You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
He's 900 years old!
He's so strong in the Force!
Do your Jedi Diploma course!
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
Come and get yourself clean!
Come and have a good meal!
Pretty soon now, the Force you'll feel!
YOUNG MAN, you fell out of the sky, into
SOMETHIN' brown that smells like a sty, and this
TIN CAN started swimming and then, he got
*SPAT* *OUT* *LIKE* *SOME* *THROAT* *PHLEGM*
YOUNG MAN, Welcome to Dagobah. He is
COMIN', master Yoda not far. I'll be
HAVIN' this bright thing that ain't hot. It is
*MINE* *OR* *I'LL* *HELP* *YOU* *NOT*
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
He's 900 years old!
He's so strong in the Force!
Do your Jedi Diploma course!
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
Don't just stand in the rain!
You're all covered with mud!
come and sample my homemade crud!
OLD BEN, Are you listenin' to me? I can't
TRAIN HIM, he's so reckless you see! Like his
OLD MAN, he's so angry but brave! Betcha
*HE* *SCREWS* *UP* *AT* *THE* *CAVE*
YOUNG MAN, If you start will you end, or be
GOING, off to save all your friends? To be
TRAINING, needs commitment and work, if you
*WIMP* *OUT* *THEN* *YOU'RE* *A* *JERK*
You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A
You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A
You should stay here and train!
You don't have to save Han!
If you do so, you'll lose your hand!
You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A.
(repeat and fade).
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He's Luke, he's Luke, he's in my head.
He's Luke, he's Luke, he's Luke, his family's dead.
Luke lingered long on Dagobah,
And the dream he got was sort of rotten and it seems
Ben lied to him and Vader's his dad.
Is Luke over there hanging out with no hand?
He's Luke, he's Luke, he's in my head,
He's Luke, he's Luke, he's Luke, his family's dead.
(whining)
Luke was standing ready and without a care.
The guard pushed him off and he tumbled through the air.
He did some fairly heroic-type deeds.
Luke left for Endor at subsonic speeds.
He's Luke, he's Luke, he's in my head,
He's Luke, he's Luke, he's Luke, his family's dead.
Is this Luke outta my head?
I think so.
Is this Luke outta my head?
I think so. Yeah! Whooo!
Is this Luke outta my head?
I think so.
Is this Luke outta my head?
Yes and the Rebels, they were lucky indeed
Bringing in the one thig that they really need
He has really gone far (let the Rebels win)
Blowing up the Death Star (bad luck Tarkin)
He believes in the force, while the others think it was just a fluke
The farmboy from Tattooine, the Jedi named Luke
PIETT: Vader just killed a man.
Raised an arm up in the air
Now his life is no longer there.
Vader, we had just begun,
And now I've gone and lost the reb-el scum.
Vader, ooooooo.
Didn't mean to make you mad
If I'm not alive again this time tomorrow,
There'll be a new admiral, as if nothing ever happened.
YODA: Too late, my time has come,
Sends shivers down my spine
Body's aching all the time.
LUKE: Goodbye everybody, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and learn the Force.
PIETT: Vader, ooooooooo.
I don't want to die
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all.
LUKE: I see a little silhouetto of a man
Palpatine, Palpatine, can it be the Emperor?
Thunderbolts and lightning, very very hurting me!
R2-D2, R2-D2,
R2-D2, R2-D2,
R2-D2, Where'd ya go? C-3PO O O O O O OH!
I'm just a farmboy, nobody loves me.
REBELS: He's just a farmboy, with a dead family.
Spare him this life of such mundacity!
HAN: Spice'll come, spice'll go. Jabba let me go.
JABBA: Bo shuda! (NO, we will not let you go)
HAN: Let me go!
JABBA: Bo shuda! (NO, We will not let you go)
HAN: LET ME GO!
JABBA: WILL NO LET YOU GO!
HAN: LET ME GO!
JABBA: WILL NOT LET YOU GO!
HAN: LET ME GO!
JABBA: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!
C3PO: Oh R2-D2, R2-D2, R2-D2, Come along.
LEIA: C-3PO has a rebel put aside for meeeee, for meeeeee, for
MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
(Stormtroopers start headbanging)
LUKE: So you say you're the dear old dad of mine?
But you cut my hand off and left me to die!
Oh Vader, can't do this to me, Vader.
I know there's some good, I know there's still some good in you.
Ooooooooooo. Oooo yeah. Oooo yeah.
OBIWAN: May the Force be with you.
Use the Force to see.
May the Force be with you,
May the Force be with you, alwaaaaaaaaaaaaays.
HAN: Anywhere the Force goes....
Kenobi,
You shouln't have come back,
You best watch your back
Or I'll kill ya.
Oh Kenooooobi,
Your powers are weak,
You're feeble and meek,
And you're old.
Old, old, old.
Swingin' blades
In the afternoon,
With Kenobi,
He's an old buffoon
(old buffoon)
I cut through
His chest and face,
When he falls to the ground
Air has taken his place.
REPEAT CHORUS
FUNKY NOISES SOLO -
Ju-bi-la-tion!
I murdered that coot,
He's stuck to my boot
And I'm laughing.
Ju-bi-la-tion!
I murdered that coot,
He's stuck to my boot
And I'm laughing.
LUKE: Noooooo! No nooooo!
No noooo no no no nooooo! . . .
Now if, you have, to hang up your hat
just use, the guy, who's frozen and flat
His hand, is there, to hold things for you
And Han, is there, 'cause I like the view!
Oh Han with my trophies at work
(Excellent)
Think about collection, wonder can I get the Wookiee now
Han, brought here by my best friend
(Boba Fett)
Stops him dumping cargo runs and blowing my employees in half
Now Han, a statue, is a good sight
I'm glad, that Vader, used carbonite
He's not, asleep, he's stuck in a dream.
I like, his face-perpetual scream!
Oh Han on display in my room
(Work of art)
Think of decoration, maybe should I hang him sideways now?
Han, it was worth all the cash
(Every cent)
He even opens bottles and I think he'd make real good doorman
Han on the deck of my barge
Han frozen stiff as a bar
Han doesn't wander too far
Oh Han!
Fett says Max can you play me a memory
I'm not really sure how it goes
but it's haunting and sweet and if you miss a beat
this carbine will blow off your nose.
La de de da, de de da
La da de de da, da dum..
He said sing us a song now, Max Rebo Band
sing us a song tonight
'cause we're all in the mood for a melody
except Solo, who's in carbonite.
Now Jabba the Hutt is a friend of mine
he gives me my life for free
And because he's a Hutt, why, we all kiss his butt
or the rancor will have us for tea.
He said "Bo Shuda, offom da Tukatti!"
as he stuffed a frog in his face
but we don't know a woid, 'cause he shot the talkdroid
So we'll smile and nod, just in case.
Oh, La de de da, de de da
La da de de da, da dum..
Sing us a song now, Max Rebo Band
sing us a song tonight
'cause we're all in the mood for a melody
except Solo, who's in carbonite.
Sy Snootles is our favourite vocalist
her face it ain't launching no ships.
Don't know why it behove her to go kiss a hoover
but that's how she got those wierd lips.
A Gammorean guard is headbutting bricks
as another one gnaws on a bone
and I don't know which has less intelligence
either those two big thugs or the stone.
Oh, la da da da de de dah
la da de de da dah dum..
Sing us a song now, Max Rebo Band
sing us a song tonight
'cause we're all in the mood for a melody
except Solo, who's in carbonite.
It's a pretty good crowd, here at Jabba's place
it's a killing, that's why we're all here
we'll sail over the dune to the pit of Carkoon
and we'll toss someone in with a cheer.
'Cause we gotta new droid on the pedestal
and a man in black's come in the door
he just pointed a gun over Salicious Crumb
and then promptly sank through the floor.
Oh, La de de da, de de da
La da de de da, da dum..
Sing us a song now, Max Rebo Band
sing us a song tonight
for the Jedi Skywalker is down below
and the rancor is gripping him tight
Chorus:
Glory, golry to Lord Vader! Glory, glory to the Raiders!
Here we come with our lightsabers! The Darth Horde marches on!
I have seen them in the Death Star marching through the corridors!
They have built a reputation as the villians in "Star Wars."
Now they're coming to your planet - it wont help to lock the doors
The Darth Horde marches on.
Chorus
Now you may fear the Empire but the Horde is ten times worse!
Better call your undertaker and reserve yourself a hearse.
Today we'll take your planet - tomorrow the universe!
The Darth Horde marches on.
Chorus
(Half Tempo)
From the ashes of the Clone Wars there arose one Jedi Knight
Wearing armor black as chaos with a sword a-blazin' light.
As we know the left hand pillar must balance out the right,
The Darth Horde marches on.
Chorus
Darth Vader! (Obi Wan) Darth vader! (Skywalker!)
For ever let us hold our blasters high! High! High! HIGH!
Come along and sing our song and march with us to war,
Lord D-A-R-T-H-V-A-D-E-R!
(slowly)
Now its time to say goodbye - they're closing up the bar -
Lord D-A- [aaayy]*
R-T-H- ["H" is what he'll give ya!]
V-A-D-E- (pause) R-R-R-R.
*a la the Fonze, including thumbs up gesture.
A- [aaayy]*
R-T-H- ["H" is what he'll give ya!]
V-A-D-E- (pause)
From: redfive@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au
Click here for background music!
CHORUS
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypoteneuse (X3)
THREEPIO
I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
In short, my masters find in me a reason to be overjoyed,
I am the very model of a modern diplomatic droid.
CHORUS
In short his masters find in he, etc.
THREEPIO
I am the very model of a modern diplomatic droid;
Adventure is the sort of thing I'd hoped that I could quite avoid,
For droids who find adventure often find that they get melted down ,
Or shipped out to the Kessel mins and tiresome labour underground.
My counterpart excels at making trouble for the rest of us,
He lured me to the desert where the jawas soon molested us,
They sold us to some farmers, and before the passing of a day,
I had to tell my master that the little twerp had run away
CHORUS
He had to tell etc. (X3)
THREEPIO
Now that were on the Death Star, and stormtroopers swarm the premises
I'm hiding in the closet with that little Artoo nemesis;
And so I want to make it clear 'ere Artoo gets us both destroyed.
I was the very model of a modern diplomatic droid.
CHORUS
And so he wants to make it clear 'ere Artoo gets them both
destroy ed,
He was the very model of a modern diplomatic droid.
Said the opening titles Lucas wrote part four of nine
About a young man in his prime
And whether to the Dark Side he would stray.
Two droids who were named Artoo and
Threepio crashed on Tatooine.
They had to find Kenobi
In desert worse than Gobi.
I can't remember if I cried
When Vader ordered fratricide,
But I know I was horrified
The day the Jawas died.
And Luke was singing
Bye-bye cause this planet's too dry.
Drove his speeder to Mos Eisley to go join the Allies.
And Obi-Wan, he chopped the arm off some guy,
Sayin' Soon, Luke, you will be a Jedi,
Soon, Luke, you will be a Jedi.
They flew off to Alderaan
But when they got there it was gone
Nothing left but asteroids.
So Solo plotted a new course
While Luke learned how to use the force
And Chewie played some space chess with the droids.
Oh, and while we heard John Williams theme,
The Death Star used a tractor beam.
Ben went to shut it down
So the others could leave town.
Luke was a lonely, teen-aged Jedi Knight,
With an X-wing fighter and a sword of light,
And he knew he had to join the fight
The day Kenobi died.
And we were singin'
Bye-bye, it's the Death Star's demise.
It was blown up by a rebel who was code-named Red Five.
And Vader very nearly didn't survive
Cause Han picked a damn good time to arrive,
He picked a damn good time to arrive.
Oh, on Hoth they built a rebel base,
Two decades after Lost in Space,
So the fight could start again.
Luke got captured by a beast
Which saved him for the evening feast
Til he used the Force to help him self-defend.
Oh, and Han slit up his Tauntaun's hide
So a Lukesicle could crawl inside.
Then, alas and alack,
The Empire struck back!
As the AT-ATs walked on through the snow
The rebels cried out Tallyho!
But it was like the Alamo
The day Luke's gunner died.
They were singin',
Bye-bye, let us deoccupy.
If we stay here too much longer we will be vaporized.
And Luke flew off to meet with Yoda the Wise,
Sayin' I must learn to be a Jedi,
I must learn to be a Jedi.
Boggy, foggy, full of little froggies,
Dagobah was damp and soggy,
But that's where Yoda had his home.
He was a wizened little gnome,
Two feet high when fully grown
But he taught Luke how to make the Force his own.
Ah, but Luke's friends were in trouble deep,
With Threepio piled in a heap.
Our heroes were betrayed
Thrown in the stockade!
Oh, and by Darth Vader Luke was maimed,
Then he hung from a weathervane
And he learned Vader's real name
The day Han Solo got frozen in a block of carbonite.
And they were singin',
Bye-bye, Lando's town in the sky.
They left although they had a broken-down hyperdrive.
And Boba Fett flew off with Han in Slave I
They'd be gone til Return of the Jedi,
Gone til Return of the Jedi.
Then, for three years, we were on our own
While Han played Indiana Jones
And Carrie married Rhymin' Paul.
Sy Snootles sang for Jabba's chums
Like Bib Fortuna and Salacious Crumb
While Solo hung around on Jabba's wall.
Oh, and after Leia got him down
The Sarlacc waited underground.
It swallowed Boba Fett.
(The worst indigestion yet!)
And while Leia changed out of her bra,
Luke flew off to Dagobah
And he was there to hold his paw
The day that Yoda died. He was singin',
Bye-bye to the little green guy.
He trained Vader and Kenobi and Luke to be Jedi.
And now he's gone to that big bog in the sky,
Saying Luke, there is another young Sky.....
Luke there is another young
ky.....walk......errrrrgghhhhh.....
(slowly)
Luke met a man named Palpatine,
An Emperor of bein' mean,
Who wanted Luke to be his heir.
Meanwhile, on the moon below,
Rebels struck a counterblow
With some assistance from some teddy bears.
And in the sky, the spaceships blazed;
The fighters fought, and the lasers lazed.
The battle, it was heated;
he Empire was defeated.
And the three Jedi admired most
Yoda, Ben and Vader's ghost
They all glowed blue and raised a toast
The day Darth Vader died.
And we were singin',
Bye-bye Return of the Jedi,
We'll wait fifteen years for sequels as Binkley prophesied.
And while we wait, we'll make do with Deep Space Nine,
Singin' May the Force be with you and I,
May the Force be with you and I.
(faster)
Now we're singin',
Bye-bye Return of the Jedi,
We'll wait fifteen years for sequels as Binkley prophesied.
And while we wait, we'll make do with Deep Space Nine,
Singin' May the Force be with you and I.
The Millennium Falcon has hydraulics, and gold plated landing gear. It also has huge, 500w subs mounted by the cannons.
The chess table is replaced by the craps table.
At the Cantina, Han Solo and Chewbacca are drinking 40's of Old-English 800.
Han Solo doesn't shoot Greedo under the table, he drops the sucka execution style.
C3-P0 is a completely soul-less, rhythmless English white guy.
Artoo is a short Hispanic man with Turret's syndrome (he's always wise-cracking at 3P0).
Princess Leia has hair extensions and bamboo earrings.
The Rebel Alliance is the Black Panthers.
The Emperor becomes The Man.
Light sabers are completely replaced by kung-fu fighting.
Lando is exactly the same, just carrying a 16oz can of Colt 45. Ohhhhhhhhh yeah.
The Force would be some pharmacological substance which can be grown in your backyard.
Obi Wan is a Dead-Head who goes around trying to give the Force away for free.
Blasters are replaced with 9's.
The Ewoks are the gangs from China Town, carrying switchblades.
Vader's a crack dealer (Dark Side of the Force).
Jabba's place is a disco. Jabba remains the same.
Boba-Fett is an Sicilian hitman named Guido ("And I want them alive . Nooooooo cement shoes").
Han's known only as "1 bad mutha".
Uncle Owen is the equivalent of the father on the Wayan's Brothers. He doesn't want Luke to leave, because he needs him at the local convenience store.
The Jawas are replaced by the local fences. (Say my man, you want a watch?).
Sand People are replaced by drunken hillbilly rednecks (They're easily startled, but they'll soon be back). Banthas become monster trucks with gun racks, mud flaps, and 4000 watts of flood lights on the roll bars.
The Gammorean guard would be replaced by huge black guys named Tiny.
The stormtroopers (i.e., the cops) would be paid off with a bag of the Force ("these aren't the droids you're looking for..." "move along...")
Yoda's all shriveled, short, and green because he's been holding in the same hit for a looooong time ("When 900 years you reach, look so good, you will not, hmmmmm?")
The best Force is found on Dagobah.
The entire soundtrack is redone by George Clinton and the Parliament Funkadelic.
X-Wings are replaced by low-riders.
Bespin is a huge whippet manufacturing plant, busted by the Man.
Chewie is some huge Cuban (hence the accent) guy named Jesus. ("Cubans have been known to rip people's arms off when they lose.").
Donna Summer is singing at Jabba's Disco (Jabba remains the same).
Luke is the ultimate player Mac Daddy. He pimps his own sister to his best friend.
Luke's so bad, he's on the chronic : hence he's wearing all black
when he enters Jabba's place (Jabba remains the same).
Uncle Owen :"We talked about this before. I need you here at the
Qwiki-Mart behind the counter."
Luke :"Yo, G, I just wanna chill with the homies!"
Uncle Owen :"But closing time's when I need you the most."
Leia :"You're not actually going into the projects are you?"
Han :"Shut up bee-otch. They'd be crazy to follow us wouldn't they?"
Luke :"Yo, Artoo, get this door open for me."
Artoo:"Ok, esse!"
(scene at Mos Eisley where Luke is accosted and Obi Wan saves his ass)
(Luke is tapped on shoulder by a hand with many big gold rings)
Guy: "Eh yo, man, my homie ain't down wich u."
(Luke turns away and is tapped again)
Guy: "Eh yo man! I ain't down wich u neithuh!"
Guy: "Ya'll just watch yo sorry ass. We all's wanted muthas. I gots
post office posters in more hoods 'n I got gold chains"
Luke: "Yo man, it,s cool, I be cool."
Guy: "YO ASS'LL BE CAPPED SUCKAH!!"
(at this point Kenobi steps in)
Kenobi: "Now ya'll chiiill man. . .let's be cool, I got 40s for
everyone"
(Guy attacks Luke. In that one instance, Kenobi pulls out some Force,
lights it, takes a few puffs, whips his AK out and wastes the lot of
em, all faster than anyone could have followed)
14) Chewbacca Chew'n T'bacca, from Skoal
13) Princess Chia
12) Lando Calrissian Cognac -- 40 Parsecs of smoooooth
11) R2D2, C3PO & KY4U "Adult Action Figures"
10) Han Solo Cups
9) "Do you know me? Probably not, if I'm out of my Stormtrooper uniform. That's why I carry American Express."
8) McDonald's Ewok Burger Happy Meal
7) Metamucil - "May the Force run through you!"
6) Darth Vader Ginsberg doll -- Black robe and goofy glasses sold separately
5) Tampex Tampons, now with starfighter X-wings and lightsabre applicator
4) Volkswagon's "Return of the Jetta"
3) "Ewok On A Stick" toilet brushes
2) Darth Vibrader
1) Barbie Wan Kenobie's Malibu Deathstar