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Along Came a Spider
(Reviewed March 23, 2001, by James Dawson)
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Morgan Freeman reprises his role as Detective Alex Cross, a character he played earlier in "Kiss the Girls." I never bothered seeing that one, even though Freeman's co-star was the scrumptiously delicious Ashley Judd, because I didn't get a free ticket. So I don't know if that movie was any good--but by all that is holy, I can't imagine that it possibly could have been anywhere near as abominably awful as "Along Came a Spider."
This movie is relentlessly, insultingly stupid. The plot makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. The first hour or so is devoted to a kidnapping that is flat-out nonsensical. Considering that the kidnapper actually intends all along to kidnap a different child from the very same location, even a brain-dead idiot would have to wonder why the hell he didn't simply snatch the other kid in the first place.
The kidnapper also is one of those "only in awful movies" criminals who treats the cops-and-robbers situation as if it is an intellectual contest between himself and his detective of choice, planting clues and making taunts. Ugh. The most elaborate of these ridiculous gambits involves a computer link to a live camera, a plot device that is so goofy it boggles the mind. Later, we are treated to the ultimate computer cliche, when Detective Cross manages to guess a suspect's computer password ON HIS VERY FIRST TRY.
The whole misbegotten mess flounders to an ending that is jaw-droppingly moronic. I'm talking "so stupid it makes you shake your head in disbelief" bad, folks.
If watching a terribly plotted, worse-than-TV crime thriller with frequent scenes of child abuse is your idea of a good time, please, do yourself a favor and seek professional help.
Back Row Grade: F
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