TITLE: Marathon
AUTHOR: Susanne Barringer
EMAIL: sbarringer@usa.net
ARCHIVE: Anywhere okay with all headers attached.
CATEGORY: VA
KEYWORDS: Mulder/Scully UST, post-ep
RATING: PG
SPOILERS: Through Millennium
SUMMARY: Post-kiss fic for Millennium. "Of all the thirty-six
alternatives, running away is best." -- Chinese Proverb
DISCLAIMER: Characters and scenarios borrowed from 1013,
Fox, Chris Carter. No infringement intended.
THANKS to Sue for endless patience, but slapping me around
when I need it.
________
Marathon
by Susanne Barringer
I am running. Away from you, from what I feel, from what we are.
I do not plan to stop.
Two years ago, maybe even one, I would not have run. Back then,
my love for you had grown uncontrollably, my passion for you was
at its peak, my feelings simple and unadorned. I would have stood
and faced you, faced myself, put my arms around you and loved
you. I remember only vaguely our confrontation in your hallway,
before a bee turned it inside out. My ordeal has left the memory a
hazy dream, but the one thing I remember with certainty is that I
did not plan to run. That night, I would not have run from you.
Now, my love has deepened more than I thought possible,
grounding every breath I take. The desperate edges of passion
have dulled with time into a chronic ache, difficult to distinguish
from all the pain of my life, from the losses which have kept me
distant from myself. The feelings are painful and complex, never
sure, easier to lock up in mental cages than let free to roam. My
needs are different than they were when I could consider standing
before you and letting you penetrate me.
Since your return from madness, I have had to run faster to
outdistance you. I feel you behind me, gaining ground, propelling
me forward. Just a few weeks ago, we stood in your hallway again,
and you told me a tie goes to the runner. I was so relieved that you
were alive that I could barely stand there and look at you, your
presence a reminder of what I almost lost. Your eyes were wide
open, your love worn like a banner. The words were honest truth
on my part, and your words an honest brush against my soul.
I saw what was in your eyes after the words were said. I kissed
you to stop it, pulling you down to lay my love on your forehead as
if you were a child. I touched you, loved you, then walked away.
Last night, I watched the new millennium enter with festive fanfare
on television--and nothing but silence between us. I thought how in
another time I would have stepped over to kiss you, used this once-
in-a-lifetime moment for my lifetime.
You caught me off guard. I turned to see what you were about to
say and you were there, your lips across mine in a remarkable
instant. I froze, immediately contemplating my escape. Just a New
Year's kiss, but I saw in your eyes that I was lying to myself. Then
there was that goofy grin and I knew that I had been caught, that
you would do it again if I did not look away. We walked together
from the hospital, but I had already stepped away from you. I
looked away, stepped away, then stayed away.
I keep on running.
It is too late for me to consider staying. I am too deep, so deep
there is nothing to do but drown. My drive lies elsewhere. My one
uncontrollable, all-consuming need is to keep you alive. I feel that
now more than anything else, more than I need you. Too many
recent near-misses have diverted my direction, leaving fear in the
holes in my heart and images of you splayed out before evil, waiting
for me to help you. I cannot love you and save you all at once.
So I run. I have a dozen reasons why, although maybe none that
you can understand. I will keep running until my legs give out, my
heart gives in, my body and soul deny me.
Let me run until I stumble, dropping spent and bruised onto the
pavement. Let me run until the need to run is exhausted and my
passion sprouts jagged and sharp once again, so distinct from pain
that it defines me, then gives me the strength to pick myself up.
Let me run until I fall. When I rise to stand and face you, it will be
forever.
END
_______
Go ahead: sbarringer@usa.net
http://www.oocities.com/Area51/Dreamworld/2442
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