Since the only thing Voyager's producers seem willing to let Janeway get excited
about is java, Laura and I figured we should give the poor captain what she wants
and never seems to get on the series.

COFFEE TALK
by Laura Williams and Em Wycedee

"That was the best coffee I ever had, Chakotay."

"You're just saying that."

"No, really. The coffee I've had with other men seems meaningless now."

"I've done this with hundr-- uh, many other people, but it was just drinking.
With you, I feel like I've had coffee, really had coffee, for the first time."

"I know exactly what you mean. It was never like this before. Mark used to
serve me coffee in bed. Sometimes it took hours. I used to like to make him beg
me for some in return."

"Did you?"

"Really, I pretended I was enjoying myself much more than I was. Too much
routine can make coffee breaks a little unexciting. "

"That's for sure. I've had very good coffee in places where I knew I shouldn't
even be thinking about it. "

"So much depends on individual quirks, too."

"B'Elanna likes to use her teeth when she has coffee."

"Her teeth?"

"Yes. She likes to chew chocolate-covered espresso beans."

"Sounds like a poor substitute for the real thing."

"Well, when you're in the Maquis you learn to take your coffee however you can
get it."

"That must have been difficult for you."

"It was. Sometimes a quick cup of instant in a Jeffries tube was all you could
manage, but you had to learn to be satisfied with that.

"Did you ever have coffee with B'Elanna?"

"No. I think the invitation was always there, but it would have been too
weird. I think of her as my little sister. That wouldn't make for a very
satisfying experience."

"Vaguely incestuous."

"Yes."

"So how do you know she likes to chew espresso beans?"

"She, uh, suggested them to me once. She said she could see how tense I was
after that mess with Seska, so she suggested I go back to my quarters by myself
and get a handful of my own. "

"Did it help?"

"A little. The last time Seska tried to get me to have coffee with her, she
wanted it scalding hot and added something very bitter to the mix. All I could
think about the whole time was how eager you'd been to explore that nebula so the
whole crew could have coffee... "

"I learned an important lesson that day about not making coffee such a priority
that it could make me forget my other responsibilities. And I've always felt that
I couldn't have coffee with subordinates if I wanted to maintain professionalism
with the crew. "

"Seventy years is a long time to have it all by yourself. It's not something I'm
sure I could accept. Kathryn...there's something I've been meaning to confess..."

"Oh, Chakotay, don't tell me. You had coffee with Riley Frasier."

"You knew?"

"Of course I knew. I could smell it on your breath the minute you came back on
board. Seriously, you came back with a guilty look on your face that went much
deeper than being betrayed by her. I knew you'd had coffee with another woman.
It's all right, I forgave you a long time ago."

"Then you won't mind if I ask you something...?"

"What is it?"

"On that shuttlecraft, while Paris was morphing you at Warp 10. I know you said
you don't remember a thing. Just please, tell me, whether you had coffee with him
before the transformation was complete..."

"Absolutely not. I would never have coffee with Tom Paris in anything like my
right mind. I'm surprised at you, Chakotay."

"I'm sorry. It's just been so hard...Kathryn, sometimes I wonder whether you
have coffee with Leonardo Da Vinci on the holodeck."

"Leonardo doesn't drink coffee with women. I'll tell you the truth, Chakotay,
I've had coffee on the holodeck a few times, but holographic fluids with
holographic companions aren't very satisfying."

"Did you ever have coffee with anyone who served under you?"

"I did with Tuvok once, a long time ago in an emergency. But it wasn't my cup
of tea. Vulcans like it fast and flavorless, and Vulcan coffee is quite thick. A
little hard to swallow."

"I think I'm jealous."

"Don't be. Vulcans only crave it once every seven years, and then they become a
bit indiscriminate about who they'll drink with."

"Have you ever had coffee with someone and really hated it?"

"Once. It tasted so bad my eyes started to water. I spit it out."

"Ouch."

"Not exactly the polite thing to do, but I thought I'd gag if I tried to
swallow it."

"I heard Kes broke up with Neelix because of the coffee."

"Really? I'd have thought Kes wasn't that shallow. Though I remember that
lumpy, viscous better-than-coffee substitute he offered me once...ugh."

"Neelix likes it frothy with a lot of spice. But I hear Kes wanted it straight-
up, and dark. It surprised me that someone as young as Kes knew so much about
coffee."

"I don't think Seven has ever tried it. Though Harry seems interested in
introducing her to the joy of java. Maybe one of us should have a little talk
with him about remembering that even though she looks like a woman, in some ways,
she's a child."

"No experience with caffeine."

"Precisely. Too much at once could be traumatic to her system. She's still not
used to human physiology. I'd hate to see her get hurt."

"B'Elanna told me she and Tom are having problems because she likes coffee
after dinner, but Tom could drink it all day long... "

"I think far too much emphasis is placed on coffee in a relationship."

"Oh, I agree completely. But when the coffee is really good, it can make up for
a lot of things."

"Actually, I have a confession to make. Sometimes I don't enjoy the coffee as
much as I enjoy the process that leads to the coffee."

"Oh really?"

"Oh yes. I like to have my beans handpicked, for one thing. And then roasted
carefully, ground gently, and brewed very, very slowly. Makes for a much more
satisfying cup of coffee, when you get to it. You appreciate it more."

"You're right, of course. Though it's been a long time since either of us has
had the luxury of indulging in that process."

"Have you ever tried coffee with synthehol?"

"Of course. I once had it with peach schnapps--the flavors didn't quite go
together, but I was having such a good time that it didn't really matter."

"When was this?"

"At the Academy. With a professor. "

"Really."

"You have to understand that my parents were always very serious about coffee--
they taught me all about its historical and spiritual significance, but neglected
to mention that among most human cultures, coffee is often just for pleasure."

"My parents never talked to me about coffee at all. The first time I had it was
with my high school boyfriend, Cheb. His coffee was just about his only redeeming
quality. "

"What was it like?"

"Creamy, not too thick, a little sweet. Though it left a bad taste in my mouth
- usually after we had coffee, we'd get into an argument. He was always trying to
get me to try more exotic kinds, or have coffee with him in a cornfield or
something. "

"Did you have coffee with your fiance?"

"Justin? He was very earnest. I remember once we were having coffee together
and my dog burst in and started licking our faces - he got so upset! "

"Sounds like he was a little fastidious."

"He was a romantic. He wanted only the best for me. Though now I suspect that
he might have been a little too much of a perfectionist about coffee - sharing
hot, creamy cappucino is wonderful, but there's nothing wrong with wanting a
quick coarse-ground cup every once in awhile. How old were you the first time you
had coffee?"

"Too young. I ended up spilling most of it all over my pants. I should have
waited to do it with someone the experience would have meant something to."

"Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if we had coffee together on
New Earth. Maybe we were being too careful."

"Or maybe we were conserving something we knew would be precious later on. "

"I almost asked you if you wanted to have coffee after the champagne the night
we went sailing on Lake George."

"I think I would have preferred the coffee *with* the champagne, actually."

"I wasn't sure I was up to it. My chest still hurt from being resuscitated, and
I was feeling a little vulnerable."

"Coffee always makes me feel vulnerable. But it's worth it, even if I'm
uncomfortable the next morning because I didn't get enough sleep."

"I didn't want instant coffee with you. I wanted a full-bodied experience, with
time to savor the aroma. You know what it's like when it's the real thing, that
moment when the coffee first crosses your tongue, hot and bitter, and jolts your
tastes awake..."

"The caffeine hits your system a second later..."

"This warmth, this feeling of rightness. Do you know how many chemical
processes take place to produce this reaction? How many different neural
receptors are involved? Do you have any idea how incredibly complex that reaction
is?"

"I must say, I didn't think about it until I started noticing what you're like
at 'that time of the month.'"

"Just what do you mean by that?"

"When you're out of rations and have days to go before the next month's
round. We go through this every cycle, Kathryn - you burn up all your rations
going to the pot at the beginning of the month, then you're grouchy as an old
bear until the next round comes up. Your moods, your headaches, your caffeine
withdrawal are obvious. "

"What do you suggest I do about it? Don't even mention coffee substitutes. The
last one Neelix gave me was a 'special blend' composed primarily of seaweed and
leola root extract. Tasted like battery acid. Never mind that it was bright
green. "

"Then maybe you should turn yourself on to a slightly less addictive blend."

"Are you suggesting...decaf? I can't do it, Chakotay. It's just not me. Not
that it's anything to be ashamed of, but decaf always seemed to me to be about
getting a quick fix, without any passion. "

"No, you misunderstand me. I'm suggesting that, instead of trying to hold off
and not indulge with officers of lower rank, maybe you should try having coffee
regularly with someone you trust, so you're not tempted to binge in private and
then feel guilty."

"Someone like...yourself, I suppose."

"You did sound like you thought coffee with me was an experience worth
repeating."

"It was. But if we do this regularly, do you think we can balance it with our
other committments? Will we get the crew evaluations done if we keep stopping to
have coffee? And can we trust ourselves to be impartial?"

"Don't you think that abstaining from coffee could be just as detrimental in
the long run as indulging in occasional serious drinking with a willing partner
who'd do anything for you? Kathryn, the whole crew has noticed how badly you need
coffee. I think they trust us."

"All right, Chakotay. We're too hooked to back off now. But when we're on duty,
we need to maintain our professionalism."

"No mocha in the ready room. I understand. But when we're off-duty, I'll boil
your water, and steam your milk."

"What would you say if I told you I sometimes like whipped cream on top, and I
like to lick it off?"

"I'd say, gimme some sugar."