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- "Coyote Ugly"
(Reviewed August 1, 2000, by James Dawson)
- It should have been titled "Coyote Stupid." Folks, this movie sucks like a hotel toilet. It is insultingly, maddeningly, relentlessly dumb. It is "Flashdance 2000," with the exception
that
all of its female stars rolled together do not have one-tenth of one percent of the looks, charisma or sexuality of Jennifer Beals. Damn, could that girl ever eat a lobster.
We're talking here about a movie whose protagonist moves to New York to attain songwriting success with a bunch of generic, old-fart MOR material that actually was written by Dianne Warren,
queen of the Hollywood crank-'em-out-by-the-dozen hacks. (Then again, Warren has made a fortune from her soporific swill, so maybe Jersey Girl ain't so dumb after all.)
A credit at the beginning of the movie says "Music by Trevor Horn," which is a tragedy in itself. (What will he do next, produce a Barry Manilow comeback?) Movie-score-wise, the legendary
and
genius Yes, Seal and Frankie Goes to Hollywood (!!!) producer only appears to have contributed some undistinguished synthesizer washes that sound like bare-bones demos. Maybe he got a look at a
rough
cut of the film, developed a sudden case of Good Taste, and ran screaming into the night before completing his arrangements.
The producers must be praying that there are an awful lot of teenage boys out there who (a) can't manage to find a place that will sell them porno mags, and (b) are too retarded to figure out how to
access smut on the Internet. Who else would have any desire whatsoever to see this cheesy, moronic, no-nudity tease-fest? That's right, all of you desperately horny would-be dupes: THERE IS
ABSOLUTELY NO NUDITY IN THIS MOVIE. NONE. ZERO. Instead, you will be treated to numerous scenes of fully-clothed women stomping and sliding on top of a bar, mostly to songs that none of
them would know, because the bar bimbos are not old enough to have heard them (unless they fall in that micro-minuscule demographic of 18-24-year-old women who tune in Classic Rock radio stations).
At
one point, Piper Perabo quiets a rowdy crowd by karaoke-ing to a Blondie song from the 1970s. What, did her granny sing her to sleep with that moldy chestnut when she was an infant?
And speaking of Ms. Perabo: As I mentioned in my "Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle" review, she has an interesting, unconventional look that grows on you. But her non-stop mugging and
flat-out terrible acting (which sort of fit the general tone of "Rocky and Bullwinkle") make her performance here excruciating to watch. She has that hammy, "look how expressive I am," completely fake
acting
style that typifies "Saved By The Bell"-type sitcoms. Watch my eyebrows go way up! Watch my rubbery face contort with every emotion! Watch my bottom lip stick out so far when I pout that I
could carry drinks on it! Ugh.
Honest to God, if "Loser" had not been released this year, "Coyote Ugly" would stand a darn good chance of being my pick for Worst Movie of the Year. Stay home and look at pictorials in
Penthouse Letters if you want to be titillated. This is the kind of movie that makes a guy mad at his own tool. ("Why did you convince me to pay to see this? Why, why, why???")
Oh, and one last
thing: Anyone who thinks that the comic book "Amazing Spider-Man" #129 is worth A THOUSAND DOLLARS, as this movie would have you believe, is more than welcome to buy my copy for that
price!
(Its true value is considerably under a hundred bucks, as of August 2000, but there's always the chance that speculators will send it to dizzying heights. REALLY dizzying heights...)
Back Row Grade: F-
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