STACEY: Hello?

VOICE: Hello. I'd like to order a large Hawaiian pizza please. But don't put any pineapple on because your pinapple sucks. And don't put any tomato on. Or chesse. Just give me the base, I'll chew on that for a few hours.

STACEY: Who is this?

VOICE: What number is this?

STACEY: What number are you trying to reach?

VOICE: When am I gonna get my pizza?

Stacey sighs and puts the phone down. She walks away as it rings again.

STACEY: Hello?

VOICE: Hi. I was just kidding, I got the wrong number.

STACEY: So why did you ring me back?

VOICE: What's your problem? I'm only trying to be nice.

STACEY: I'm sorry, you just sound like a psychopath.

VOICE: (coughs) Well, I'm not a pyshcopath, I mean uhm.......

STACEY: I have to go.

VOICE: I want to talk to you.

STACEY: They've got-

VOICE: -900 numbers for that yeah, real funny, read it in the script, how come you get all the smart lines? I just sound stupid with this-

STACEY: -Excuse me? Can we get back to the issue here?

VOICE: Oh right, yeah, what are we up to? Oh, don't hang up on me..........

Stacey keeps listening.

VOICE: Don't hang up on me.......(sighs) This is the part where you hang up on me.........

STACEY: Oh yeah, right.

Stacey puts the phone down.

It rings again.

STACEY: Hello?

VOICE: You hang up on me again, I'll gut you like a fig, I mean, fish, understand?

STACEY: What do you want?

VOICE: To see what your insoles look like!!!

STACEY: Insoles?

VOICE: Yes, insoles, you got a better word?

STACEY: (thinking about it) I guess not. But I'm not wearing shoes.

VOICE: Would you please come outside? I'd like to stalk and terrify and kill you and your boyfriend Steve.

STACEY: That's not how it goes!! It's not in the script!!

VOICE: Oh unclench, stop being such a tightass, I just wanna kill you.

STACEY: (long sigh) You've totally ruined the shock element.

VOICE: No, honey, that's you. Are you gonna come out and play or not?

STACEY: When do I get to scream?

VOICE: Why would you wanna do that?

STACEY: That's the name of the film, dufus?

VOICE: Really? I thought it was Scram.

STACEY: What are you dyslexsic?

VOICE: YES I AM OK!! Give me a break, do you know how hard it is to get work in this town? You're ruining it for me, Drew, I mean, Stacey, I mean.........oh crap.

STACEY: How do you know my name?

VOICE: It's right there, in the script, just above me. By the way, why am I just "Voice"? I think I should get a better credit than just a f*****g voice!! I'm not getting paid by the f******g hour, you know!!

CHRIS: (WRITER) Sorry, voice, there's not much else we can call you, except maybe crapweed.

VOICE: Don't do me any favours......

STACEY: All right, I'm coming outside.

VOICE: Wait, don't.

STACEY: Why not?

VOICE: Because I'm not there.

STACEY: Where are you?

VOICE: I'm heading to the studio now, I'm driving along Wilshire Boulevard. I'm on the carphone.

STACEY: Jesus Christ, I can't work like this!!

VOICE: Calm down, I was out late, it was a party there was booze, I woke up hanging from the Hollywood sign.

STACEY: Can we get on with it?

VOICE: This voice changer is hurting my ears.

STACEY: (getting into her role) I am two seconds away from calling the police.

VOICE: They'd never make it in time, I don't think I will either.

STACEY: Oh My God!! Somebody help me!!!

VOICE: Jesus, you're making my ears bleed!!

STACEY: You'd better go.

VOICE: Why?

STACEY: Your phone bill will be huge.

VOICE: I reversed the charges.....besides, you won't be alive to pay the bill.

STACEY: I don't pay the bill anyway, my Dad does.

VOICE: Stop stepping on my lines. I'm gonna kill you Casey!! And the rest of the Sunshine Band!!

DIRECTOR: Cut!! Goddamitt, you people call yourselves actors? You're all full of s**t !!!! This is the first day and already we're messed up, we're ten months behind f*****g shcedule!!! Where's the producer?

PRODUCER: Right here. I've just had word, those people who play Billy and Stu have killed themselevs in a repressed homosexual suicide pact.

DIRECTOR: I don't believe this, I don't f*****g believe this!!!

PRODUCER: Also, the scriptwriter has changed the ending.

DIRECTOR: To what?

PRODUCER: Well, he thinks it should be that aliens killed all those people. But they're nice aliens. Kinda like ET, but they get doped up on weed. They like the people they killed and feel bad about it so they bring them back to life.

DIRECTOR: Then what happens?

PRODUCER: They all join hands and sing "It's a small world after all."

DIRECTOR: That guy's a f *****g nutcase!! When did he write that?

PRODUCER: I'm not sure, but there was a crackpipe on his desk this morning.

Sound of director running of set screaming his lungs out. Sound of set collapsing, hair being torn out, multiple suicide gunshots.

STACEY: Anybody want some popcorn? It's ready.

END