Um, this is the Beta-Red version of "Where Do We Go From Here?", please post
this one instead!! Thanks a lot!! Great job at the archive!!
Kat
DISCLAIMER: The standard stuff, yah-da-yah-da-yah. I mean no infringement!
Dana Scully, Fox Mulder, etc belong to Chris Carter, FOX, and Ten-Thirteen
Productions. I am just playing with them in my head.
NOTE: This is my second effort at fanfic, (my first was of "Early Edition")
this one is just a lil' Scully journey entry, which takes place after
"Gesthamene." Contains Season 4 and "Gesthamene" spoilers. Written on the
premise that what happened in "Gesthamene" is final. Rated PG for mild
language. (Hey, what do you expect from someone not yet 18?)
WARNING: Contains angst and implied MSR. I *am* a Shipper. Be warned.
Where Do We Go From Here?
By Orange Kat
"I saw, in gradual vision through my tears,
The sweet, sad years, the melancholy years,
Those of my own life, who by turns had flung
A shadow across me."
--Elizabeth Barrett Browning
April 19, 1997
I felt the world slip out under my feet as I sat there, numb, uttering words
like ghostly whispers. Those are words I do not hear myself--I do not want
to hear them. It was as if I saw your face again, freshly painted with
blood, and behind the blood tears that other people could not see. For once,
Mulder, I *want* to believe that you're alive. I want to believe that at
this very second, you will perhaps knock on my door and offer me another one
of your outlandish theories. Tonight I talked to them. I talked to Blevin.
I told them myself that you were gone, never to return again. I told them
with the deepest pain in my heart, a pain transcending that of the physical
wounds I have bore through all these years of our partnership. Our
friendship. Our love.
What made you do it, Mulder? A man's words? Was it me? You asked me what
made me believe what he said instead of what you said. If I had known, I
would have told you, thousands of times, millions of times--the only one I
believe in is you. I believe in you to help me walk through the last hours
of my life. I believe that if you could, you will find a way to fight away
the demons in me. And I believe in us, to find out about the truth no matter
what. It seems a long time since you lied in a cramped motel room, pouring
into me with utter trust and sincerity the pain you have felt since your
sister left you. I felt that pain. I saw the twelve year old boy in you,
all fear and terror, watching Samantha leave you.
After four years, it all ended this afternoon--even now I cannot bring myself
to face the truth. Isn't this what you always accused me of? Of being too
rigid in my scientific beliefs. If this is the ultimate truth, I do not wish
to find it. I do not wish for this to be the end. It shouldn't be the end.
You shouldn't have left me, left your mother, left everything unexplained.
Damn it, Mulder. You've always been a stubborn son of a bitch. You left
without telling me--after all that we've been through together. Is this your
idea of the final sacrifice? Did you imagine, somewhere deep inside you,
that leaving would solve all the mysteries, put all the pieces of the puzzles
together? Did you expect to find Samantha, wherever you have gone?
Once again I am standing inside your dark apartment, unknown, blurry faces
surrounding me. They are ghosts--they do not exist. They don't care. And
as I lay my eyes upon you, the truth that I do not want to face hits me,
doubles me over, leaves me choking for breath.
Tomorrow I will go to our office. I will clean your desk for you, because
you never do. But I won't put away your things. You have always believed in
life after death, Mulder. Some sort of resurrection, you call it. That is
the only belief that keeps me from diving off the fringe of sanity now. I
will hold onto it for dear life. I will hold on to your spirit, because
losing it will end everything.
I want to believe that you are still here.
Return to me, Mulder.
*Well folks, that's it! Please tell me what you think. My e-mail address is
SaiTiau@aol.com. I personally think there's room for great improvement, but
since finals is approaching I think I'll leave that for later. All
constructive criticism accepted and welcomed.
(
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