Let's be totally honest here ....Dating is a hassle and a half!!!
When one goes on a date, they expect a degree of "dishonesty" ... wether they be in high school or college or in their 30's. But *this* form of dishonesty is permissible because we are talking about the nervous giggle, the slight change in dressing habits or style, a feigned interest in the already stilted conversation, etc. You know... the expected routine of the first few dates with someone.
What is also expected is that after a while for the individuals involved to become more relaxed and "themselves" around each other. If the girl likes to wear sweatshirt and jeans all the time, then she won't wear miniskirts and heels everyday. If the guy curses like a sailor hanging out at a truck stop, then this too will become revealed. If the woman you thought ate like a rabbit really eats like a horse, your billfold will soon find this out too. And the list can go on ... as we become more and more comfortable with another person, then we become more relaxed in revealing our true selves to that person.
It is this goal that we really actually strive for while dating ... a comfortability, an acceptance, and emotional attachment to another person. To be able to love and be loved. To achieve this, we put ourselves thru the dating ritual striving to find our soul mate ... a seemingly perfect partner.
Only thing is .... *is* there truly a perfect partner out there for us???
Some "compromise" ... these are the ones who satisfy themselves with sexual prowl ness or whatever trait they find to be a positive one the partner has, and endures the 20 million other things that grates at their nerves about this person (or vice - versa). Or they think that their looks are too cute to separate, wanting to be the "good - looking couple".
Some get "artistic" ... these are the ones that want to act like they can "sculpt" the perfect partner. If the guy has always thought blue-eyed average built brunettes were a turn-on but liked some of the qualities the slenderly built blonde haired green eyed woman has ... don't be too surprised to hear him either hint to her about trying miss clairol and be told that she would just a tad bit better if she put on about 5 pounds more *if* she hasn't done it already and even got colored contact lenses too boot. These folks can be close compared to the "compromisers" except they are more prone *hint* about changes to the point of making hair stylist appointments as a "surprise".
Some "settle" ... "S/He's got booku bucks and has a great job that pays well. Looks department ain't too bad, the wit department is slightly lacking, and s/he is about as spontaneous as a dead mouse caught in a trap... but s/he's loaded though too!" These are the ones who settle for a bank balance rather than a personality as what is important .. anything else on top of this is just bonus points in their mind.
Some "compete" ... these are the ones who try to snare the other person into feeling something but once the person gives in and states the feelings, they are dropped like a hot potato as the "chase" no longer exists. These folks talk a good game and flirt a good one too, they know what to say and what buttons to push ... and they like to think they unwittingly hurt the other person - when they *knew* the silent rules to their own game.. These folks generally use two great exit lines ..." I don't think we should see each other anymore (no real reason ever given)...." is the most common. Unfortunately, a few like to go for the Achilles Heel in the other person and insults the other person's looks/family/weight/career/etc. as the reason things would never ever ever work out. What the other person doesn't figure out for a long time is that "the competor" was just stringing them along to begin with, just for thrills and to be able to brag about it to themself.
Some "get explicit" ... these are the ones that have *their requirements* for a mate carved into stone - and that's final! *They* don't have to change...*They* don't need to broaden their interests...*They* don't need to do a darn thing anymore, cause *they* changed all they are gonna and *the other person* is just gonna have to fill the blank in *their* life. So there! *humph* These are the folks who generally don't find a person willing to try to "fill in the blank" for very long as 1. *the other person* gets bored being shut out, limited to filling in the blank but that's all ... 2. *the other person* wants to explore more, to continue "growing", tiring of trying to break thru their mate's wall of insecurity ... and 3. *the other person* can't meet the hidden demands of the "clauses written in fine print on the stone." But if the "explicit person" is "dumped"...they will not think it is *their* fault, but will also add another layer of bricks to *their* insecurity wall ... making it all that much harder for the next person who comes along.
Some "whine" ... these are the ones who lay out a story so thick in self pity in hopes that someone somewhere will do all the work in helping "cure" them. This isn't a 50/50 setup from the word go ... one person sits about waiting to be cured, you have to go to them cause they ain't too sure if you are busy or not...you have to call them cause they don't want to disturb you .... you have to go to their place cause they don't feel comfortable playing your stereo (or whatever) .... they won't show up on your doorstep impromptu-style cause that ain't their style (generally worded "I wasn't brought up to just stop by folks houses with little or no notice") ...if you want to meet them for coffee, be prepared to pick up the check for the two of you .. and the list goes on. In case you haven't noticed, this person ain't really waiting to be cured -- they are just waiting on someone to do all the work. To me, the commitment and emotional value of the "whiner" saying "I love you.." would be about the same as the "effort" put forth by them.
Some "hope" ... actually, they sit around and make excuses all the time for their partner. "S/He really doesn't mean to hit me, it's just stress ....""S/He really meant to pay the utility bills but..."S/He really wants to give up drugs as soon as...." S/He really didn't mean to sleep with that other person, we were having probs and so...." I think you get the drift. These folks actually think that if they tell the other person "I love you" that all will be well in the Kingdom ... that those three words are a magic cure-all. The "hopers" forget that the words are nice to hear but not yet available in prescription format -- in other words, they aren't a cure-all nor magical.
Some "parent" ... these are the ones that takes their mates "under their wing". They nurture and try to "raise (their mate) in the right way" or to "help mend them". They take on the "down in luck cases", the "really hurt by past date mates", the "victims of a bad childhood", etc. In essence, they are taking on the role of being parent or nursemaid in a way.
Some "storytell" ... tell you what you want to hear, tell you things to make you feel like you *might* be the one for them, that you are the "Cinderella" to their "Prince Charming", etc. Then suddenly ... you start to feel close to this person, yet marvel at how you can do so when you "know them" yet don't "know them". The "storyteller" usually has spun their "web" to more than one, sometimes even going so far as to introduce you to "a friend" they have only later to find out that this "friend" of his has also been listening to a story as well only different female leading character. They aren't the same category as the "competitor" though -- they aren't doing this to rack up "points" or "notches" but more so to boost their self-esteem and in an odd way they want to boost your self-esteem as well. Still hurts though when the truth comes out in the end ....
Some "accessorize" ... I call these the Barbie and/or Ken dolls tm
Some "auctioneer" ... sell themselves off to the highest "bidder", wanting so desperately to be a part of a "couple" that they will forfeit happiness for "happiness".
In our search for a soul mate, we put ourselves into a process of having to go thru bad experiences to evolve to the point where we *actually* meet the person we can honestly and openly admit love for. I am not saying that we don't fall in love more than once though. It is a process I said ... and processes are steps towards to the final product. It is how we choose to learn from these steps we go thru on how the final product turns out, and what lessons we have learned yet select to ignore will have an impact on the end result.
A soul mate is merely, to go with the traditional definition, an extension of ourselves -- but *not* a carbon copy. The soul mate melds their personality with ours ... and thus we become one in regards to the spectrum of love. The soul mate still maintains a separate identity from ours, independent, yet the feelings on an emotional and physical level towards each other are of the same intensity. One may do 60% of the housework, one may bring home 85% of the monthly income, etc. -- yet both love and respect the other as close to 100% is humanly possible. *But* one thing that helps us to get closer to this point is HONESTY with *not* only others _but_ also ourselves about how we are going to go about doing this ... and why.
I may be wrong ... but the last paragraph there is how I perceive a soul mate of a romantic sense to be. *But* it is also important to have folks recall that a soul mate ain't necessarily a lover, a soul mate can also be nothing more than dear and good friends to us ... so we have (essentially) more than one soul mate out there for us. *smile*
© Carol aka Secretive (11/96) and is based upon personal opinion only. Feel free to comment via E-Mail ...