Pathfinder Lands on Mars

A SPOOF ON THE PATHFINDER MISSION TO MARS

I am a member of FMU, F.B.I's Most Unwanted, which is a group of devoted X-Philes. The group originally gathered to promote episodes of X-Files which the media found less than appealing, i. e. the unpopular episodes. Our love of the X-Files is our common bond, but we have other interests as well. We began meeting on the official Fox bulletin board, Off Topic, but we have recently been given our own FMU board! I have met some incredible people and made new friends, and I can say that the members of FMU are some of the best people around.

During the summer of 1997, the Mars Pathfinder landed on the red planet and the whole world was abuzz with possibilities. I happen to be a 'believer' and this event, to me, was rather incredible. Not to belittle scientific exploration, I wanted to immortalize the current events by posting a 'spoof' by incorporating actual facts interspersed with the names of some of my FMU buds. Again, the following are fictional posts including replies that were posted on the off topic bulletin board, but based on the Pathfinder's actual mission which was reported via television, newspaper, etc. I hope you enjoy reading.

The Ares Report in conjunction with the Global Syndicate

More news on the progress of the Pathfinder mission: Several new Martian landforms were captured Monday using new image enhancing techniques. These images were received by NASA and the scientific community with much celebration, especially after the setback experienced by Pathfinder last week. The Sojourner rover had become ‘stuck’ on a Martian boulder known as ‘ZadYogi’. The encounter with the large rock delayed the expedition’s gathering of samples. However, the wait proved that ‘ZadYogi’ is composed of organic materials which NASA scientist say contains ‘the building blocks of the solar system’ much like the first Martian rock tested from the pathfinder mission, ‘Barnacle Bragh Bill’. To combat future setbacks, scientists implanted new ‘smart technology’ into pathfinder’s neurotransmitter system. This ‘smart technology’ is the end result of the work of Dr. Shameless, Ph.D. and his loyal assistant, Mrs. Paddock. The world renown scientist is a professor of epistemology and has conducted ample research using himself as the prime test subject ‘alphaHrd’. The compiled works of Dr. Shameless, “AlphaHrd and NASA’s implementation of smart-technology”, have greatly aided the pathfinder mission thus far. Pixie, President of the Global Syndicate, has forwarded the new images to the scientific community. From these images, new complex landforms are evident. Many believe that this apparent terra-forming landscape holds the secrets to the universe. Yet others have voiced it is a conspiracy, speculating that NASA not only knew of these new landforms, but in fact, formed an elaborate ‘secret’ organization in order to preserve the findings. Leader of the TFF(terra-forming foundation), Angst, could not be reached for comment. However, more attempts will be made to reach her. Conspiracy theorist embee denounced recent findings as “hogwash”. However, comparisons have been made that match Martian formations to such terrestrial sites as Giza, Avebury, and Stonehenge. Embee, leader of Skeptics United Against Sojourner (SUAS), flagrantly denies that the new ‘smart technology’ is anything but a ruse to lure taxpayer dollars. His press secretary, Neon, has scheduled a SUAS press conference next week. The SUAS field office will attempt to answer all relative questions. Stay tuned for more news on the pathfinder mission’s expedition.

The Mars Pathfinder Update

Early Friday morning
Martian Weather Report:
Pressure 6.71 millibars
Temperature +10 degrees Fahrenheit
Winds from the west
As of Thursday, July 31, The Lander has been making significant progress as it charts the Martian terrain. NASA scientists have graphed and correlated the journey thus far and have used the data to create an ‘animated picture’. Pixie, President of the Global Syndicate, will help to explain the various images. *pixie--using a large pointer* Here we see the forward movement of the rover as of Thursday, July 31 Zulu time. The Hubbell images *pointing* (You Are Here) depict a Martian sunset. Now the ‘animated’ sceptography shows these digital images, Pooh Bear and Piglet, to the left of the rover. The rover has continued pass the Calvin and Hobbes formation and is moving towards the Little Mermaid. The Lander schedules to move further and schedules examinations of Bigmouth Phoen, Blowpop Bragh, and Absentia Star in the imminent future. The most recent statistical evaluations have provided scientists with various pertinent Martian data. The Global Scale Thermal Tidal Motion has graphed impressive wind oscillations. These changes are not seen evidenced on earth, but they are very pronounced on Mars. The Viking Lander and Pathfinder Lander show systematic pressure changes of approximately 100 meters. The meteorological sequence has been unprecedented and a very high sample rate of 4 second met. variables has been charted. Dr. Shameless, Ph. D. has been appointed to study and evaluate the effects of winds on landing site geology. His able assistant, Mrs. Paddock has been studying temperature as a function of time of day. Fluctuations are pronounced in the turbulent Martian atmosphere. As you can see the value of this data is immeasurable. However, embee, leader of SAUS (Skeptics United Against Sojourner), is suspect in persistent sabotage rumors. The Lander had previous difficulties when the ‘smart technology’ chip implanted into the neurotransmitter system of the Pathfinder continued to experience bugs and malfunctions. The marketer of the ‘smart’ chip, ShameCo. is demanding investigations into SAUS. More developments from SAUS...a SAUS slush fund has been uncovered. The newly found funds have disappeared and are unaccounted for as of today. Neon, SAUS secretary, has been unavailable for comment. All attempts to reach her prove futile. When questioned, embee was quoted as ranting, “She had mentioned wanting to travel the high seas..something about the Caribbean...also heard she was moonlighting as sex advisor columnist for ‘Columbus Alive’, but I swear I just don’t know!!” The Global Syndicate has just received dossiers on GirlFriday and Clannad. Rebel GirlFriday has vocalized her plans involving manure, obtained from the fmu zoo, as a means to thwart the news conference. Security is on the lookout for any vehicle bearing ‘manure likeness’. Clannad has posted threats involving a ‘big wooden spoon’. The Global Syndicate is unable to validate these threats, but first feared the ‘spoon’ was some nefarious mechanism. The GS has investigated ‘Clan’ and feels she poses no threat as she was last seen skipping and singing, “la...la...la...lala...la...la..” Due to these latest events, her sanity is questioned. Are GF and Clan recent SAUS recruits? The GS will continue to uncover the facts. More Pathfinder information is on the way....
pixie/Global Syndicate President/bored outta her mind

Martian Conspiracy

pixie, President of the Global Syndicate raises her hand to distinguish herself from the crowd of reporters... *asks Neon, SUAS press secretary* "Is there a link between Vesta and Scooby Doo? The Pathfinder has tested the Martian rock, Scooby Doo, and it's findings were presented during the Planetary Symposium last month. I was wondering if the SUAS organization has read this report? I have heard some rumors from the science community which state that some of the Martian landforms may have originated from Vesta. A test to determine if basalt is found within the Martian rock is taking place in the laboratory of Dr. Shameless, Ph.D. His assistant, Mrs. Paddock has promised the Global Syndiate a copy of the test results. Dr. Shameless has been working furtively behind closed doors while he receives new information from NASA daily. Mrs. Paddock was seen fraternizing with you last Friday night at the 'DudeRanch Bar'. A Global Syndicate investigator has photographed you two passing information *holds up photos* In this photo enlargement, Neon is seen handing Mrs. Paddo a large envelope. *holds up another photo* In the next picture, Mrs. Paddo is shaking Neon's hand. In this photo here *pulls out yet another shot*, Mrs. Paddo is seen opening the envelope and fingering one-hundred dollar bills. I also have a photograph showing Neon and Mrs. Paddo belting back some shots of tequila. *looks at Neon* How do I know what you were drinking? My investigator waited until you two left and sniffed the glasses. Yes, he did have to wait until 4:23 a. m. It seems that Mrs. Paddo had to ride the mechanical bull repeatedly. He logged her making 18 concurrent rides on the bull. Neon apparently joined Mrs. Paddo on the 12th ride, and afterwards they both rode the bull together while the audience cheered. The Global Syndicate is not interested in the SUAS secretary's private life, nor that of Dr. Shameless' assistant. However, I am certainly curious in the exchange of money. Has Dr. Shameless sold out? In light of Dr. Shameless' absence at this press conference, I think Mrs. Paddo should shed some light on this matter. Neon, what does the SUAS say about this? If there is evidence of life outside of planet Earth, this must be disclosed. What new information has the AlphaHrd laboratory discovered?
pixie *waiting for answers*
fmu official current events correspondent
fmu official spinner of yarn

*The SUAS founder and chief skeptic replies...*
*embee strides purposefully through the doorway, through the crowd of reporters, and up to the podium...*
Ladies and gentlemen, It is our aim to aid any possible research toward determining the origins of the Martian formations in question, and this may include additional funding from ours and associated organizations. While this should not be taken as any kind of admission with respect to your questions regarding an alleged "girls' night out", we are interested in determining the truth of the matter of the unresolved chemical compositions of the samples thus far taken. Furthermore, it's come to our attention that the Cydonia Cychos and other related pseudoscientific terrorist groups are planning to sabotage and/or falsify research findings should they appear not to be headed in suitable directions for them. Therefore, it appears to be in the best interest of all rational parties concerned to provide whatever means are necessary to protect the secrecy and integrity of said research. That scientists, some of whom may be purely coincidentally associated with SUAS, have determined that there are no more than trace amounts of irridium in the core samples, greatly lessening the probability that any of these landforms did indeed originate from Vesta, is irrelevant. The record of the experiments performed thus far will be made public after they've been... shall we say... "reviewed" by senior researchers. It certainly is a shame that an anonymous donation toward the security of the search for answers in this matter, if this turns out to be such, could be so misinterpreted, and that an organization like SUAS and its members should be so unfairly maligned in the process. As for what our members do on their own time, that is their own business, although I'd be interested in seeing those pictures when you get a chance. That will be all at this time. Thank you. *As he's leaving, embee is overheard whispering to the SUAS press secretary, "Mechanical bull??? You call that 'low profile'???"*

Dr. Shameless in a secret interview...as yet to be reported.
Dr. Shameless can confirm the link between Neon and the "Columbus Alive" Sexgate. As you can see from these phone records obtained legally thru the FMU Legal Dept. Neon has made several calls to the Columbus area using the pseudonym "Dr. Ruth". A NASA covert agent, codename: Starseed ...upon breaking into Neon's secret bedroom...was able to discover that Neon's telephone had ALL of the numbers involved on her speed dial. Reports from local police have listed complaints of Kennedys lurking about the area. **Starseed is currently deep undercover in an attempt to flush out the evil embee and his SAUS Organization. Due to the dangerous nature of Agent Starseed's cover I must request that you NOT reveal her covert activities until the extermination of SAUS.** NASA Deputy Director Bragh has been busy attempting to come up with new non-Hanna Barbara related names for the latest geological formations on Planet Mars. It has been rumored that he has entered into discussion with Michael Eisner to obtain the rights to Disney names, with the forerunning name being "Peg Leg Pete" for this formation RIGHT HERE....Shameless FWAPS the geological survey map. Recently, NASA dedicated a new lab named "Bally High" to the study of all geological samples which are brought back from the red planet. NASA is currently seeking to employ a stolid group of "rock biters" to ascertain the mineral components of these samples. All interested parties should submit their application to Deputy Director Bragh at his office on Broadway and Main. DISCLAIMER: This is a ruse...a rendition purely for comic relief.:P

*NeonSister lounges on the Promenade Deck with her mai tai*
*SAUS Secretary* (S.S. Pumpnozzle)
So glad I had that surveillance equipment installed! Only the best in high-tech security after that last Boudoir incident... And Dr.Shameless, I wouldn't flaunt those phone records too much...if you look at the incoming calls to the secret 1-900 number, most of them appear to be from your Office of Geological Studies. Is this where our tax dollars are going?! Clannad, embee, and Girl Friday...what would you like me to bring back from Antigua for you? :-)

>>>Special Secret Delivery for Secret Agent Starseed<<<

Author: Shameless "Q" FMU87 (You know what these are...Confirm or Deny!)
I have enclosed a supplemental package of devices for you following your recent report of mallady and hardship on the Sexgate scandal mission. Please find enclosed:
1. A full wardrobe of La Femme Nikita spy gear for the active covert woman that likes to look HOT!
2. Mission Impossible eyewear with applicable recording devices.
3. Spidey tracers for those elusive targets.
4. A remote controlled "OddJob" razor frisbee hat.
5. A "V" voice disguiser for all of your telephone emulation and disguise enjoyment.
6. The "Inspector Clouseau/Pink Panther" disguise kit.
7. and finally, I have included Kato's newest subliminal hypnosis audio tape entitled, "Tai Kwon Do, Jujitsu, JuDo, Karate, Kendo, Ninjitsu, Shao Lin, and DOW (as in MACE) made easy" to compliment your already formidable martial arts skills.
As always: THIS MESSAGE WILL SELF DESTRUCT IN TEN SECONDS

Thank god this came....Agent Starseed coming the shadows

Ive been in hiding for days now, doubling back over my tracks, hiding my scent, making sure that noone saw me. I don't think they did, though I know Neons goons are close on my tail. So I can't stay here to long...so what do we have here?? -snazzy threads Q, Im gonna have to thank you when I get back (if I get back) I hope these clothes don't draw to much attention to me, I am supposed to be under cover -Ah yes, these sunglasses will come in handy, I will be able to record all of embee and Neons evil plotting (I have a plan to get close to them, but you will get more on that later) I hope it just doesn't record 18 hours of static (If you've seen CONTACT you'll understand that) -Tracers...AhHa!!! I need these. Now if I can only get close enought to the two of them ot use it -*putting on the hat* perfect for those annoying little dogs you see in the park -Now Q, would this be the same voice enhancer that Dr.Shameless uses on those long winter nites...OOPs nevermind...(MENTAL NOTE: Never discuss Dr.Shames personal life with Q) -The disguise kit is what I needed....*runs behind a bush* Perfect, just what I needed to complete my plan *MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA* *Star emerges cover in a trench coat an a big hat* I'm sorry Q, I can't even trust you with the next step of my plan, its just too critical. -As for the martial arts tape, I don't need it, I got the Little Nikita clothes, men will fall at me feet :) I'm off to start my plan, more info later
Star *running of into the shadow of night*
THIS MESSAGE WILL SELF DESTRUCT IN 10 SECONDS

*a voice cuts through the static on the communications equipment....*
(On da run)
So, I state some reservations about this Sojourner thing, and the next thing I know, I'm on the run! Let it be known that SAUS does *not* advocate the sabotage of taxpayer-funded materials or activities. I personally hold records of the whereabouts of all known SAUS members during the times that such alleged sabotage could have occurred, and I can unequivocally state that none were involved in any such vile and disgusting activity. Unfortunately, my own travel records seem to have been misplaced (speaking of which, remember what *not* to bring back from Antigua, Neon!)... but regardless of this, if it's discovered that I happened to visit the Jet Propulsion Laboratory 18 months ago for a couple of hours, this is only a coincidence - I was checking on the status of that unfortunate Mars Explorer. Furthermore, the communications equipment at SAUS headquarters, while being imminently sophisticated, is used for entertainment purposes only - it has no jamming capabilities whatsoever... none that I'm aware of. It has never even occurred to me to to attempt to either jam incoming and/or outgoing messages with it, nor to forge 1-900 telephone calls with it. These rumors of my involvement in any kind of sabotage to the current mission are completely unfounded. However, because discretion is the better part of valor, I will remain in hiding until such time as I feel that enough evidence has been collected to vindicate SAUS in general, and myself in particular. Also, it would not be prudent for any would-be agent of our opposition to go looking through the SAUS installation itself. Before I departed, I spent hours... stringing line after line... setting trap after trap... and the results of such an intrusion are not those that one would wish upon one's worst enemy. Until my own agents have finished doing the legwork and answering to Congress, you won't find me. Here I'll remain in my hiding place... here in the jungle, by the river... eating oranges and reading Conrad. embee, SAUS leader, signing off.
Question everything.
******static********

*on secret untraceable cellular phone* Not to worry, embee.
*SAUS Secratary* (SS Pumpnozzle; Aloha Deck)
As we speak, I am tossing the travel records into the Atlantic where they will be consumed by ravenous barracudas. Our opposition will be most unpleasantly surprised if they try to breach the SAUS installation...they don't know about your degree from the Peacock Brothers School of Booby-Trapping yet (so what if it was one of those mail-correspondence courses? It still counts!) I must go now...a mysterious man just approached me and gave me a pina colada...the little umbrella appears to have some sort of encrypted message on it...details later. Enjoy your oranges!

The 7 Wonders of FMU caused much controversy when posted on Off Topic. Should I open a can of worms by posting it here? Why the heck not, it's my webpage after all! The Seven Wonders of FMU (in no particular order) which rival the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World:

1. The IVG Bragh--His talent (as well as ego ) is limitless. The Borg (uh, I mean Bragh) is multi-lingual. He is fluent in English, French, and Braghspeak. He is a master craftsman as well as great interior decoratior..just get a look at Neon’s new boudoir. Also, the Bragh is a diplomat who acts in earnest to facilitate the peaceful harmony between the English and Canadian peoples...oopsy, forget that one. Lastly, the Bragh is a regular comedian (reaching a bit?..maybe..).

2. Phoenix, my wondertwin sis.--Simply chosen for her loyalty to the IVG Bragh. On a personal note, “Hey sis, use our powers for good, not evil!”

3. Mrs. Paddock’s morphing techniques--Not only can she do a mean morph, but she slips into Eve 1, Eve 2, Eve 3--you have the idea, with such ease it’s scary. Hey, Mrs. P, do you have to do any breathing exercises, mediation, or focal point therapy to get into character or is it au’ natural?

4. Embee--He is an enigma in himself and a has a mind like no other. If I’m ever in a pickle, I know who to call. Oh, em...please remember the charts, graphs, and pointer. The jury always like visuals.

5. Hippie the party animal--He’s even got a trademark! When hippie’s in the house, lock up your daughters, sisters, mothers, valuables, and farm animals :)

6. Starseed--Just wondering, what is a starseed anyway? Pulsar, quasar, spectroscopic binary? Hey Zad, does she exhibit the Doppler Effect?