Wes- Hello?
Stranger- Hello?
Wes- Yes?
Stranger- Who is this?
Wes- Wes Craven, famous director of horror movies
Stranger- *mumbling* What an ego.
Wes- What did you say?
Stranger- Um, uh, what number is this?.....yeah, that’s the ticket.
Wes- I just told you who I was. You must be able to figure out if you have the right number.
Stranger- I’m all voice, no brain. Can’t you tell?
Wes- Well, I think you have the wrong number.
Stranger- Who are you to tell me if I have the wrong number?
Wes- Take it easy.
Stranger- What?

Wes hangs up...then the phone rings again...

Wes- Hello?
Stranger- Listen, you’re ruining this whole thing.
Wes- What do you mean?
Stranger- You’re not supposed to tell me who you are.
Wes- I think you’re crazy, good-
Stranger- Wait, Wait. Don’t hang up.
Wes- What?
Stranger- I want to talk to you for a second.
Wes- They've got 900 numbers for that.
Stranger- Hey, are you calling me a fag? I can get girls, I really c-

Wes hangs up and proceeds to the editing room...the phone rings again...

Wes- Hello?!?
Stranger- Why don't you wanna play with me?
Wes- I thought you weren’t a fag
Stranger- Hey, watch it smart guy. I meant talk with me.
Wes- Because you obviously have no concept of what you’re doing.
Stranger- It’s hard to think while trying to keep this goddamn voice changer over the phone.
Wes- Hold on a sec....

Wes proceeds to start running some film

Stranger- What’s that noise?
Wes- A film projector.
Stranger- You’re watching a movie?
Wes- No, I’m editing one. I told you, I’m Wes Craven. I have to enhance some footage.
Stranger- Really, what?
Wes- Oh, just some scary scene.

Wes and the stranger's conversation moves to scary movies...

Stranger- Do you make scary movies?
Wes- I already told you I’m Wes Craven. What is your problem?
Stranger- Shut up, I’m trying to go by the script *we hear some pages flipping in the background* Um, what’s your favorite scary movie?
Wes- Well, I like “Shocker” and “Vampire in Brooklyn”
Stranger- Those bombs? You must be joking.
Wes- Hey, I still collect royalties every time someone rents those. I have to promote them.
Stranger- Sellout. You’re making me sick
Wes- Oh yeah, what’s your favorite?
Stranger- Guess.
Wes- Uhhh, A Nightmare on Elm Street?
Stranger- Hahahah, Yeah right. It ain’t one of yours.
Wes- I hope it’s not by John Carpenter.
Stranger- I thought he was one of your friends?
Wes- Well, I haven’t been talking to him since “Escape from LA”
Stranger- I see your point. Well, my favorite is “Bio-Dome.”
Wes- That isn’t a scary movie.
Stranger- You ever watch Pauly Shore act?
Wes- Now I see your point.

The conversation turns to sex....

Stranger- So, do you have a girlfriend?
Wes- Hey, I banged every chick in “Scream.” Plus Henry Winkler.
Stranger- That’s quite an accomplishment. How about Matthew Lillard?
Wes- I tried, but he just kept running around saying “I’ll be right back!”
Stranger- Talk about killing a catch phrase.
Wes- You’re telling me.

Now it turns sour...

Stranger- So, what are you wearing?
Wes- Why would you want to know that?
Stranger- Because it’s hard to tell from the bushes. Is that a sweater?
Wes- What did you say?
Stranger- It’s hard to tell. You really should wash your windows.
(Wes looks out the window)
Stranger- Hey, I can still see you. Hello?
Wes- *stutters* L-l-ook, I got-gotta go
Stranger- Wait, I thought we we're gonna go out?
Wes- When did I say that, you fucking perv?
*starts to hang up the phone while the Stranger's voice says*
Stranger- Damn this script.

Wes hangs it up
Phone rings again

Wes- Who could that be.....wait, oh shit.

This time the Stranger is a little more bold...

Wes- Yes??
Stranger- I told you not to hang up on me.
Wes- No you didn’t.
Stranger- Hey, don’t blame me, you aren’t following the script.
Wes- Screw you asshole.

Wes hangs up the phone...it rings again...this time The Stranger is pissed

Stranger- Listen, asshole
Wes- No, you listen you little bitch, if you hang up on me again I'll gut you like a fish, understand?!!!?! Hahaha....yeeeaaahh!
Stranger- Hey, HEY! *we hear pages flipping* Those are MY lines! Asshole!
Wes- What are you going to do? Kill me?
Stranger- You bet your copyright-infringing ass!
*Wes looks out the window, and presses some buttons on a device near his door*
Wes- Copyright-infringing?
Stranger- Yeah, ever read the Scream References? Every scene in that movie is taken from something else. Can’t you think-AH! *we hear The Stranger scream and some sizzling*
Wes- Hahahaha......OH Yeah.
Stranger- WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!
Wes- Electric intruder sensors. Latest Thing.
Stranger- The only potential victim with an anti-intruder system. What a bitch.

Wes starts crying....he’s laughing too hard. The doorbell rings once, then we more sizzling and someone outside screams.

Wes- Who's there? Oh, we got a live one here! HAHAHAHHAHAHAH
Stranger- Oh Jesus, my hand!
Wes- Look, I am having too much fun...so I think you'd better just leave or else...
Stranger- Or else what?!!?
Wes- Or else you’ll end up as fried chicken! AHAHAHHA
Stranger- Oh yeah, smart guy! Watch this!

All the lights in the house go out. The moon is full, so we can still see the scene.

Wes- Hey, how did you do that? You’re at my front porch.
Stranger- Oh come on. I got a second killer knocking out the power and a third one finding someone to tie up on your patio.
Wes- Boy, you just killed all the suspense from this.
Stranger- I did n-...........oh shit, I did. Damn it.
Wes- So you better just leave...
Stranger- I don’t think so. We have some surprises for ya.
Wes- Like what?

Wes gets a surprise....

Stranger- Turn on the patio light...again...(he turns it on to see...)
Wes- Hey, George Clooney! Where did you find him?
Stranger- Lives down the street. He was outside, walking his dog.
Wes- How did your third killer tie up George Clooney?
Stranger- Guess...
Wes- Um, fourth killer.
Stranger- You got it man!
Wes- Now this is getting ridiculous.
Stranger- Hey, it’s a scary movie. It’s supposed to be implausible.
Wes- Oh Boy, what next?
Stranger- I want to play a game. OR HE DIES RIGHT NOW!!!
Wes- *sarcastic* Oh no......please god, save George Clooney.
Stranger- Hey, you’re squeezing all the fun out of this.
George- *muffled voice* No Wes...NO NO NOOOOOOO WES!!!!!
Wes- Oh yeah. *Wes turns off the patio light*
Stranger- I didn’t even ask you to do that.
Wes- It was my pleasure.
Stranger- Allright, Allright. Time for the trivia game. It's an easy category...movie trivia.
Wes- Oh goody, Oh goody....what first?
Stranger- I'll even give you a warm up question...
Wes- Why?
Stranger- Shut up. I AM giving you a warm-up question.
Wes- Okay then. No need to get loud.
Stranger- Name the killer in “Vampire in Brooklyn”
Wes- Uh, Eddie Murphy.
Stranger- YES!!! Very good! The ONLY good thing about that movie. Hehe.
Wes- No!
Stranger- Yes he was, stop denying it.
Wes- Stop, please leave my bad career moves alone.
Stranger- Answer the question and I will...same category...
Wes- Okay, goody goody.
Stranger- Name the killer in “Batman and Robin”
Wes- Um, Mr. Freeze, Bane, and Poison Ivy.
Stranger- I'm sorry...that's the wrong answer...
Wes- No it's not...
Stranger- Afraid not...no way...
Wes- Look, they were the villains. They HAD to be the killers.
Stranger- Hey dummy. Joel Schumacher was the killer.
Wes- Why?
Stranger- Because he not only killed the movie, he killed the series.
Wes- On those terms, I would have guessed George Clooney.
Stranger- Yeah, you’re right on that point. I’ll do you a favor...
(Wes sees George, gutted like a fish)
Wes- Dr. Greene to the ER, Dr. Greene to the ER......hehehe
Stranger- Hahahaha....hey...we're not finished yet
Wes- Oh good, who’s next? Martin Short? Tim Curry?
Stranger- No, you, I’m afraid. Oh, and I got a question for you. If I cut the power, how did you turn on the patio light.
Wes- What???
Stranger- You turned the patio light on and off after I cut the power. How?
Wes- Same reason Sidney Prescott could dial 911 on her computer when her phone was off the hook......production error.
Stranger- Ah, ok. Well, there are 2 main doors to your house, a front door and a patio door....which door am I at?
Wes- You personally?
Stranger- Um, I guess.
Wes- Patio door?
Stranger- Very good!

A chair comes flying, and bounces off the patio door window

Stranger- OH FUCK!
Wes- Shatter-proof window.
Stranger-*yelling to someone off-screen* Carpenter, Schumacher, Curtis! Break down the front door!

Wes runs into the kitchen to get a knife
The front door falls down, and three guys in Ghostface costumes run in.

Wes goes out the patio door.

While Wes is outside, The original 3 Ghostfaces run into another Ghostface with a phone. They start yelling and pushing each other. Suddenly, the first three grab the one with the phone and throw him through the window Wes is looking through.

Wes ducks when Ghosface #4 comes flying through the window. Wes quickly jumps on him and rips off the mask and sees......

Wes- Eddie Murphy! But Why?
Eddie- I delayed making “The Nutty Professor” to do that shitty “Vampire in Brooklyn”! You delayed my comeback.
Wes- I’m going to delay more than that now

Wes stabs Eddie a few times and then gives him a few good whacks with the phone.

Wes- Oh, and that “Gumby Man” bit. Not funny.

Wes then picks up his phone, leaving the knife ((he has the same brain-damage as Casey Becker)) and starts running for his car. The other 3 Ghosfaces suddenly appear and start chasing him. Wes turns around, picks up a rock, and throws it at the nearest Ghostface. He gets hit in the head and does a backflip, knocking into the other two, who do a somersault and a triple axle.

Wes- Damn scene stealers. Freddy Krueger just needed to tell some jokes once in awhile.

Wes then gets into his car, and peels out of his driveway, running over Anthony Edwards, who came to look for his buddy George. Yes, they’re friends in real life!

The Ghosfaces take off their masks, and, yes, it’s John Carpenter, Joel Schumacher, and Jamie-Lee Curtis.

Carpenter- That didn’t go too well.
Schumacher- And Wes Craven killed Eddie Murphy.
Curtis- What? Where you going to cast him as the next Batman?
Schumacher- Oh, go do “House Arrest 2”
Curtis- Hey, that movie was good!
Schumacher- So was that dance scene in “True Lies”.
Carpenter- Gave me a boner.
Schumacher- I’m surprised you can get it up after “Escape From LA”
Curtis- *shoves the two guys* Hey, shut up! The fact remains, we have to stop Scream 2. It will be the biggest movie ever. We will become shit. Wes Craven must die.
Carpenter- Yeah, okay. Now, take off you top and I’ll cast you in “Halloween 7.”

THE END