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"Monkeybone"
(Reviewed February 15, 2001)
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It's amazing. Less than a week after I wrote that it would be hard for Hollywood to make a worse movie this year than "The Caveman's Valentine," damned if they didn't turn around and do it!
"Monkeybone" is so bad, so unfunny, so painfully stupid that it is guaranteed to show up on critics' "worst of the year" list come December. If you thought Brendan Fraser was bad in "Bedazzled" (and he was), you ain't seen nothing yet. His big, dumb, good-hearted retard act never has done much for this reviewer, but I've never disliked him this much in any other movie (and I saw "Dudley Do-Right," for Christ's sake).
The real tragedy here, though, is the criminal waste of the beautiful, sexy, smart Bridget Fonda. A few years back, she was great in "Jackie Brown." Then something horrible happened to her career, and she ended up in absolute dreck like "Lake Placid" and now this mess. Oofah.
Monkeybone is the name of a remarkably unappealing cartoon monkey created by Fraser. When a car wreck (what a waste of a Karmann Ghia!!!) leaves Fraser comatose, his soul goes to "Downtown," which could be described as "Pee-Wee's Playhouse" with all the fun and wit and humor sucked out. There, Monkeybone is a real being. He manages to escape into the real world by taking over Fraser's body.
The problem with the movie is that Monkeybone is basically nothing more than a crude, unamusing jerk, prone to doing annoying things that make the audience groan, "Enough, already!" Do we really need to see Monkeybone (in Fraser's body) cramming fistfuls of cake in his face, or drugging a basset-hound with nightmare hallucinogens, or crooning "Brick House" to a thoroughly embarrassed Fonda? No. No, we most assuredly don't.
There are a few nice visuals, but nowhere near enough of them to make up for the lame plot and Fraser's off-putting performance. In fact, Downtown often ends up looking like one of those movie sets that you know cost a whole lot of money, but which never is fully convincing as an actual place. Oh, and did I mention that Whoopi Goldberg is in this disaster? (Just in case you needed another reason to stay home.)
Don't be tempted by the shots of Rose McGowan dressed as a sexy feline in the TV ads, either. In the first place, she doesn't get nearly as much screen time as you will desire. In the second place, no nudity. None. Zip.
The screenplay was written by Sam Hamm, who wrote the first "Batman" movie, but he must have done this one while *HE* was in a coma. The score is by Art of Noise's Anne Dudley, but you never would know it.
If you have gotten this far in this review and STILL harbor any desire to see "Monkeybone," consider this: "Ain't-It-Cool-News" webmaster Harry Knowles appears in a non-speaking, but very visible, cameo role. Try to imagine how desperate, how pathetic, how unbelievably insecure and achingly needy the producers would have to be to make that particular casting decision.
In a nutshell: "Monkeybone" is this year's "Battlefield Earth." Avoid at all costs.
Back Row Grade: F minus, minus, minus...
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