TITLE: Reprise (1/1)
AUTHOR: Susanne Barringer
EMAIL: sbarringer@usa.net
ARCHIVE: Anywhere okay with these headers attached.
CATEGORY: VA
KEYWORDS: Mulder/Scully UST
RATING: PG
SPOILERS: up to Brand X
SUMMARY: Missing scene from Brand X. Scully must have
noticed the irony of sitting vigil once again in such a short period
of time.
DISCLAIMER: Just borrowing from CC, 1013 and Fox. No
infringement intended.
THANKS to Suzanne for betaing and for showing more patience
with this story than is usually required.
~~~~~~~~~
Reprise
by Susanne Barringer
I watch Mulder breathe. He is asleep and still, like the night. I
have no idea what time it is--too late or too early, judging by the
absence of people and movement in the corridors. I have been here
for hours, or is it days, watching Mulder breathe.
It is exhausting to be helpless. Mulder is dying and there doesn't
seem to be anything I can do. The larvae remain in his lungs,
hatching probably right now, coming to life and existence as
Mulder sleeps and tries to fight. His breathing has become more
labored in just the last hour, each intake sounding harsh and noisy,
not like it should. He is struggling and I am dying, as each breath
takes a little more out of him.
Just a couple of weeks ago, I sat this same way at Daniel's bedside,
watching him breathe, watching his heart slow and weaken. I
thought then that I could not survive such a suddenly profound
loss, that I had been meant to find again what I had given up so
long ago. I was wrong. The horror comes in losing what is--not
what was. The past dies all the time, but lately I've come to realize
my present is meant to become my future.
This isn't how it was supposed to be. This is not the moment to
which all my choices have led. It can't be. Not when I finally
understand what I have chosen--this need, this love, this pain.
As I sat by Daniel, watching the beat of his life fall toward its
collapse, I felt an entire lifetime slipping away from me, all the
memories of my life years ago before I became who I am. There
was pain in my heart and an ever-present feeling of nausea as I
contemplated the sheer serendipity of how I had come to that
moment of watching him take his last breaths.
With Mulder the pain is near excruciating. It is not the ache or the
nausea of watching Daniel die, but rather a stunning shooting pain
and a hollow feeling in the belly that I fear might never leave me
again. Even if he recovers, will I ever recover from the emptiness I
feel now?
With Daniel there was guilt. Though I couldn't have pinpointed
exactly its source, I knew generally the many directions from
which it came. Guilt for what I thought was my contribution to the
destruction of his family, guilt for not loving him enough, guilt for
having insisted on shutting him out.
With Mulder, the heaviness of guilt is outweighed by the
overwhelming sense of loss that I feel already. Guilt is simply the
side effect of helplessness. I can only watch his breathing become
more labored, his voice become more silent, and hope that the
answers come in time. For Daniel, the answer came in a flash of
something I can't explain. For Mulder, the cure is held in the body
of a man engineered by an inhuman corporation. The answer is in
my science, yet I am too far away to reach it in time.
Daniel brought conflict into my life, even as he was dying. The
emotional upheaval of his reappearance in my life was matched
only by the upheaval of having become part of his life in the first
place. His confessions to me after so many years magnified the
load I felt obligated to carry, his self-absorption not allowing him
to see what he was doing to me.
Mulder brings no conflict, simply trust in my attempts to save him
and the realization that I have done all I can. He remained
unselfish, joking about his situation to make it easier on me,
sparing me as much of the burden as he could. I am fully aware of
how he sacrifices for me.
I wept and mourned for Daniel's near death from a heart shattered
due to misuse and loving wrongly, an organ overworked yet
underutilized. His heart was a damaged machine in a functioning
body, broken in ways beyond the literal.
Now I face Mulder with steely strength, no tears, no mourning.
Not this time. There is one thing I am sure of. I will tell him I love
him before he goes. Mulder will not be the one to die with a
broken heart.
He stirs suddenly, and I lean forward anxiously to make sure he's
breathing. His heart labors to keep up with the lack of oxygen,
and, no matter what I feel or say, I cannot mend that.
I close my eyes and anticipate clearly the events to come, the same
events of my vigil with Daniel. This moment of my life winds its
way toward the inevitable reprise--the screaming beep of monitors,
my hands on his heart, frenzied rush of people, code blue in my
ears and eyes, panic denial guilt terror love loss.
I breathe deeply, wishing I could do it for Mulder, and pray for one
more reprieve.
~~~~~~~
END
I’ve been in a writing slump recently. This is my short attempt to
get back in the spirit. sbarringer@usa.net
All my fanfic housed at http://www.oocities.com/s_barringer
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geocities.com/area51/dreamworld) (
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