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The Curse of the Jade Scorpion
(Reviewed August 15, 2001)
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Woody Allen really can't win these days. If he had used another actor in the role he plays here, fans who always want to see him onscreen in his movies would complain. But the truth is that Woody is so horribly, ridiculously miscast in "Curse of the Jade Scorpion" that his presence helps sabotage the film.
And his is not the only casting mistake. But first things first.
Even in a comedy, it is disturbing and preposterous to see Woody playing a man who dates Elizabeth Barkley, and whom Charlize Theron regards as sexually desirable (even for kinky kicks), and in whom Helen Hunt can find true love. That ain't comedy, folks--that's absurdity! Maybe a millionaire movie director can marry a girl young enough to be his granddaughter, but Woody's not playing himself here. He is supposed to be a debt-ridden insurance investigator. Not exactly a "prize catch," in other words.
The other major casting mistake is Helen Hunt. Now, I'm not Hunt's biggest fan; her extremely limited acting range and her choice of exactly two facial expressions don't exactly put her in Meryl Streep's class. But one thing she does have is great hair, a well-above-average face, and an absolutely killer body. (Some of her outfits here make her bountiful breasts look like jutting jet nosecones. And I say that in only the very nicest way.) So when Woody engages in what is supposed to be witty repartee with Hunt in which he refers to her as ugly and repulsive (at one point comparing her to an organ grinder's monkey, for Christ's sake), one has to wonder when he last visited the eye doctor. I'm not sure who Woody may have had in mind for the role when writing the screenplay--Roseanne?--but I can't imagine any man regarding Hunt as, well, a dog.
Similar carelessness is found throughout the movie. There are at least two scenes in the film that include dialog flubs. What the hell is this, "One-Take Theatre?" The pacing is sloooooooow. Woody's character goes into great detail--TWICE--explaining information that the audience, and his listeners, clearly already know. And the ending is a horribly obvious (and flat-out unbelievable) cliche.
"The Curse of the Jade Scorpion" probably would have made an amusing short story (emphasis on the word "short"). It even could have been a decent enough movie, if Woody had cast modern-day equivalents of Clark Gable and Carole Lombard in the roles and quickened the pace--since he obviously was trying for a screwball-comedy feel here. Granted, he also would have to drop the "you're an ugly broad" stuff, but those lines aren't funny anyway, so no great loss.
It's way beyond time for Woody to act his age. Playing Julia Roberts' boyfriend a few years back in "Everybody Says I Love You" was creepy enough. But seeing him making out with Helen Hunt in a full-on, fireworks-bursting clench is an outright insult to the audience's intelligence.
Back Row Grade: D- (Escaping an "F" mainly because Charlize looks so good braless in a sheer white gown; oh, and there are a couple of funny lines, too)
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