a concerned Chief O'Hara asked, "Batgirl, are you all right?"

"Yes, Chief," she replied gratefully. "How did you ever find us?"

"That lad in the vampire costume, the one that caused all the trouble," O'Hara explained, "called 9-1-1 on his cellular phone. We instructed him to keep on-line so we could home in on the signal."

"Well, thank you Chief," Batgirl said as she got to her feet. "This time, you and the Gotham City Police Department are the real heroes!"

"Do you think we can keep up with all these escaped arch-criminals, Batgirl?" a worried O'Hara asked. "Saints preserve us!"

"How appropriate, Chief!" Batgirl smiled.

"What do you mean?" said O'Hara quizzically.

"Don't you know what today is?" Batgirl posed.

"All Saints' Day!"

Later that day, Batman and Robin, having once again escaped Madame DeBase, meet with Batgirl in Commissioner Gordon's office. The Terrific Trio have arranged to have weekly meetings with the police so that they can stay on top of the escaped super villain crisis.

"Commissioner, thanks to Chief O'Hara," Batgirl complimented, "The Joker is back behind bars where he belongs."

Blushing, Chief O'Hara responded, " . . . and thanks to the Dynamic Duo's re-capture of Madame DeBase, we now have two of the nineteen escaped arch-criminals back in custody."

"Perhaps we should turn on the news, Commissioner," suggested Batman, "to see if any of our other adversaries are up to no good."

Gordon pressed a button on his TV remote control. Instead of the news, however, a live political commercial appeared. The Commissioner spoke to Robin, standing by his side, "Look there, Boy Wonder. Who's that on television with Lloyd Knox, candidate for mayor?"

The Dynamic Duo was stunned by what they saw on the tube. Knox spoke directly to the camera, "Ladies and gentlemen, today I have a very special guest. A man who needs no introduction to Gotham City: . . .

Mr. Bruce Wayne!"

"Hello, Mr. Wayne."

"Hello, Lloyd, it's great to be here."

"Bruce, what do you think of Mayor Linseed's performance as leader of our fair city?"

"Not much, Lloyd. First, there was that business where Linseed fired Commissioner Gordon and replaced him with Nora Clavicle! Linseed's own wife was even made Chief of Police!!
"Add to that the recent mass escape of arch-criminals and, well, he has just been in office too long. Why, it seems as if Linseed has been Mayor of Gotham City for more than thirty years!"

"Mr. Wayne, the recent hostage ordeal at your home was just terrible. I believe that the police cannot control Batman."

"Well, Lloyd, you tried to tell us that and nobody listened. To all of you out there who are listening to me, I want to state for the record that I am going to vote for Lloyd Knox as the next mayor of Gotham City!"

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