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Bandits
(Reviewed September 30, 2001)
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"A Knight's Tale" was absolutely awful. "Tomcats" was titanically terrible. But "Bandits" is so sub-moronically stupid and overwhelmingly unentertaining that it may be worse than even those two bombs. It easily joins their cellar-dwelling ranks as one of The Three Very, Very Worst Movies of 2001.
Bruce Willis and Billy Bob Thornton are two escaped inmates whose pairing is mind-bogglingly unconvincing. While Willis does his usual tough-guy-with-a-wink schtick (although occasionally and inconsistently dumber when the situation here demands), Billy Bob seems to be channeling some unholy and remarkably unfunny hybrid of Tom Arnold and Woody Allen. It is impossible to believe that Willis would have anything whatsoever to do with Thornton's twitchy, hypochondriac, sad-sack, effeminate motormouth. It is equally impossible to believe that Cate Blanchett, who drops into the picture about halfway through as a stereotypically neglected and flakey housewife, would develop a romantic attraction to Thornton. Then again, not a damned thing else in this endlessly overlong (two-hours-plus! Good God!) dud makes a lick of sense, either, so at least it can't be called inconsistent.
The writing is excruciatingly bad. Director Barry Levinson wallows tediously in scene after scene long after you have finished praying he would yell "cut!" We even are blessed with one of those ultra-cliche "character lip-syncing to classic rock song" scenes, when Cate Blanchett vamps it up solo in her gourmet kitchen while miming some horrible old Bonnie Tyler tune. See her throw flour in the air for atmosphere! Watch her use her pots and pans for percussion and her sink's spray nozzle for a microphone! Jesus Christ, was this kind of thing ever amusing?
Just when you think this turkey can't possible get any worse, you will be treated to an ending that is so stupendously, insultingly dumb that it could have been replaced with a simple placard saying, "If you have stayed this long without leaving, you are a complete idiot, and we don't mind treating you like one."
With any luck, this dreck will slither into the sewer with all dispatch without making a dime at the box office. (If only life were so just.) And then director Levinson can get in a petty snit and blame its failure on a poor marketing effort by studio MGM, the same way he saddled Dreamworks with the blame for last year's wholly warranted failure of his thoroughly lousy "An Everlasting Piece."
Note to Mr. L: Sometimes, the problem isn't the ad campaign.
Back Row Grade: F-minus, minus, minus
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