Author: Jan Monroe
Series: Voy
Parts: 1 of 1
Rating: pg,
Codes: J, P
Summary: Continuation of Unforeseen Consequences. Janeway finds out just what B'Elanna has been living with.
Disclaimer: Paramount owns the Star Trek Universe. I own my story. I just took the characters out to play for fun, not for profit.
Warning: emotional melodrama
Losing a Hero Copyright by Jan Monroe 1998
Janeway wasn't surprised by the doctor's report. Even she could see that Tom was getting better. He was talking to her again. It wasn't the pleasant, flirtatious banter that had grown between them before his time in the brig, but it was much better than silence.
According to the Doctor, Tom's stress levels had returned to normal, and B'Elanna's reported that the nightmares had almost disappeared. He had only had one nightmare in the last month. Tom's jokes had also subsided back into a more appropriate proportion of his communications. When he first came out of the brig every other statement he made was a joke of some kind. Now his humor wasn't as forced and was once again similar to pre-brig levels. His only remaining problem was claustrophobia. That had not significantly changed. His fear of small spaces was still evident in the turbolift, but he was able to work in shuttles.
She had been leaving him on the ship during away missions. His remarkable ability to be drawn into trouble was only part of the reason. The Doctor had not banned Tom from away missions, but he had indicated that the stress would be detrimental for his conditions. The Doctor didn't want to put the limitation in Tom's medical record, as Tom did have access to that file as a member of the medical staff. According to the doctor, most of Tom's mental health reports were not filed with his medical records.
She let out a mental sigh of relief. Six months was a long time. She would never admit it, but she regretted the effect that the brig time had on Tom. No one should have to pay for one mistake that long. She now understood why he had turned to a lifestyle of alcohol and women after the shuttle accident. This time, he had the support of the crew so the outcome was different. His old pattern of drowning his troubles had concerned both her and the doctor. The self medicating with alcohol to make the nightmares go away, or maybe to just not care, had been a real possibility. Another possibility was him turning to subtler drugs that were now available due to his medical duties. Thankfully, neither happened. This time B'Elanna was there to help the nightmares before depression could set in and take him into a spiral of self destruction.
She smiled, they were had opened talks with the Khanitian for permission to resupply Voyager's. From the information that they had received this away mission should be easy. A perfect mission to get Tom back to his old form. She had taken Tom for granted. His abilities were missed on away missions. Although he had been in trouble on missions before, he did have an ability for getting himself and everyone with him out alive. Tom had one quality that made him a perfect officer for away missions, he could think on his feet.
She had given careful thought about who was going and how she would pair the team. Tom and Neelix would go shopping in the markets for food and seeds. She would go with B'Elanna and Vorik to procure minerals and energy sources.
She rather looked forward to the morning staff meeting where she would announce the assignments.
****
32 hours later
Life had thrown her another dangerous curve. She couldn't believe that this mission had gone so wrong. It had started so promisingly. The first day actually had filled it potential. Neelix had no problems resupplying Voyager with food. B'Elanna had been able to find the raw materials needed in engineering.
The second day was the disaster. They were still looking for energy sources. She and Tom had beamed down to have high level discussions concerning the trade of star charts for dilphamum. She thought it would be a simple, straight forward negotiations based on their previous dealings. When she refused to hand over the star charts, she and Tom were grabbed and thrown into a cell.
The cell was only a seven foot by seven foot, it had one solid door and no windows...actually no openings at all. The only light source was a strip of lighting above the door. She didn't have to have a medical degree to know that Tom was not going to handle this situation well.
The first hour, Tom appeared to be fine. He staked out a corner with a full view of the door. They actually had a conversation. It was about the surprise that he was planning for B'Elanna's birthday. A holodeck program that had all her favorite characteristics.
The second hour was not so cordial. She felt like she had recorded and it keep running through her mind. She had made a tactical error. It had seemed like an innocent conversational gambit, "What's your favorite memory from childhood?" She had expected a funny story, not the parade of emotions that flashed on his face.
"My favorite memory? I hope you don't want to hear a great father son story. There were none," Tom stated. He had made some peace with his self about his father while he was in the brig but he could not reach any peace with her idolizing his father.
"There had to be at least once when you and your father agreed on something?" this was the Captain's fatal mistake. She couldn't see just how venomous their father-son relationship had been.
"The last time was him telling me to get out of his house after I confessed about the shuttle accident. He didn't even wait for the review panel to render it decision. The time before that, I know it was when I was eight and wanted to start the advanced tactical shuttle simulations," Tom had stated. "Twice in 12 years."
"You make your home life sound like a war zone," she joked.
"No I was only at war with my father. I loved the rest of the family," Tom stated.
"Why?" She had to ask. She suddenly had to know.
"Should I start for the beginning? Back before I dreaded bring home report cards, or before I was being groomed to be the youngest admiral in Starfleet," Tom asked.
She nodded.
"I was five years old. I remember always wanting to be in shuttles and always watching the pilots. I also asked a lot of questions." He smiled. "My dad took me to a simulator and put me in the pilots seat. I stood on my knees and asked where we were to going to go. I put in the information and started flying. I was in heaven. That was also the day that my father went from being a father to a small child to a commanding officer of a child prodigy. I was shown off to everyone that my father could think of. 'Have you meet my son, Thomas, he just broke the record.' what ever record that it may have been."
Tom let out a short burst of bitter laughter at Janeway's look of disbelief. He had gotten up from his corner and had started to pace the confined space. He was becoming more agitated with each word. "Did you know that when I was twelve, I wanted to quit flying?"
"Why did you want to quit flying, when you had such a gift for it?" This totally perplexed her.
"What I had was a father who took me to simulators for two hour every day he was on earth and screamed at me when I didn't do the maneuver exactly how he wanted it done. You served with him, you have to remember how he would berate anyone that made what he thought was a stupid mistake," Tom stated.
"He only did it when the mistake could be life threatening," Janeway justified.
"Then I guess every thing I did was life threatening. Not being the first in my class, not executing a maneuver exactly perfectly the first time in the simulator, wanting to go to sea...Yeah, I can see how those things could get someone killed--me," Tom replied sarcastically. "Do you know how much I envied you?"
"Why?"
"You grew up like any other kid. Did your dad ever host parties and show you off like a trophy?" Tom asked. "Not really as the child he loved but as, I don't know, an object?"
"Tom just because your farther wasn't the most considerate, don't mean that he didn't love you," Janeway stated, trying to think of some way to calm him.
"That kind of love is usually called abuse. Just because he never hit me doesn't mean that he was a loving father," Tom stated. "He's the reason that I have trouble telling B'Elanna how I feel."
"He's a long way away. Do you think that he would dislike her?" Janeway asked, hoping that would bring him back to the present.
"I don't care if he does or not. What I do know is that every time that he called me stupid, or idiot, or any other name, he would always rationalize it later with the statement: 'You know that I love you and am only doing this for your own good.'" Tom returned to his corner. "Guess love is another name for control. I half expect anyone who uses that word to try to control me or just inflict pain."
"Why were you so upset with me after I sentenced you?" She inquired. She had gone over that day so many times but could not understand.
"Your comment about my father." Tom stopped looking at her and focused on the door. "Do you know how much it hurt that you still put his feelings and demands over yours or mine. Disappointment was one of his favorite words for emotionally battering me. 'I'm so disappointed. You should have done better,'" Tom mimicked exactly. She could imagine the admiral saying those words. "Mostly, you just used a phrase guaranteed to cause anger...pain and remind me that I can never live up to his impossible standards. It hurt that you were justifying him and punishing me."
She decided that silence would be best. She had to admit that his vision of Admiral Paris was very different from hers. She couldn't help wondering how they could have two such different opinions of one man.
Tom took a deep breath, it sounded forced, like he was determined to keep control of his breathing and of his claustrophobia. "When do you think Chakotay will get worried about us? We've missed the last two check ins?"
"I'm sure that he's trying to get us out of here right now," she soothed.
"Good, I forgot what pacing in a cell will do to me but I had to move," Tom stated.
"What does pacing do?" she smiled, a normal conversation.
"Reminds me just how small the space is." Tom tried to laugh but it came out as a croak. "You knew airing all this emotion was hard work. Do you mind if I take a nap?"
"No, I'll wake you up when they come to let us out." she wasn't sure that sleep would help him deal with his emotions concerning his father. She hoped that by the time he awoke, they would be out of the cell. Tom didn't leave his corner, he just fidgeted until he fell asleep.
The next several hours passed slowly as she alternately watched him sleep and paced. She couldn't help wondering why they were still locked up. Why hadn't Chakotay gotten them released by now. She continued to hope that something would happen, but what did happen was not what she had hoped for.
Tom started talking in his sleep. She couldn't tell exactly what he was saying but she could tell that it was a night mare. He keep curling himself up further and further into a ball. It was like he was trying to disappear.
She called to him, trying to wake him but he didn't respond. She finally went over and laid her hand on his shoulder, intending to shack him awake. He screamed but didn't awaken. It was as if the nightmare controlled him. She remembered Tuvok making her watch security video of Tom in the throws of a night terror. In the video, the EMH was called in and administered a sedative. Tuvok had wanted her to commute Tom's sentence from the brig to his quarters. He claimed that anyone who was experiencing this kind of distress was not psychologically equipped to finish the thirty days in the brig. She had disagreed. She said that Tom was a survivor, and that he could handle it. If he could handle prison then he could handle the brig. She could only see her own anger, not the true damage that was being done.
So now, she had to deal with what she had help create. She was with a crew member that was in need of medical attention and she had no idea how to handle the situation. She decided on the simple approach. She stated to talked to him in a calm voice, much like adults utilized to calm babies. She stroked his right arm and hoped that this would be enough.
It felt like hours, but in reality it was less than fifteen minutes from start to finish. She rearranged him so that his head was on her lap, trying for a more comfortable position.
He remained in the position she had shifted him into with out moving. She didn't know why, but she felt like crying. All she could think about was getting him back to B'Elanna and the Doctor. They knew how to handle him.
It was supposed to be a simple trading mission, not another jail sentence. Her hopes of rescue were finally answered before she gave into her desire to cry.
As soon as she was released from the transporter beam she ordered Tom beamed to sickbay. She was relieved to be back home on Voyager. She stepped down from the transporter pad and greeted Chakotay.
"Report," was her first word. Even though she moved very close to him and appeared to hug him.
"We managed to negotiate your release and the supplies that we needed. The biggest problem was they preferred to talk to men. Since you were doing all of the talking, they assumed you would just give them the star charts. You surprised them when you proved to be stronger than other ships captains that tried this stunt with. Tuvok and I were able to negotiate the trade and they finally gave you back," Chakotay summarized. "What's wrong with Tom?"
"I don't know. He was fine, napping, and then he wasn't. Lets go to sickbay," Janeway stated. She was emotionally drained. She had learned that Tom saw his father as a control freak who ruled his son with emotional abuse. She couldn't imagine her hero doing any of the things Tom had talked about. Half way to sickbay she realized that she had a simple way to get to the truth. Since the Paris family was so socially prominent, research should prove Tom wrong. She was sure that she could find some proof that Tom was being too hard on his father.
The trip to sickbay relieved her mind. Tom had actually been sleeping. He had never really awakened from his nightmare. Doc slipped him a anti-anxiety medication to help bring his anxiety levels back to normal. It was medication that Tom regularly refused when he was awake enough to object. He claimed that the drug made him slow down too much, like he was swimming through life.
The next morning, after Voyager broke orbit. Janeway retired to her ready room to start her research. It was as easy as she thought it would be. She found pictures and stories about the Paris family going back before Tom was born.
She was not pleased with what she saw. The first time Tom was mentioned was at age five when his name was released as the youngest person to every achieve level 3 in shuttle simulators. She also found reams of quotes from Owen Paris about Tom's amazing gift. Even in interviews, when asked about other things that Tom liked to do, Owen only talked about flying.
Through the filter of time, she could see at least one truth. Owen Paris had been obsessed with Tom's flying. As she read, she tried to remember what Owen had said about his son. When they were captured by the Cardassians, he talked about all the things his daughters loved to do and how Tom could fly.
She remembered the first time that she meet Tom at the prison. Tom didn't care about rank, just flying. He wanted to fly Voyager. She also know that the only time that Tom didn't fly in shuttles was when he was unconscious.
Finally, she reviewed Tom's records, every scrap of information that she could find in his records. What she found was even more disturbing than the public records. She found pattern of stress illnesses that correlated almost exactly with Tom's achieving a new record. The news reports always talked about how Tom wanted to the new record, but the medical evidence suggested he was trying to please his father not achieve personal glory. She could not imagine how anyone could justify a seven year having an old fashion stress induced stomach ulcer.
She had to finally admit that Tom was not totally wrong. People who were obsessed could be unpredictable at best. She still couldn't grasp how her mentor could be this other person with his son. It was like they were two different people.
When she failed to go to lunch by 1400, Chakotay decided to check on her. He didn't bother to knock, he walked right in. She was still at her desk. Chakotay noticed the look on her face. It was an expression that he rarely saw, that of displeasure and confusion. A very rare combination for the Captain.
She looked up at him and opened her mouth like she was about to speak but closed it again. He finally broke the silence, "I noticed that you didn't go to lunch, could I talk you into going for a mid-afternoon snack?"
"I'm not hungry." She rose from behind her desk and walked to her viewport.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Chakotay asked.
"No but I have to. While Tom and I were in that cell, he talked about his father and how abusive the admiral had been. I didn't believe it. I thought that I could prove Tom wrong, prove that he was being too hard on his father." She let out a bitter laugh, "I came in here today to do research to prove Tom wrong. I thought that I could find proof that Tom was overdramatizing his bad childhood."
"I take it from your expression, you didn't find what you wanted," Chakotay stated. He wasn't sure that he totally bought into the notion that some with as many advantages as Tom Paris could have a traumatic childhood.
"From just the media reports on the family and about Tom's flying, even I can see that he father was obsessed with Tom's flying. Admiral Paris even talked about Tom's Starfleet career as being a certainty when Tom was six years old." she shrugged. "When I was six my dad was talking about how I loved to do math in school. A father that was ..." she trailed off, unable to find the words that she needed.
Chakotay started glancing through her research. He had not known that Tom Paris had been acclaimed to the general public as a prodigy. Chakotay couldn't imagine how someone with Tom's character would react to that situation. It was almost like he was pushed to be larger than life. Chakotay finally understood why Tom shunned compliments. Five was too young to have to deal with celebrity status, even if it is limited to flying buffs and fleeters. His life must have been difficult at the best of times. Adults have problems dealing with flatterers and hangers-on. What if the hanger-on was your father, using your star to illuminate himself. It did explain why Tom could spot a user in almost any situation. He was surrounded by them for years.
"I think the term you want is USER." Chakotay stated.
"Yes, but he was so good to me. I don't understand!" she exclaimed.
"Why should you? He treated you like an adult. He didn't need you to be super human. Tom was his short cut to glory and notoriety." Chakotay didn't try to lighten the blow of the truth. He paused, "Are you feeling guilty about this?"
"Yes, but that's not the point," she responded.
"What is the point?" Chakotay pushed.
"Tom said that I had justified his father's behavior when I sentenced him," she stated exactingly.
"How?" this twist had confused him.
"I told Tom his father would be 'disappointed.' According to Tom, his father used love as a weapon and being a disappointment was a threat. You disappoint me and I stop loving you." She paused, but started again before Chakotay spoke. "Suddenly, another parental figure in his life was using emotional blackmail. That's why he refused to talk to me, he was just avoiding what he had come to expect from his father. From everything he said, all I can figure out is he expected me to continue doing exactly what his father had. After all this time...how could he think that I would use him?"
"He reacting emotionally. Intellectual analysis had nothing to do with this. It sounds to me like you accidentally found a huge well of pain. I'm not sure if he's punishing you for the pain or if he has just lost his trust." Chakotay commented, drawing on his experience as the unofficial ship's counselor.
"Trust?" she questioned.
"Trust, his ability to believe in you and your actions. I know that you hurt each other with the whole incident but he takes everything personally. Considering how he was raised, it shouldn't be a surprise. You gave him a chance after the caretaker and showed him what having a cause is all about. Then you punished him for finding a cause and following your example, taking action." Chakotay took a deep breath, "You're trying to have it both ways. You want him to have a cause, but you want it to be your cause. He may have gone about it wrong, but you were his shining example of 'follow your cause.'"
"I would never have..." she started.
"Formed an alliance with the Borg? Bent more regulations then we would ever want to admit? Subverted the prime directive when it stood in the way of your cause? Do you have any idea how long the Command Review Committee will take to even count up all of our creative actions? Don't be a hypocrite, Kathryn."
"All right, so I have had to be creative trying to get our ship and crew home." Janeway was not happy to hear her own transgressions listed and compared to Tom's. In Chakotay comparisons, she also should have spent time in the brig.
"Why don't you just apologize to him?" Chakotay suggested. "I know that you didn't mean to suggest any emotional blackmail. Tell him that. You didn't know how troubled his relationship with his father is."
"Will it make a difference?" she asked.
"It can't hurt. He needs to learn to trust you again, and you have to learn that Tom's childhood had so deeply scarred him that you have to be more aware of that damage."
"You make it sound like he has to be treated with kid gloves." she laughed.
"Not kid gloves, but with more consideration for his emotional fragility. He has successfully completed some remarkable missions for you. If I were him, I would expect some of that loyalty returned. I have to ask you, do you think that he was suicidal in the beginning, or that he just didn't care if he lived or died?" Chakotay asked.
"What!" she almost yelled.
"Read his record. Count how many times he had put his own life on the line for you and this ship. How many times has he gone well beyond what is expected from any officer? How many letters of recommendations have you written because he succeeded at the impossible? Check how many times he had put his body between danger and another member of this crew. You might want to check Tuvok's also. I seem to remember him deliberately breaking the prime directive and not being punished, while Tom only bent it, and he ended up in the brig. If I were him, I would wonder at your sense of justice." Chakotay stated. He and Tom would never be the closest of friends but he received no pleasure from this prolonged emotional drama. Both Tom and Kathryn were suffering for the wrong reasons. She didn't understand this fear of emotional blackmail, and he could not get past his fears. As far as Chakotay was concerned, Tom was lucky to be functional at all. Tom's relationship with B'Elanna had been a long struggle on both sides.
She turned back to the view port. The images that Chakotay were constructing for her were not flattering. Uneven discipline, self righteous, obessessed with a goal, and oblivious to the emotional state of the crew. Most of the crew had expressed their subtle disapproval of Tom's punishment. She had heard more than a few loud remarks about it. She know that her own anger had been a motivating factor in the severity of Tom's punishment.
Chakotay left her staring out the view port. She had forced this self evaluation. She was fighting a lossing battle. She had to reconcile her own view of the admiral with the obvious evidence in front of her that he was a bad parent. The admiral had been wonderful to her and abusive to his son. It was difficult for anyone to lose a hero, but she had to lose him if she was to ever be able to get Tom back.
The End