**Here's something rather rare, a little project of mine that started out relatively silly (like #52 on the list) and evolved into something mostly serious. Usually I try to do serious stuff and it turns silly. Anyway, the standard disclaimer applies. I didn't write The Wild Party, and I'm not making any money from this, etc...**

80 Lessons To Be Learned From The Wild Party
By Zath Chauvert

1. Always make sure the people you sleep with are healthy.

2. Status and wealth do not determine how good a person is in bed.

3. Liking your lovers to be violent and vicious can lead to trouble.

4. Psychotic Vaudeville clowns are bad for your (and their own) health.

5. Throwing a party to hide your dysfunctional relationship only delays the inevitable.

6. Clowns are supposed to know what people mean by "fun."

7. Grape juice don’t got no sting.

8. Jell-O is worse than dying at home.

9. Only give your guests coffee when it’s time to leave.

10. People might show up because they love you, or they might just be looking for cheap booze.

11. "There ain’t no heaven and there ain’t no hell."

12. You’re never too young to start lying about your age.

13. "Never rush liquor or love."

14. Creatures of the night don’t need the light and don’t like the day.

15. Sometimes writhing around on the street is just writhing around on the street, not performance art to make a statement about society.

16. Occasionally, when you think a person is gutter trash, they really are gutter trash.

17. "You need somebody like you."

18. "Uptown is looking more like downtown, which is looking more like uptown everyday."

19. The rest of the world is lynching, killing, and dying... C’est la vie!

20. "Manhattan's a bubble of rejuvenatin' jazzin' "

21. "Ain’t nothing like being in the ring."

22. People aren’t always as happy as they claim to be.

23. It’s not enough to assume that your bosses are going to take you with them when the business moves uptown. If you don’t know for sure, ask.

24. Sometimes you need to change your name to be successful, other times you just need to dump the animal acts.

25. Beautiful legs can drive men to homicide.

26. "Don’t turn around. Don’t look back."

27. "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer."

28. Individuals are too complicated for it to be possible to label someone "friend" or "foe," because people are usually a bit of both.

29. Saying you won’t be jealous about something can’t keep you from actually feeling jealous when the time comes.

30. Telling someone you’ll leave the party together no matter what does not guarantee that it will happen.

31. The person claiming to be your best friend might not always have your best interests in mind.

32. Some things are tabu.

33. Different people fall for different styles of mooching.

34. "Monogamy can exert you, keeping track of what goes on behind your back."

35. "Is it too much to ask- it is such an awful task- to be faithful? Ah! There’s the rub..."

36. "You gotta make her love ya’, no matter what the price."

37. "Some are born for higher things."

38. "Swim with sharks in shallow pools, you get bit and them’s the rules."

39. Nothing ruins the somber mood like stopping in the middle and asking someone to bring you more ice for your drink.

40. "Blame it on the gin."

41. Whiskey is just booze.

42. Being a party-crasher doesn’t keep a person from having important information to share.

43. Just because someone does not like you and you do not like them does not mean that they are lying to you.

44. Make sure you know about the past of the person you live with.

45. "The second you think you know it all, life goes and takes a big bite outta your ass."

46. Don’t give up everything that’s important to you until you know what you’re getting in return.

47. Most people have better things to do with their time than write your epitaph.

48. "Breaking a stray in ain’t so hard."

49. If there are enough lights, you can pretend one of them is shining on you.

50. Some people take lovers like pills hoping to cure what they know they can’t fix.

51. Nobody cares if you never become famous.

52. Always leave your pants somewhere you’ll be able to find them once you’re sober.

53. Everybody does too much too soon.

54. "A promise made in the throes of passion is a promise that can never be broken. Violate that promise and terrible things can happen."

55. "Hell hath no fury like a woman legend performer scorned."

56. "There’s nothing wrong with Poughkeepsie that living in Manhattan couldn’t fix."

57. If you look too closely at the lights of Broadway you might go blind, but some people don’t care.

58. When you want more, be careful who you ask.

59. Even if you’re not having fun, you’ll be sore in the morning.

60. Not everyone knows when to call it quits.

61. Not everyone knows how to say "I’ll take this or that" or "Either/Or" or "Neither/Nor."

62. Attempting to rape a fourteen year old tends to ruin the party for everyone.

63. Asking everyone to go home does not guarantee that they all will.

64. Always make sure you are calling your significant other by the proper name.

65. Even if you’re the scum of the earth, you can get people to follow you home as long as you have something they want and promise them a good time.

66. "Love ain’t nothin’ but a whole lot of nothin’ "

67. Some people would rather have comfort than love.

68. "It’s about comfort, and keepin’ hold of it, hangin’ on to it, and doin’ whatever it takes to get more."

69. If you live with someone long enough you’ll start to smell like them.

70. You may say you want to see someone dead, but even if you mean it at the time, you probably won't be very happy when someone actually kills the person right in front of you.

71. Minor irritations can have a disastrously cumulative effect.

72. Phrases like "tangled in my hair" sound a little strange when the actor saying them is completely bald.

73. When crazy people break, nasty things occur.

74. "The higher the high, the harder you’re gonna crash back down when it ends."

75. "You can take a million lovers, but you’re on your own when it ends."

76. "No party lasts forever."

77. It feels good to know you’re not the only one.

78. Always lock the door before you have sex if there are other people in the apartment, especially if one of them is the psychotic Vaudeville clown you just dumped for another man.

79. When pointing a gun at someone, you should pay attention to the other people in the room, not ignore them in favor of focusing entirely on your target.

80. Just because you’re ready to put down the gun doesn’t mean that everyone can be happy and nobody is going to get shot.

[Return to the Library.]
[Return to the Main Page.]