TITLE: Surfacing
AUTHOR: Emma
EMAIL: XFDetour85@aol.com
ARCHIVE: Anywhere, with my permission.
CATEGORY: MSR
RATING: PG
SPOILERS:, Rain King, The Movie and slight for Tombs, Pusher, Detour,
Unnatural
SUMMARY: Scully's surfacing from denial.
FEEDBACK: Please!!! Please!! Don't make me beg!!
DISCLAIMER: Well folks, no surprise here! I don't own them, they
belong to CC, 1013 Productions and Fox . Just borrowing them for
a bit. I promise to return them unharmed and in full working order!
~~~~~~~X~~~~X~~~~X~~~~~~~
Surfacing
By Emma
I sit across the office from you, memorised as I watch you methodically
popping sunflower seeds, lost deep in my thoughts, thoughts of love,
need and longing. I don't know when it happened, or how it happened,
only that one day you were my best friend, the next thing I know, I
have fallen head over heels in love with you.
You must have felt my gaze on you, because you look up, flashing me
a brilliant smile, your deep hazel eyes swirling intensely. The
expression on my face must have puzzled you because you ask,
"Scully, everything ok?" I shake my head slightly from side to side,
ridding myself of these thoughts, forcing myself to concentrate,
before I answer with my standard, "I'm fine."
I could drown in your eyes and never again surface. They are
passionate and reveal your secrets. These thoughts almost make me
feel guilty, 'one must not fantasize about one's partner,' Bureau
rules. My immediate response to that is, 'Stuff it, how can we
control who we fall in love with?' I think it is Mulder's rebellious
streak rubbing off onto me.
I look down to reread my report, only to find that the last sentence
reads, 'I'm in love with Mulder.' God Kersch would have loved that
one! Deleting it rapidly, I look up at the clock, and see it is nearly
half five and suddenly I have to get out of the office. I feel like
I'm starting to drown in you, I have been striped of my walls of
defences and warning bells are ringing in my head, I'm trying
desperately to stay in control, but I'm falling. I'm addicted to
everything that is you, I need the challenge which you present to me,
as much as I need the air which I breathe and water I drink.
I shut my computer down and gather together my files. "Mulder, I'm
off." You look up at me, puzzled by my early departure, I'm usually
almost as much of a workaholic as you are. Concern is etched into
your face and before you open your mouth to ask if I'm all right, I
beat you to it. "Yes Mulder, I'm fine, really. I've just got a bit
of a headache." Well. It wasn't too much of a lie. Thinking, trying
to categorise and understand my emotions, well, that was stressful
enough to give anyone a headache. We exchange amused smiles,
acknowledging the special connection between us.
"Have a relaxing evening."
"I will, promise."
"I'll see you tomorrow."
"Bye Mulder." I say to you, a happy smile on my face. I love these
caring moments we share between us, the few times we really allow the
other to see into our souls. I treasure them, thrive off them, no
matter how small and insignificant they seem. They are all I need,
but more correctly, you are all I need. I smile tenderly again, then
leave, closing the door behind me, but only physically for my mind is
flooded with you.
As I drive home, a song on the radio causes tingling pricks of
adrenaline to flood through my veins and an uneasy restlessness to me
at the thought of you.
Open my eyes today,
And I knew there's something different,
Saw you in a brand new way,
Like the clouds has somehow lifted
And if yesterday I heard,
Myself saying these words,
I would swear it was a lie.
As I sit in the car, listening to these beautiful words, letting them
swirl through me, filling me, tears of happiness and realisation
threaten to spill.
I don't know why but suddenly I'm falling,
Was I so blind,
I was loving you all the time
Now I'm hopelessly addicted,
Helplessly attracted.
I don't think I have ever heard such a romantic song. It describes my
feelings perfectly. It feels like it was written for me, aimed at us,
sending me a hidden message within the purity of the words.
I make a wish this day,
And I'll send it to the heavens,
That we will always stay,
Entwined like this forever,
And though the world may change,
Coz nothing stays the same,
I know we will survive.
The resemblance to what I said to Sheila in Kroner the other month
was staggering. So yes, I was talking from experience when I told her
about how the person who was just a friend is suddenly the only
person you can see yourself with, an amazing experience, with an
amazing but complicated man, who I now realise I love more deeply and
truly than I ever thought possible.
I pull up outside my apartment, almost at a loss as to how I actually
got here. The journey here is a haze of thoughts and feelings. I open
the door and kick my shoes off and put my bag away. Tonight is when
I decide. Tonight is when I will reach out to you stronger than ever
before. I make myself some iced tea, must be something in my
subconscious thinking back to that conversation all those years ago.
I meant what I said that day, only now my commitment to you has been
multiplied by infinity. I put some soft music on and sink into my
couch, lost in thoughts of you, lost in my love for you.
I try to pinpoint the exact time I began to feel this way for you, but
I am incapable. Moments of magically intimacy or just simple
friendship flash through my mind. The time you held me in the hallway
when I told you of my cancer, after the incident with Modell when you
nearly shot me, the time I held you in the woods after you had been
attacked by that mothman, the time you gave me 'a very early or very
late birthday present' and taught me to play baseball. All intense
times of love and friendship, supported by our eternal bond which,
although at times fragile, always becomes stronger and carved even
deeper into stone, for what doesn't destroy us, makes us stronger.
Then of course there is the one time, in a certain hallway which
springs to mind, when you spilled you heart out to me. It was the
first time you bought tears of happiness to my eyes. If only that
damned bee.......no! I'm not going there tonight, been over that one a
million times in my head, every other possible outcome, and now I long
for the right one. I want the opportunity now to share not just my
friendship with you, but my heart, my soul.
I think you misinterpreted my leaving of the bureau. You thought I
was leaving you, when my motives where totally the opposite. I can't
leave you. I am bound to your side, stronger the any wife. Every
part of me is yours for the taking. I am incapable of functioning
without you, I can't breathe without you, I can't sleep. No matter
what you think about me being the strong one, I am lost without you.
How could I ever leave you?
You tell me that I make you a whole person, that I complete you, yet
you don't seem to understand that it goes both ways. Maybe that is
my fault but I am determined that soon, soon you will know. I remember
a song saying that everybody searches for the one person that makes
them complete, and that it can be found in the strangest places and
where you never knew it could be. And I found it in the most
unpredictable place. I found it in you.
Words are inadequate when it comes to my feelings for you. I can't
explain it, I know it is crazy, but it's happening. I am drowning,
falling deeper into the deepest depths of you. I never felt this way
before, I am lost in these emotions. I have caught myself dreaming
of your touch, smiling alone, thinking of your voice and I know I
have no choice.
At first, I built walls, invisible barriers, which mustn't be crossed.
I hid my heart, my emotions from you, but you found them with every
touch, every smile, every guiding hand in the small of my back. I
moved closer and closer to you each day. The way I now want you is
so intense it makes me tremble with excitement, trepidation and fear.
Not fear of you, never that, just fear of the strength of my feelings,
because I would do anything for you and I fear losing you. How
could I live without you, when you are the stars above my head and
the ground beneath my feet? I will no longer hide from my fears, I
will face them, I will face the truth.
So yes, I am jealous of Diana, I don't know why, its illogical. You
and her, it was a long time ago, you've changed, grown older, wiser,
less trusting, less innocent, but still I can't help but think that
she knows you in a way I don't. I want to know all of you, I want
your heart, I want you soul. I want to wake up beside you every
morning, I want to feel your hands on my body, your lips on mine. I'm
greedy, I want everything.
There is a knock on my door, breaking me from my reverie and I know
it is you. I can always sense when you are close. My heart beats
faster as I approach and open the door., surprising you with my cheerful
greeting. You were obviously still worried about my early departure
from work.
"Hey Mulder," I smile and open the door wide as I open my heart to you.
"Hey, how are you feeling?" My health always one of your primary
concerns.
"I'm fine," your face falls slightly, my answer so expected it is
automatic even though I know it hurts you, "Seriously Mulder, for once
I'm not just using it as a way out from my feelings." You raise an
eyebrow at that one, something I'm sure you learnt from me. I chuckle
lightly at the expression on your face. "Sit down, and I'll get us a
drink."
I dig about in the kitchen, knowing tonight, is now or never.
Our relationship has evolved so much these past months, more so
maybe than in the whole of the past five years. I have come to accept
now that true love may only come once in a life and I believe that we
do not have the right to try to fight it or question it, not when we
are destined for each other.
I return to the living room, clinking two glasses and a bottle of red
wine. I pour you out a glass and silently pass it to you, my face
alight with a rare smile brought on by my decision. We sit in
companionable silence for a few minutes, just simply gazing into the
depths of each other eyes. Your eyes shine out like beacons of love
and I realise why it would take an eternity to break our bond: you are
my soul mate. I don't know why I haven't realised before. I have
always been aware of the changes you cause in me and the fusing of our
souls, controlled by some great power, stronger than anything you or
me could even start to comprehend, but only now do I realise the
significance of it.
"Why did you come here tonight Mulder?" I ask, my tone soft,
encouraging the truth to be told. I can see from you expression that
you recognise some change within me. You could always read me like a
child's book.
"To see if you where all right."
"Its more than that though isn't it?"
You raise your head sharply and your eyes burrow into my soul. "Isn't
it always more than that with us?" Your voice is soft, barely above a
whisper and of course you are right, nothing is ever as simple as
just checking that the other is all right when it comes to us, I
don't know how it could be with the depths of never spoken feelings
which surround us.
My hand gently reaches across to yours, squeezing lightly, letting you
see my faith I have in you. I know you are finding this as difficult
as I am. You have sensed the change about to happen between us.
"Laugh if you want....."
"Mulder I would never laugh at you........at least not with matters so
personal." I chuckle in an attempt to lighten the mood and to inspire
confidence.
"I know Scully, but I came here tonight because I could feel you needed
me, that you were thinking about me." You whisper almost shyly. The
strength of our bond is starting to become scary.
"You're saying that you came here tonight because you felt I wanted
you to?" My voice wasn't full of its normal scepticism and I think
that surprises you, it is tender and full of love.
"I don't know how else to explain it, but its like you were calling
for me telepathically. Call it crazy but......"
"Its the truth." I state matter of factly. You cock your head to one
side slightly, questioningly. I reach for the bottle of wine, needing
time to think of how to tell you. "How long have you been feeling
this?" I'm starting to sound like a psychiatrist!
"Increasingly over the past six months, ever since our trip to
Antarctica but its climaxed over these last few days. As we have
grown closer, the feeling, the bond has just gone from strength
to strength."
"Oh Mulder, you always were the receptive one in the partnership." I
smile weakly at you.
"So am I just insane or simply in tune with you?"
"No more insane than usual." I smile teasingly, but my expression
soon becomes serious again. Closing my eyes and drawing a deep
breathe, I pluck up the courage to tell you. Starring deep into your
gorgeous swirling hazel eyes, the gateway to your soul, I open my
heart to you.
"Mulder, I love you. It feels like I always have. I guess I've just
never realised how much until a certain time in a certain hallway
when you told me how much you needed me." I pause as your hand finds
its way into mine. I'm grateful that for once you don't interrupt,
I need to do this my way, in my own time. "I've noticed how we have
grown closer these past months and your right, it did climax today.
I didn't leave early tonight because I had a headache. I left because
I needed time to think. I was on emotional overload." I smile
lovingly towards you. "So I probably was sending you telepathic
signals. God knows I've been thinking about you enough."
Emotions flicker across your face as I say these words, love, care,
happiness and other I am yet to define. Your eyes are smiling in a
way I've never seen before. Your face reflects a happiness never
known before, given to you by my confession. I'm sure my face is
echoing what is reflected by yours. I have never known this kind of
happiness since my days as a young innocent child and I feel that I
deserve this happiness, for everything that They have taken from me,
from us, they could never take this away.
I feel like I'm walking through the clouds when you look at me the
way you are. I'm trembling inside in anticipation of your reply.
You reach across to me, pulling me closer to you. Your hand caresses
my cheek, your face raw with emotions. Your thumb traces the outline
of my lips and I kiss it tenderly, never breaking eye contact with you.
Then you slowly lean into me, almost teasingly slow. My fingers
tenderly trace your jawline, as your lips brush against mine. It is
almost a chaste kiss, but it sparks with electricity and I immediately
crave more. You pull back momentarily, reading my eyes. I don't
give you any choice in your next actions, as my hand pulls you back
to my lips. I feel like I'm diving out of control, as you slip your
tongue into my mouth, tasting and exploring. There is nothing
demanding or urgent about the kiss, it is simple and pure, and, as
with everything in our partnership, it is about equals, giving and
taking for the pleasure of the other.
It is then that I hear it, your voice in my head, stating, clear
as a bell, " I love you Scully." I am not frightened by it, nor
surprised that this added connection would come when I dropped my
walls and opened my mind, only amazed. I break from the kiss and
gaze into your eyes, searching your soul for the truth.
"You heard it didn't you?" he questions, already knowing the answer
by the smile on my face. I rest my cheek against your shoulder as
you lovingly run your fingers through my hair and pull me to you
tight.
"Oh Mulder I love you," I say, tears pricking at the corners of my eyes
from the strength of my emotions.
" I know, how could I not know? Why else would you stick by me all
these year?" Your tone is light, but reflects deeply your feelings
towards me.
"Because I crave your detailed insanity. Because I am insane?" We
laugh lightly together. I reach over, caressing your cheek, as I lean
into you and kiss you passionately again. I'm already addicted to
this kiss. I've fallen, head over heels and I know I can't live
without you. I trust you with my heart now, all the barriers are
down, eroded away and laying in ruins at me feet. I feel safe
and warm in your embrace, guarded from the world, shielded by your
love, because I know you would never let anything happen to me. And
if it did, you would hunt that person down to their death. You are
fierce in your protectiveness of me, but only because of our shared
fear of having to finish this quest, this life alone.
I need to take this slowly, I want to take this slowly, to savour
every glorious moment of our love, and to treasure every new aspect I
learn about you. I am amazed when I think how well I know you in some
respects, yet I don't know what your favourite colour is, your
favourite meal, and I want to learn all this. And as I explain this
to you, I can see you understand, your eyes are soft and tender.
"Blue and Chinese," you say, a slight chuckle to your voice, "I
promise we will learn everything. I want to learn everything."
"Mulder?" You answer me with an intense gaze, boring into my soul.
"Will you just hold me tonight?"
Your answer is to stand up and take my hand, a smile brightly and lead
the way to my bedroom, as we walk hand in hand, they way we always
will from now on. After changing, we settle, spooned together so
naturally a casual observer would think we had been lovers for years.
And in way, I believe we having been, just not in a physical way. We
having been in love with each other for years, we've been mentally
intimate but only now will we step over that line. It is scary in its
naturalness, but I feel like I've come home. I no longer feel I am
missing a part of me, I know I will never be lonely again. I am whole
and complete in your embrace.
You gently run your hand through my hair, soothingly and I can feel
the strong beat of your heart under my heart. And for once, I'm happy,
I'm satisfied. I can die knowing we both know the truth, knowing we
will wait for each other, that we are always destined to be together.
Forever is no longer scary when you are holding me in your arms. And
as I slip of into a dreamy sleep, I know we have surfaced from six
years of denial, waded through emotional truths and crumbled walls,
only to drown again in the love we share, never to resurface and
breathe again.
~~~~~~~X~~~~X~~~~X~~~~~~~
Did I mention that I crave feedback??? Hint hint hint!!!!! All feedback
will be treasures and framed at the following address:
XFDetour85@aol.com.
The song near the beginning is, 'Hopelessly Addicted' by The Corrs,
and is used without permission, no infringement intended, but I felt
it fit so well with what Scully said in Rain King, how could I not
include it?
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