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The Cat in the Hat
(Reviewed November 7, 2003)
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One would have thought after "The Grinch,"
A new Seuss flick would be a cinch
To be at least a little funny
And not a total waste of money.
But this movie is so damned bad--
Not good at all, no, not a tad!--
That audiences will stare in horror,
Getting bored, and then more boreder.
Not one laugh, nor smile, nor grin!
Its lousiness should be a sin!
"Examples, please," you may request
And thusly I will do my best
To spell out things one, two and three
That make this bomb a "must-not-see":
Worst of all is its bad writing,
Which bites and bites and keeps on biting.
Casting Mike Myers seemed inspired
But he mugs, flounders and just seems tired.
He never finds his inner "cat,"
And makes the flick seem quite old "hat"
By impersonating this odd three:
W.C. Fields, Kool-Aid Man and Streisand, B.
The "humor," if one can so describe it,
Is forced as most "Saturday Night Live" bits.
Must kids see Mike strung from a tree
Pinata-style, and beat mercilessly
By a birthday-party gang of brats
Wielding wooden baseball bats?
Two more scenes that should be missing
Involve a dog that's twice shown pissing.
No lie, the gags are so "non-startin'"
It's like "Santa Claus vs. The Martians."
Also looking "bargain basement"
Is the shameless product placement:
Through Hollywood-huckster hocus-pocus,
Everyone drives a damned Ford Focus
(Except Alec Baldwin's neighbor fellow,
Who has a Thunderbird of yellow).
Baldwin plays would-be stepfather
To Kelly Preston's son and daughter
And is the actor who comes off best,
Having fun with hammy zest.
The daughter is Dakota Fanning
Whose agent she should soon be banning.
She's likeable and cute and sweet,
But in this role there is no meat.
Her brother's some bad "Hollywood kid."
(And of his type, the industry should be rid.)
Sean Hayes, of awful "Will and Grace,"
Actually manages to save face
As a fish with a just-right look,
His panicked performance is "by the book."
But he and Baldwin are not enough
To save this dull and horrid stuff.
And when you think things can't get more wrong,
It all wraps up with a Beatles song!
Thanks to Sony and Michael Jackson
"Getting Better" plays over the climactic action.
It's by Smash Mouth, not the Fab Four,
But you should still run for the door.
You ask, "Can this flick be as bad as all that?
Could they really have messed up `The Cat in the Hat'
So thoroughly it's not worth eight bucks?"
That's right, folks! It sucks, and sucks!
Back Row Grade: F, F, F
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