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"The Princess Diaries"
(Reviewed June 19, 2001)
-
There are two things that make this horrendously acted, amateurish would-be "comedy" not just bad but utterly despicable.
First, although its "ugly duckling" plot already has been used everywhere from "The Brady Bunch" to "She's All That"--you know, the plot where an obviously beautiful girl is supposed to appear ugly just because she wears nerd glasses and has a bad hairdo in the first act, but then we are supposed to be shocked and amazed when she turns out to be ga-ga-ga-gorgeous after a makeover--I've never seen even the cheesiest retelling of that fable resort to outright CHEATING. In "The Princess Diaries," the first time we see allegedly 15-year-old Anne Hathaway (the utterly babe-alicious star of last year's Fox series "Get Real"), SHE IS WEARING A PROSTHETIC NOSE. Now, that's just not playing fair. In the movie, we are supposed to believe that a single afternoon with a makeup man converts Hathaway from a frizzy-haired, potato-nosed Chelsea-Clinton-type into a sleek, perfect-nosed teen goddess...but that obviously wouldn't be possible. Every pre-teen girl who sees this flick (and I can't imagine any other demographic shelling out for tickets) should get together and file a class-action lawsuit against the producers.
The other contemptible thing about the movie is that it is so unrelentingly awful even though it has Julie Andrews in it, who deserved so much better. Good God, this is the woman who was Maria von Trapp and Mary Poppins, not to mention Victor/Victoria, Americanized Emily and the Queen of Camelot herself. And now is shamelessly sullied by appearing in this inept "Saved by the Bell"-level tripe directed by Garry Marshall. (Also, Marshall's "Pretty Woman" is an obvious template for a lot of the stuff that goes on in this movie: the unsophisticated klutz who has to learn manners and class to dwell among her betters. Unfortunately, however, Hathaway never wears fishnets and hot pants.)
Oh, and there's one other thing about this movie that should make cinema fans weep. Heather Matarazzo, who was absolutely perfect in "Welcome to the Dollhouse" a few years back, appears as Hathaway's best friend. Ain't it sad that even a girl who actually can act, and who actually appeared in a truly great indie movie that was about real people, is now appearing in this "Disney Channel" level crap?
Why, yes, in fact, it is.
Back Row Grade: D- (Saved from an "F" because Hathaway is just so darned good-looking, even if she can't act or move worth a damn.)
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