Damsel in the Rough Tempesta. Dynamic time-travel novel about a New Yorker stuck in Greece, first century BC. Creative adventure, prehistory characters mixed with the gods of mythology and a gal from Brooklyn with a phenomenal yen to be as funny as hell!
EXPRESSIONS FOR HIGH STRESS DAYS
1. You! Off my planet!!!
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
5. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
6. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
7. Allow me to introduce my selves.
8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
10. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
11. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
12. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
13. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
14. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
15. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
16. You say I'm a bitch like its a bad thing.
17. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
18. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
19. Chaos, panic & disorder--my work here is done.
20. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
21. Earth is full. Go home!!!
22. Is it time for your medication or mine?
23. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
24. How do I set a laser printer on stun?
25. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
Quick Jokes
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 mins.
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get the remote.
What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpme.
What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
Marriage.
How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.
THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO HMM!
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lips still?
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.