Delighted with this discovery, she moves on to the next dog. "And what's your name then?" Again, unbelievably, the 2nd dog answers her, "My name's Lewy, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles." And so she moves on to the last dog. "Let me guess," she says. "your name's Dewy, and you've had a great day going in and out of puddles."
"No," replies the last dog. "My name's Puddles, and I've had an
awful day."
"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual ...because he hated
the book!"
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign
in the window saying:
"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office
manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However,
the dog looked determined, so he led him into
the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the
manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to
be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded
to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample
spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time
the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I
realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting
abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog.
The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to
remind everyone of the little dog's wagging
tail.
The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through the pearly gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who questioned the little dog as to where he was going.
The little dog said "I have been a good dog - so I am going into
heaven where I belong!". Saint Peter replied "Heaven is a place of perfection,
you can not come into heaven without a
tail, where is your tail?"
The little dog explained the what had happened back on earth.
St Peter told the little dog to go back down to earth and retrieve his
tail. The little dog protested that it was now
the middle of the night on earth, but St Peter would not change
his mind.
So the little dog went back down to earth and scratched on the door of the pub until the bartender who lived upstairs came down and opened the door.
"My goodness, it is the spirit of the little dog. What can I do
for you?" said the bartender. The little dog explained that he wasn't allowed
into heaven without his tail, and he needed it back. The bartender replied
"I would really like to help you, but my liquor license doesn't allow me
to retail spirits after hours!"
The brown lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything." He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab says, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a grea big hole in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.
"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for. I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself, I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac
for you too, huh?" The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped.
He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."
The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.
The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes.
The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.
The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.
Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.
The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.
They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!" To which the guy responds, "Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables. He again heard, "Jesus is watching you."
This time, he shone his light all over, and it rested on a parrot. He asked, "Did you say that?"
The parrot admitted that he had. "I'm just trying to warn you, is all."
The burglar said, "Warn me, huh? Who are you? What's your name?"
"Moses."
"Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"
The bird answered, "I don't know; I guess the same folks who would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'".
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every
day. Now, I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here
and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And G-d said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you
that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for
you so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me.
Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this
new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in
spite of yourself."
And G-d created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And
it was a good animal. And G-d was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in
the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name
for this new animal."
And G-d said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal
to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of
my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.
And Adam was comforted. And G-d was pleased. And Dog was content
and wagged his tail.
After awhile, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the
L-rd and said, "L-rd, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts
and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration.
Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."
And the L-rd said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion
who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion
will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy
of adoration."
And G-d created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey
Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not
the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And G-d was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And
Cat did not care one way or the other.
He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy."
So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there.
Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.
By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the
house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or
something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the
two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly
in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows
the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself, "Darn, that's the third
gay rooster I've bought this month."
"Do you have any duck food?" the duck asks.
"No we don't got any duck food."
"Okay, thanks anyway", says the duck, and walks out.
The next day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open again, and the same duck walks in.
"Got any duck food?" he asks.
The clerk is a little annoyed "No! We don't have any duck food!"
"Fine." the duck says and walks out.
The third day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open and the duck walks in and asks "Got any duck food?"
By now the clerk so getting very annoyed: "No" he yells "We don't have
any duck food! We didn't have any yesterday won't don't have any today
and we won't have any tomorrow! And if
you come in here again and ask if we have and duck food I'll nail your
little web feet to the floor!!!!"
All the duck does is turn and walk out the door.
On the forth day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open and the duck walks in: "Got any nails?" the duck asks.
"No, we don't have any nails."
"Well then," the duck says "got any duck food?"
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".
BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what
you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk
them. After that it takes both,
shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then
it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows..
ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your
publicly - listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother
- in - law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated
general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction
for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred
via a Panamanian
intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority
shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed
company. The annual report says that
the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile,
you kill the two cows because the fung shiu is bad.
ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution,
believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government.
The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the
best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they
think it would be "throwing their vote away."
It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
So they got a stud bull from the next town, and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.
Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the Prophet what to do. After all he was very wise.
They told him the story. "We've tried all day to mate our cow. When
the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves
in from the left the cow moves to the
right. What do we do?"
The Prophet thought a moment and said "Tie the cow down with the legs apart and the bull will be able to mate." Then he asked, "Did you buy this cow from Lahore?"
"Prophet!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Lahore. How did you know that?"
The Prophet said, sadly, "My wife is from Lahore."
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big
deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into thehole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not asound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was
chained to a railroad tie."
The Lord stops the cat and says "say no more" and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer. The mice answer "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says "say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing
on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him "How are
things since you are here?" The cat stretches and yawns and replies
"It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected.
And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are theeeeeeeee best!!!"
The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.
Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards, turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!!
He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
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