Before we get started, some explanations are in order. First of all, it should be mentioned that this qualifies as a "Real Person Story" because several characters are representations of real live individuals (in this case, Broadway actors) whose likenesses and names are used without permission. However, that being said, I must also point out that there is no sex or much of anything else that should be offensive. Everyone in the story is far too crazy for any reader with half a brain to think that the real life personas of the non-fictitious characters would be even remotely similar to our portrayals of them. Secondly, it should be noted that this story begins in such a nonsensical manner because we never actually planned to write a story. One day I posted a doctored photo (the one shown at the beginning of the story) and things just sort of evolved from there. Thirdly, 'daam'='damn'. The use of the word "daam" is neither censorship nor a typo. It is an old joke from the Scarlet Pimpernel fandom, which I am too lazy to explain.
And now, on with the show....**
ChauChau is saying in a really whiny voice, "Your Highness, Sir Percy still refuses to teach me the handkerchief dance, even after I agreed to wear one of his silly coats!" **sniffle sniffle** "Make him play fair!"
LOL! I guess Percy is holding out until Chauvelin gets a proper cravat and a new hat.
C: "What's wrong with this one?!?"
P: "It's just too... French!"
Chauvelin: *sobs* "Nothing's good enough for you!" **Runs off and cries in a corner**
Whereupon he meets Doug Sills hiding behind the History book. [Editor's note: just accept the fact that Mr. Sills has been hiding behind a giant history book to keep from being attacked by fangirls. Explaining the origin of the joke would take too long.] They get into a conversation about history, reading over the book. ChauChau, however, reads that Ropespierre is guillotined and the Reign of Terror ends, yelps in annoyance at this fact, and gives away their position. The two are forced to flee from the obsessive student and seek refuge in the locker room.
Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on whose point of view you look at if from) they accidentally go into the *women's* locker room. After much shrieking and screaming in fear (mostly by Doug and Chauvelin as they nearly get torn limb from limb by eager fans) the two are now being chased by a whole *mob* of obsessive students and are forced to hide amid week-old pizza crusts and other ickyness under a cafeteria table. Meanwhile, Percy and Andrew disguise themselves as janitors, sneak into the principal's office, and try to rewrite the dress code to include mandatory froufrou.
The two janitors, noticing that the principal is starting to get suspicious, pop into the cafeteria. As they "clean", Percy "accidentally" drops a pepper shaker under the table, reducing the Chau under it to start sneezing horribly, thus forcing them to run once more. With the Fanatic Mob close on their heels, and the "janitors" even closer behind, the two duck into the storage room for the sports equipment.
And immediately knock a bunch of things over in the dark, causing a great din and making baseball bats, hockey sticks, footballs, and other stuff rain down on them. After being discovered by the mob, they escape again and slip into the library to hide under the vacant info. desk.
A student comes up to the desk, thus forcing Chauvelin to rise up. Not noticing to whom they speak, the student asks, "Um... what was the French Revolution fought over? Wasn't that the slavery one?" Chauvelin begins to boil over at the thought that a student DOESN'T know about the greatest war of history. However, before he can answer, Percy walks by and informs the student that the war was fought because the Frenchies wanted to wear more frou-frou. In fury, Chauvelin begins to chase Percy.
The two enemies do a couple of laps around the school and then Percy suddenly has a realization. "Wait a second! I'm bigger than you are! And you, sir..." Percy pulls out something that looks like one of those obnoxious 'safety-patrol' belts only it's pink instead of neon orange and it has lace around the edges. He puts it on and then pulls out a badge that says 'froufrou patrol.' "...Are violating dress code!" The chase reverses with Percy now pursuing the little Citizen.
They turn a corner and Chauvelin collides with the dean, who has just stepped out of his office. Percy sneaks away as the dean picks himself up off the floor and glares at Chauvelin. The irritated dean orders Chauvelin into his office and follows, shutting the door with a loud bang.
The dean begins to explain how the children are susceptible youth and how all adults must watch their behavior while around them. After all, these shows of anarchy could lead to a second, he says laughingly, French Revolution! Chauvelin tenses. "Did you find something wrong with the French Revolution, sir?" "Of course! You want these kids running around calling themselves citizens and trying to behead me?" Chauvelin glares. "If they won't, I will." The dean, being rather dull-witted, takes a moment to realize the threat then jumps to his feet. "You will leave this school this instant, or I will..."
"...Have you thrown out!"
Chauvelin looks at the pompous school official and smiles one of his famous sarcastic smiles. "Oh really?"
The dean, thinking that it's a serious question, puffs up slightly and replies, "Really."
ChauChau: "Yeah?"
Dean: "Yeah!"
C: "I'd like to see you try!"
D: "DON'T THINK THAT I WON'T!"
C: "You don't have the guts! I BET YOU'RE SECRETLY A ROYALIST! VIVE LA REPUBLIQUE! A BAS LE SCHOOL SYSTEM!!! A LA LANTERN LE DEAN!!!!!" (just pretend he's yelling it all in French)
D: *beginning to panic* "SECURITY!!!"
C: *muttering to himself* "Hmmm... This works *so* much better when I have a bloodthirsty mob to back me up..."
Meanwhile, Doug takes advantage of the chaos to sneak out of the building so he can get back to rehearsals for Much Ado About Nothing. The handsome actor escapes to safety, but on his way out, he passes someone who looks very familiar. The thoroughly creepy looking Terrence Mann, who was scheduled to give a talk to the theater students that day, looks around in confusion and tries to figure out what all the shrieking is about. Andrew sees him and tries to decide whether he's brave enough to go up and tell the scary guy that he's violating dress code by not wearing enough froufrou...
But before he can decide, the sound of raised voices comes from the direction of the dean's office, attracting everyone's attention. A few minutes later, a security guard is called to escort ChauChau off the campus. Of course, the security guard is Percy who has now changed disguises. Chauvelin tries to attack him but is quickly subdued and receives another tongue lashing from the dean before being marched out of the office. As they pass Terrence, who is looking for the auditorium, Percy comments "Sink me! I didn't know that Shovelin had a twin brother!"
Terry notices Chauvie as well, and mistakes him for another. Out of nowhere, he bursts into a rendition of "Stars". Chauvie pauses to listen, then walks over to give him some singing tips. Soon the two are best of friends, wandering the school singing an odd song about stars twinkling above the guillotine, that they wrote themselves.
Terry pauses to use the restroom while Chauvelin waits in the hall, trying to think of a three-syllable word that has to do with celestial phenomena and rhymes with "chop" so he can finish the fifth verse of their song. Just then, Percy, still dressed as a security guard, catches up, grabs him by the cravat, and drags him out of the building. When Terry exits the bathroom a moment later, he is alone in the hall. With a shrug he goes back to looking for the auditorium.
Percy none too gently pushes the little Citizen off school property and then, smirking, returns to his new duties as a member of the Froufrou Patrol. Under any other circumstances Chauvelin would have been glad to be free of such a madhouse, but the dean confiscated his snuffbox during their "discussion" in the office, so he feels the need to return and reclaim his property. Besides, he wants another chance to talk with his new friend. While plotting the best way to get his nicotine fix and find his buddy, Chauvelin circles around the school and enters through the door on the far side of the building so as to avoid being spotted by either Blakeney or the dean. ChauChau only gets a dozen steps inside when he feels a hand land on shoulder. He turns around, expecting to see that demmed Englishman again, but instead comes face to face with the school's head drama teacher. "There you are!" the woman exclaims. "I've been looking all over for you, Mr. Mann!" Chauvelin begins to correct her but then decides that, while a bit odd, 'Mr. man' is nothing compared to all the ways Blakeney mangles his name, so he lets it pass. The drama teacher continues talking as she takes him by the hand and leads him through the maze-like halls to the auditorium. "The class is eagerly awaiting your presentation. I see you're in costume. Oh, this is such a special treat!" Finally, she leads him to a stage facing several hundred teenagers.
"Uh, what do you want me to talk about?"
"Just tell them about yourself, who you are, what you do for a living, that sort of thing."
Chauvelin looks out at the sea of faces and imagines what sort of bloodthirsty mob they would make. "I can do that," he replies with a smile. He steps out onstage and addresses the students. "Greetings! My name is Citizen Armand Chauvelin and I am an accredited agent of the Republic of France. I-" He doesn't get any farther before he is interrupted by students on all sides.
"Cool! He's in character!"
"It's so believable! I swear it's like he really thinks he's this Shovelin guy!"
"Sing Where's The Girl!"
"Is it true Colm really beat you over the head every night to make sure the scene looked real?"
"What was it like working with Doug Sills?"
"Forget Doug! Tell us what it was like working with Ken Labey!"
"Why on earth were you in *so many* Critters movies?!?"
"Dance like the Rum Tum Tugger!!!"
Chauvelin sighs, realizing that this is going to be much more difficult than he first thought.
Meanwhile, Terry quickly loses all sense of direction and becomes even more lost than before. Just when he is about to give up all hope, he turns a corner and sees the dean, who he approaches to ask for directions. However, before he can open his mouth, the dean sees him and reacts with a combination of shock and fear. "YOU! I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE AND NEVER COME BACK!"
"Huh?"
"SECURITY!!!!!"
A security guard, this time Andrew in disguise, arrives and begins to escort Terry off of the premises as the actor wails, "But I'm *supposed* to be here!"
Doug Sills, who, as we all recall, finally left his hiding place beneath the history book, now sat comfortably in the front row, disguised as a student. As Chauvelin stood there in bewilderment, he felt little pieces of popcorn pelt him from time to time. Finally discovering their origin, he smiled wickedly. Doug had his first moment of foreboding.
"May I introduce my companion whom I have brought along. Doug Sills..."
The female population of the gym screamed in unison, then began to chase Doug from the room. Chauvelin dusted his hands off in happiness, joyful that THAT was taken care of. Until he noticed them...
In the front row sat the Cats fans. All dressed up in their matted fur coats or, worse yet, spandex bodysuits. Their faces covered in make-up. And some even clutching posters and programs. Chauvie began to sweat.
"Oh, I have the CD with me. Won't you sing the Rum Tum Tugger song?" came from the leader of the Frou-frou patrol, sitting in the back with CD in hand. Before Chauvelin could resist, the song was playing and, surprise surprise! Terry came running in!
"Chauvie! My buddy! We must finish our song! But first, let's dance!"
Chauvelin, feeling the situation beginning to slip out of his control, tries to protest. "I don't think that now would be the best time to-"
"Oh c'mon! It'll be fun!" Terry insists and starts strutting his stuff before the Frenchman has time to reply. It's been nearly two decades since he did the role, but he manages to remember enough of the Tugger's moves to make the Cats fans clap and mewl with pleasure.
Chauvelin watches Mann for a moment, morbidly fascinated and wondering if the dance would get the same reaction from Marguerite, but then decides that while he may be desperate, he's not *that* desperate. Choosing to maintain his dignity, Chauvelin opts for a more traditional dance number. Unfortunately, there's only one dance that he knows well enough to be willing to do in public, and it was designed to be done by a large group of people, not as a solo. ChauChau begins to hop around the stage in a one-man gavotte and ends up looking even sillier than Terry.
Just then, Doug, who would have been out of the auditorium by now if his retreat hadn't been slowed down by having to deal with half a dozen teenage girls hanging onto his arms legs and back, spots Percy sitting in the back row of seats, wearing his froufrou patrol uniform. Doug remembers the Englishman's role in giving away his hiding place under the cafeteria table earlier in the day, so he decides to take revenge in the most fitting way he can think of. He puts on his best "eager fan" expression, pretends that he has no idea there are shrieking girls hanging all over him, and drags himself over to Percy while shouting out, "Oh my gosh! Ken! KEN!"
"Huh?" Percy looks around in confusion.
"I knew it was you, Ken" Doug continues. "At first I wasn't sure, but then I remembered what a master of disguise you are." As he speaks, he feels one of the girls loosen her grip and climb off his back.
"I don't know what you're tal-"
"I thought to myself 'he shaved off his mustache and is wearing a wig and a fake nose, but that has to be Ken!' " Another girl lowers herself to the floor and stands staring at Percy. "It's been ages since we saw each other, Ken, so I figured I'd come over so we could reminisce a little about the good times we had on the old show." A third girl disengages.
Percy is beginning to get nervous. Not only is he being stared at by the girls who let go of Doug, but by all of the girls who had been pursuing the man until just moments before. Something is amiss, but he can't figure out what the actor is trying to accomplish. "What?"
"You don't remember it, Ken? It was only a couple of years ago." The remaining girls let go of Doug, and the whole mob of teens begins to inch towards Percy. They don't seem hostile, just frighteningly eager. "That's okay. Grappin was such a minor role and you've gone on to much bigger and better things back in your country." Too late, comprehension dawns on Percy. His eyes widen in fear and he begins to scramble over the back of his seat even as Doug, grinning triumphantly, declares, "It's just such an honor to know that American soil is once again graced by the presence of the great Ken Labey!" At his final word the mob of girls lets out a massive shriek of excitement and dives after Percy, who bolts out of the auditorium as fast as his legs can carry him.
With his long legs, Percy is able to outdistance the teenage girls but realizes that he can't keep running around the school indefinitely and must come up with a better strategy. Just after he sprints past the dean's office, the door opens and the dean steps into the hall to see what all the commotion is about. A look of terror spreads over his face when he realizes that he is going to be trampled by the students. "Aaaaaahhhhhh!" Soon, the hallway in front of the office is blocked with the human equivalent of a 30-car pile-up and the girls still on their feet are wailing with disappointment since the elusive Ken Labey has escaped.
During the confusion in the hall, Percy turned down another corridor and ducked into the janitor's closet. There, he discarded his frou frou patrol uniform and disguised himself as a student. "Mustn't be caught by the frou frou patrol," Percy said to himself with a chuckle as he buttoned his satiny red shirt. "I believe that it's about time that I found Andrew and took my leave of this place." Percy goes in search of Andrew but he thinks he hears some of the obsessive fans approaching. He slips through the open door of the dance studio.
"Today, we will be learning the Argentine tango." The dance teacher notices Percy's presence and apparently mistakes him for one of her students. "Late again, young man! Because of your tardiness, you will help me demonstrate today's dance."
"But..."
"I don't want to hear any of your excuses. Just follow my instructions," the woman said, grasping his left hand. Percy decides to play along since he didn't want to give away the fact that he's not actually a student.
"And, anyway, how difficult could it be," thought Percy. Soon, he is going through the steps with the teacher and without any problem.
"Now, we will try it with music." The teacher started the music and Percy began to worry when he realized how fast the tempo was. Despite his best attempts to keep up with the music, Percy failed. He soon found himself getting those long legs tangled and about to fall over. He toppled onto the floor, dragging the instructor along with him, while the dance students tried to suppress giggles.
The teacher, apparently used to this type of thing, quickly pushes the large Englishman off of her, picks herself up off the floor, and straightens her disheveled clothing. She is a bit bruised and her hair has fallen out of its bun, but other than that, she is fine. Percy, however, is not so lucky. He rolls over and tries to stand but immediately collapses with a groan. He tries again with no success. Finally, he manages to pull himself upright, but his right leg is incapable of supporting any weight.
"Ooooowwwwwww!" Normally he wouldn't have complained, but his disguise as an American student meant that he didn't have to worry about maintaining the stoic façade required by British society. "My ankle!"
"Let me take a look at that." The dance teacher guides Percy over to a chair, forces him to sit, and then bends over to examine his ankle. After several painful pokes and prods she says, "well, it doesn't seem to be broken, but you have a very nasty sprain." Then, turning to address the students, she says, "I'll need two volunteers to help me get him to the nurse's office." Every female in the class immediately raises a hand. The teacher rolls her eyes in a knowing manner and picks the two strongest looking ones to assist her.
When they get Percy to the nurse's office, the waiting room is full of girls holding ice packs against various bumps and bruises. They all stare at Percy when he enters supported by the dance teacher and her two volunteers, but none of them seem to recognize him in his new disguise. The nurse's secretary informs them that the nurse is currently tending to the dean and will see to them as soon as she is finished with that.
Meanwhile, another odd scene is transpiring in the auditorium. ChauChau gives up on his one-man gavotte since all of the Cats fans are focused on Terrence. He's about to leave the stage and take a seat when he feels a hand on his arm. He turns to find a brunette dressed in a robe a la anglaise. "May I have this dance?" she asks with a smile. "I always liked you better than that silly Sir Percy."
Then, Andrew runs in from the backstage area and grabs Chauvelin's other arm, thinking that it's Terrence. "I finally caught up with you! Let's go. And no more trying to escape." Before Chauvelin can respond, the girl in the robe a la anglaise interrupts.
"But he was going to dance with me!"
"Sorry, miss, but he's trespassing and I have to escort him off the premises."
"I got to him first!"
The argument soon turns into a tug of war between Andrew and the girl with Chauvelin as the rope.
Doug Sills sits in the front row of the auditorium and watches all this happen as he tries to decide whether or not he wants to help Chauvelin. On the one hand, he is rather annoyed with the Citizen for sending the shrieking girls after him, but, on the other hand, ChauChau has been the only person he's managed to have a halfway intelligent conversation with all day. He makes his decision and is just about to come to the Frenchman's aid when someone calls out, "So this is where they hid the auditorium! Sorry I'm late, but it took me forever to find the place and some guy tried to have me thrown out when I went up to him to ask for directions. Where are all the theater students that I'm supposed to talk to?" Doug turns around and sees... Terrence Mann?!?
Confused, Doug looks back and forth between the Mann walking from the rear of the auditorium down the aisle towards him and the Mann up on the stage, still performing for the Cats fans. He also glances at Chauvelin, who doesn't really look exactly like the other two, but might be mistaken for one of them in bad light, which the school seems to have in abundance. Andrew, also confused by the multiple Terrys, lets go of Chauvelin's arm just as the girl in the robe a la anglaise gives another pull. She and ChauChau fall backward and land in a heap. Terrence (the one who isn't dancing) thinks it's some sort of theater game and starts clapping at their pratfall. He finally reaches Doug and shakes his hand. "Sills! Long time no see!"
"Hi. Nice to see you. Uh, Terry?"
"Yeah?"
"If you're down here shaking my hand, who's that up on the stage dancing for the kids in the weird costumes?"
Mann looks up and seems to notice his double for the first time. "Oh, that's Evil Robot Terry. I was going to use him as a visual aid for my presentation."
"Evil robot Terry?" asks Doug, sounding a tad concerned.
"Oh, don't worry. He's harmless. I just call him that because of all the problems I had while programming him. He kept knocking over my furniture and would do strange things such as splicing together lyrics from Cats and Les Miz. Luckily, I seem to have finally gotten all the bugs out." Terrence starts to climb up the stairs to the stage with Doug trailing behind. "I'd better go retrieve him."
As the two actors cross the stage, they come to Chauvelin and the girl in the robe a la anglaise. The pair is still sprawled on the floor, looking kind of dazed. Andrew is standing off to the side, at a loss about what to do. Terry helps the girl up while Doug pulls Chauvelin to his feet.
Chauvelin groans and clutches his head. "Oh, my aching head."
The girl, who was not hurt thanks to her voluminous dress, rushes to his side and examines his head. "You must have hit your head. There's a terrible bump. Don't worry, my little Chauvelin. I will take you to the nurse's office!"
Chauvelin tries to protest but his head hurts too much. With a huge grin, the girl in the robe a la anglaise whisks him off the stage and out of the auditorium.
As the couple leaves, Doug, Terrence and Andrew hear a loud crash from the other side of the stage. They look and find that robot Terry has knocked over a piece of scenery that was left onstage.
"Not again!" Terrence approaches the robot with the intention of turning it off but before he reaches his double, robot Terry dashes offstage and into the wings.
Robot Terry runs about madly backstage, screaming out songs about Jellicle Cats who chase convicts, intending to guillotine them, but end up stealing reindeer from Mrs. North and killing off aliens. While he does this, Andrew Lloyd Webber, who had stopped by to give a talk also, begins scribbling these ideas down in inspiration.
"Wow!" he exclaims! "The makings of a GREAT musical!"
Webber finds a piano backstage and beings plunking out chords and harmonies. Robot Terry, still quite destroyed, lurches forward and out into the hallways. As the rest of the group follows Robot Terry, the real Terry stays behind to talk with Webber. After all, he needs a lyricist, and Terry and his partner Chauvie are already there...
MEANWHILE...
Robot Terry battered his way into the office, where Percy sat surrounded by teenage girls, battering their eyelashes at him and nearly blinding him with the glare from their glitter makeup. However, they all looked up when Robot Terry came in, grabbed one of the girls, and exclaimed loudly, "You are a traitor to the republic of Liberty! the American Revolution! Therefore, you must be guillotined then thrown into the river Seine!" Percy jumped up, his heroic instincts kicking in.
"You shall not harm her!" he cried. "Here," he continued, thrusting a recently arrived Armand St. Just into Robot Terry's path. "Hurt him instead!" Robot Terry eagerly accepted the sacrifice, and ran off with a bawling Armand in tow. The girl turned to Percy.
"You saved my life," she said, giggling softly.
She stands on tiptoe and leans forward as if she were going to give the tall Englishman a kiss.
"Ooooowwww!" Percy collapses into his chair and grabs his sprained ankle. The girl finds herself kissing the air. She pouts as she sits down and returns to holding an ice pack against a bruised knee.
Almost immediately she brightens as she gets an idea for another ploy. Draping herself against Percy's shoulder, she stares up at him and, batting her eyelashes, says, "Has anyone ever told you that you look a lot like Douglas Sills?"
"Um, no, not that I can recall." Silently, Percy adds to himself, *but I've heard people say that he looks like me...*
"Well you do." She giggles and smiles in what she hopes is a seductive manner. Percy just rolls his eyes and prays that the nurse finishes with the dean soon so he can get his ankle taken care of, find Andrew, and get home to Marguerite.
Out in the hall, Armand tries to get away from robot Terry. During their struggle, the out-of-control robot hits its head against a locker door. Robot Terry's head falls to the floor at Armand's feet. "Aaaahhhh!" Armand frantically wiggles free of the robot's grasp and starts running towards the school's front door with the now headless robot in pursuit. "Heeeeelp!" Armand runs outside, slams the door, and focuses on putting as much distance as possible between himself and the school, forgetting all about the fact that he was supposed to tell Percy that the latest mission was a success. Robot Terry, finding the way blocked, turns and wanders down another hall.
A couple of minutes later, the girl in the robe a la anglaise and a still dazed Chauvelin walk down the hall to the nurse's office. Chauvelin then spots robot Terry's head on the floor and runs over to it. He picks up the head and upon recognizing the face, he sobs "My friend, what have they done to you?"
Now dazed by both the head injury and the apparent loss of his newfound singing partner, Chauvelin tucks the head under his arm and allows himself to be led the rest of the way to the nurse's office. When he enters the office, all the girls freeze in fear, thinking that he is Robot Terry returning for a second victim. As soon as he steps forward into a patch of better light they realize that they were mistaken and return to flirting with Percy. A few of the girls look like they wouldn't mind flirting with ChauChau too, but the girl in the robe a la anglaise makes it clear that she isn't sharing.
Meanwhile, headless Robot Terry wanders back into the auditorium, where Terrence Mann and Andrew Lloyd Webber have organized the Cats fans into a chorus to help work out the songs for the new show. They are having a difficult time getting some of the most obsessive fans to do anything other than meow but are making a bit of progress nonetheless. They are about halfway through composing a song about falcons diving into the Seine when Terrence, who is desperately missing Chauvelin's input, notices his robot standing off on the edge of the stage.
"Did you knock your head off *again*?" he asks in disbelief. The robot tries to shake its head in denial, but of course it really did knock its head off, so all it can do is wiggle the stump of its neck. "Well let's go look for it." He turns to Webber and the Cats fans, saying, "I'm sorry, but you'll have to excuse me. This should only take a couple of minutes," then, turning back to Robot Terry, says, "c'mon" and starts walking offstage. The robot begins to follow him but in the process knocks over several chairs and a cardboard cutout of a guillotine. Mann grabs it by the hand and leads it out into the hall.
Back in the nurse's office, Chauvelin feels himself getting dizzy, so he desperately looks around for a place to sit before he falls over, but the room is so full of injured girls that every single available surface is taken, including the coffee tables and windowsills. Just then, a seat opens up when the girl Percy saved gets up to get more ice for her knee. Realizing that this is no time to be picky, Chauvelin lurches over to the bench and collapses next to Blakeney. The girl in the robe a la anglaise walks over and perches on the arm of the bench so she can hover protectively over Chauvelin, glowering balefully at anyone who even looks like they're thinking of approaching her little Citizen. Since Chauvelin is sitting right next to Percy, this means that, temporarily at least, the Englishman is protected as well. Percy is thankful for the reprieve, but he can't resist teasing his longtime adversary.
"So you've decided to join us, eh M. Chambertin? Odd's fish, between your pale skin, that black and blue mark around your eye, and that bump on your forehead which is turning a fetching shade of scarlet, you won't need to wear that beloved sash of yours anymore because wrapping the tricolor around your waist would be redundant!" He laughs inanely at his own observation.
"Leave off, Blakeney," Chauvelin growls under his breath so that his words reach only Percy's ears. "This isn't the time."
However, Percy continues blithely on as if he doesn't hear. "La! But then I suppose you wouldn't mind having a black eye, would you, seeing as how it matches all your usual attire." Just then he notices Robot Terry's head resting in Chauvelin's lap. "Oh, and I see you're taking some of your work home with you! I guess I can't blame you for it. After all," he gives another inane laugh, "I take my work home with me all the time no matter what *you* do to try to stop me."
Something inside Chauvelin snaps. He begins to shout. "I SAID LEAVE OFF DAMN YOU! SO FAR TODAY I HAVE BEEN CHASED, MAULED, BATTERED, MANHANDLED, AND ABUSED IN ALMOST EVERY WAY POSSIBLE SHORT OF BEING DISMEMBERED OR SET ON FIRE! I HAVE BEEN MOBBED, ALMOST BURIED UNDER FALLING SPORTS EQUIPMENT, AND SUBJECTED TO COUNTLESS OTHER INDIGNITIES! I FINALLY MEET SOMEONE WHO SEEMS LIKE A KINDRED SPIRIT ONLY TO FIND HIS SEVERED HEAD LYING ON THE FLOOR A SHORT TIME LATER! AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF I WAS ROBBED BY THAT PATHETIC ROYALIST EXCUSE FOR AN EDUCATIONAL OFFICIAL BEFORE HE TRIED TO HAVE ME EJECTED FROM THE PREMISES SO I HAVEN'T HAD ANY SNUFF IN NEARLY AN HOUR AND A HALF! I! DO! NOT!! NEED!! TO!!! PUT!!! UP!!!! WITH!!!! YOU!!!!!"
As he finishes his rant Chauvelin realizes that he has wrapped his hands around Percy's neck in a stranglehold and is shaking the man to emphasize each word. Unfortunately, he is getting even dizzier than before and knows that no matter how much he wants to do it, he doesn't currently have the strength to kill his enemy with his bare hands, and even if he did he wouldn't want a roomful of teenage girls as witnesses. With a resigned sigh he shoves Blakeney away and slumps back in his seat, resting his head against the wall and wishing that the room would stop spinning.
Almost everyone, including Percy, is too shocked to do anything other than stare at the Frenchman. Only the girl in the robe a la anglaise reacts differently. She smiles and begins applauding Chauvelin's efforts.