Philosophical Jokes

BASIC TRUTHS

• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some don't have film
• A day without sunshine is like, night.
• Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
• You have the right to remain silent.  Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
• Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
• The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
• Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
• Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
• The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as warning to others.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
• Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked  something.
• People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
• The one thing that unites all people regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic origin, is that deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
• There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
• People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
• You should not confuse your career with your life.
• A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
• No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
• When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
• Your friends love you anyway.
• Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
• If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it.
• All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
• You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
• There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.
• By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
• The other line always moves faster... until you get in it.
• Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.
• The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

 

 

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THINGS TO PONDER.......

• If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
• If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
• When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
• Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
• If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
• If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
• Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
• If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
• Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
• How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
• Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
• Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
• Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
• Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
• OK, so what's the speed of dark?
• How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

Finding the Right Girl

In high school, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.

I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was without direction. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now all I want is a girl with large breasts.