Short, grey, and furry stories of the Aardvark himself.
I picked up the stories below from some forum on Compuserve. So you don't give me all of the credit for them.....just most. If you have written any shorts stories about Cerebus, or if you know of any, send em to me here. But bear in mind, there can't be any content actually written my Dave Sim, cause then I might get sued.
In the city of Iest, on a plot of empty land at the edge of a large mansion, a man digs a hole in the ground. The mansion is decayed and abandoned, the nobleman and his family having died during the ascension, and the gardener, old and decrepit and without any kin, continued his work until he decided to dig a hole in the ground.
Cerebus, hiding in the mansion, sees the gardener digging and watches in fascination. Watches the old man bend and rise, methodically shoveling a spadeful of dirt onto a pile at the edge of the hole, all the while sinking lower into the hole he digs.
Outside the mansion Cirinists search for the aardvark, and two decide to search the mansion while the others fan out further afield. Cerebus calls to the gardener who looks up, shrugs and returns to his digging. Finally Cerebus heads into the garden and hides himself from view behind the mountain of dirt the gardener has unearthed.
Cerebus: What are you doing?
Gardener: Digging a hole.
Cerebus: (Eyes narrowed in annoyance.) Cerebus can see you're digging a hole!
Gardener: So why did Cerebus ask?
Cerebus: Cerebus wonders why you are digging a hole.
Gardener: None of Cerebus' damn business!
Cerebus: (Sword point raised before the gardener.) Cerebus is a wanted aardvark. He kills without mercy, and an old man with a spade is no match for him.
Gardener: So what is Cerebus, merciless killer and hunted aardvark trying to say, hey?
Cerebus: Cerebus is saying that a gardener without a hand can hardly hold a spade.
Gardener: (After pausing to think about that.) That's true. Cerebus is very astute.
Cerebus: (Icily.) Tell Cerebus why you are digging a hole in the ground, or...
Just then one of the Cirinists searching the temple sees Cerebus from the upper storey of the window and shouts out: There he is!
Cirinists converge on the aardvark who leaps on top of the dirt pile and battles them. The gardener carries on digging. One of the Cirinists pushes the gardener away and is about to slay him but Cerebus kills her and defends the gardener from further attack. The Cirinists press forward and Cerebus is forced back, hopping off the hillock and dispatching several more of the attackers. The battle is silent and terse with Cerebus eventually killing them all, and managing to make sure they all fell into the hole the gardener dug..
The aardvark turns to the gardener but the gardener has vanished. Looking into the hole Cerebus sees the gardener lying in the hole, spade in hand, crushed under the weight of the Cirinists' dead bodies. Leaping down into the hole Cerebus asks the gardener why he was digging the hole.
Gardener: (Before dying, coughing up blood) None of Cerebus' damn business!
Cerebus cuts off the gardeners hand out of spite and leaps out of the grave. He pauses for a moment, partly fills in the mass grave, then leaves the grounds and escapes the city.
Partially revealed beneath the remainder of the hill of dirt is a stone with the gardeners name on it, and an epitaph:
NIRVEN JOHONA
He planted seeds and bulbs, and here he plants his soul.
Cerebus is drunk. He staggers into the darkness of the backyard behind the tavern, clutching a tankard of ale. Up in the sky bright lights flicker and flash and a flying saucer hovers and descends, landing gently before the aardvark. The ship is thirty odd feet in diameter, fairly small, and twenty feet high, easily dwarfing Cerebus. A doorway appears in the saucer, bright light floods out and a gangplank extrudes from the foot of the door,
angling down several feet below Cerebus. A small alien, very ET-like in shape and size appears in the doorway and gently steps down to the ground, until, finally, it stands before Cerebus, one spindly fingered hand raised in the gesture of universal greeting.
ET: We come in peace.
Cerebus: (After staring at the strange sight) Buuurp!
ET: (Thinking that perhaps Cerebus did not understand) Take me to your leader.
At this, Cerebus' eyes narrow and he takes drunken offense. He has been defacto leader of the Pigts, prime-minister of Iest, and pope. This strange alien being offends Cerebus' sensibilities.
Cerebus: Most Holy is busy getting drunk. Come back later.
ET: I am representative of a great star-spanning civilization come to extend an offer of friendship and knowledge.
Cerebus: What about power?
ET: Power?
Cerebus: And gold?
ET: Gold?
Cerebus: So. Funny looking alien from outer space offers friendship and knowledge but not gold and power. Perhaps ET has come to Cerebus to steal Most Holy's gold?
ET: Um...Listen, we come in peace and offer friendship. Couldn't you at least offer us hospitality? A little wine and food for starving aliens from another world?
Cerebus: (After having thought about it). Do you have gold?
ET: Gold? Ah - unreactive, malleable metal with good conductive properties and inert nature. Why would anyone want gold?
Cerebus: Don't try to confuse Cerebus. Most Holy want's gold, not excuses! Do you have gold?
ET: No. Sorry. (Looking longingly at Cerebus tankard of ale) Do you have any ale?
Cerebus: Cerebus has enjoyed this drunken stupor but he thinks he will pass out now.
Cerebus gulps down the last of his ale and looks strangely at the alien. And passes out. ET looks at the unconscious aardvark, looks at the distant tavern which is all lit up and alive with the sounds of raucous laughter, shrugs his shoulders and heads back into the ship.
The saucer takes off and vanishes.
End....
© 2001 dhahn@value.net