Once upon a time, in the land of Dorkfae, there lived an incredibly snobby noble called Erzebitch. She was reknowned throughout the land for the baths of bud in which she soaked her limbs, often spending weeks at a time in her tub. Her bathroom was actually her room of worship, and in that room she had an altar erected, complete with candles and incense and graven images of herself.
Erzebitch was very much smitten by her own beauty, you see, and she firmly believed that submerging herself in bud kept her complexion from showing any signs of age. Every so often she would kneel to worship at the feet of her patron deity, the porcelain goddess, and her servants knew then not to disturb her while she was in that deep, meditative state.
Of course, bathing in bud does terrible things to one's mind, and so Erzebitch, after centuries of these baths, was a bit unhinged. When she spoke, her words made little to no sense, and she left various people feeling bewildered and confused. She also lacked certain social skills, which will happen when one does not leave the bathroom, and so she also had a reputation as a very mean and cruel noble.Every once in a vast while Erzebitch would arise from her bath, dry herself out, and wander about the lands of Dorkfae, stirring up trouble wherever she went. Erzebitch had a bad habit of opening her mouth and letting whatever crossed her mind at the time come out of it. Usually what crossed her mind were insults at the dress and hair of her fellow Dorkfaens, but often she would turn her bloodshot eye upon other realms, and make her presence known to them.
Regardless of the entertainment she derived from scorning the general populace, in a frenzy of budlust she always returned to her bath, and slid her body into the frothy depths of her tub. At these times, all of the peoples of Dorkfae would breathe a huge sigh of relief, knowing that they were once again safe for perhaps another year or two.
One day, the nobles of Dorkfae had had enough, and as Erzebitch was out terrorizing the land, a faction of them snuck into her sacred toilet and drained away all of her bud. Satisfied that they had put an end to her centuries long reign of terror (they had no idea, really) the nobles smugly left with much patting of backs.
A short few minutes after, Erzebitch came into the room only to find that her tub was empty. Erzebitch had not learned nothing in her many years of soaking, however, and with a smirk, she turned on the tap.
After some decades spent in her tub, when she had finally decided that her pale skin was again soft enough and her tresses shone like a maiden's, she stepped out into the town. In a rare moment of sympathy, Erzebitch decided to visit the local cemetery, where she kindly patted the tombstones of those nobles who had once united to drain her bath. And then she laughed, and walked away.
©1998 CHAMAELIRIUM