The Enemy Within

Received some very bad news today: a co-worker has been diagnosed with an extremely aggressive form of cancer. The usual length of time people survive after getting this form of cancer is two years, and given how advanced his cancer is, it looks like he already has had it for a year. Maybe chemotherapy still can help him, but at this point surgery can't because the cancer already has reached his lungs and is in his lymph nodes.

For some reason, I don't feel upset ... yet. Perhaps on some level I am, but right now I think I am too numb to feel any pain. There have been a number of co-workers who have died in recent years, including another who had a very aggressive -- though different -- form of cancer. My mind recoils from the thought of another person I know dying. I know that's the denial stage of grief, but I don't want to move on to the next one yet. I don't want to think about this funny, smart, incredibly talented man I know dying in less than a year; I don't want to think about him ceasing to exist except in pictures and memories and musical tributes. I don't think I'm cold-hearted, but I'm not capable of reacting to this news right now.

I think I'm just keeping myself from feeling anything right now so I won't start crying. I know that once I start, I won't be able to stop for a very long time.