The Future
"Right now, all I want to do is get on with my life. I want to try and get pregnant again. I don't want to wait, I want it now. But on the other hand...
I'm terrified. I'm afraid I'll be sick again, I'm afraid I'll have problems, I'm afraid I'll lose another child. I don't want to feel this way ever again. But my desire to be happy again, my love of children is stronger than the terror.
Months later these feelings have faded a bit. At one point while I was crying I turned to Jon and I said, "If this happens again, if we loose another one, will you want to try again?"
Jon answered "We will try until we have a baby, even if we loose another one." This made me feel even braver. I've started to feel like this time HAS to be diffrent., That there is no way this can happen again.
Unfortuantly I'm not that naive, and I KNOW it can happen again. But I prefer not to think about that. Positive thinking is the way to go. The outcome may not be what you want, but you're happier getting there.
Jon and I will try again. I just hope it all works out."
Wow, strong emotions. And they are still strong. You know something cuts deep when reading your own webpage causes you to sob.
Jon and I are in the process of trying again, and if we have the good fortune to be blessed we will undoubtedly let you all know.
For right now we are focusing on right now. We have been taking a meditation class which for me has greatly increased my ability to not worry about things that have not happened. For example: I am not afraid I will lose another baby right now because I don't have another baby right now to lose. Get it? Right now we are enjoying the trying process and trying not to get too disapointed with our non-conceptions. After all it just means we get the fun of trying again, right?
Wish us luck, pray if you got 'em, and remember:
"If you ain't where you are, you're no place!"
-------------------------Col. Potter, M*A*S*H
