The STRAIGHT FROM THE LEG Collection
PEG LEG WILLIE of Lloyd

STRAIGH FROM THE LEG:
TOP TEN MOST
INSULTING NAMES TO CALL A MAGIC USER

10.  Wand-Lover

9.    Performance Art School Dropout

8.    Wizzy

7.    Poor Mans Doug Henning

6.    Larry Hagman-Flunky

5.    Flaming Levitator

4.    Friend to the Birds, the Flowers, and All Things Wussy

3.    Confirmed Bachelor

2.    Lucky-Charmer

1.    Samantha






STRAIGHT FROM THE LEG:
TOP TEN CLUES
THAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND
MAY REALLY BE THE DARK MASTER

10.  The bowl of dead crickets she leaves out for guests to nibble on

9.    Giggles uncontrollably whenever someone mentions Hitler

8.    Her insistance on wearing Sunblock for your moonlit strolls along the beach

7.    When meeting your pet canary she says, Oh, what a pretty birdy.  Then bites its head off.

6.    On job applications where it says, Are you currently the Dark Master? she always checks the Yes 
box

5.    Family photo album is 250 pages of blank space

4.    Gets the Ancient-Citizens Discount when you go to the movies

3.    Her shrine to Anne Rice

2.    Says, Id like you to meet my father.  Introduces you to Dick Clark.

1.    The Posturpedic coffin in her bedroom






STRAIGHT FROM THE LEG:
TOP TEN 
HEROS EXCUSES FOR 
LOSING THE SIMBANI INITIATION CONTEST

10.  Foolishly hoped boyish good looks would be enough to coast by

9.    Thought Chutes n Ladders portion would be best of seven

8.    Was distracted by the mouth-watering fragrance of coagulated milk and fermented cows blood wafting 
from the village

7.    Thought there would be less combat, more singing-- like in The Lion King

6.    Turns out the warrior initiation area is a heck of a lot bigger than it looks on T.V.

5.    Couldnt get into a groove with that infernal American Gladiators music being blasted

4.    Never read anything in the rules against tickling

3.    Highly unreliable method of using sun-dial to time contestants

2.    Mistaken in assumption there would be spelling portion; spent up prep-time skimming a Websters

1.    Lets see how fast YOU run with a dinosaur horn in your pants!





STRAIGHT FROM THE LEG:
TOP TEN SURPRISES
IN QUEST FOR GLORY:  THE MOVIE

10.  Part of Erana played by Jaye Davidson of The Crying Game

9.    Instead of using sword, hero now disses his enemies into submission

8.    Ad Avis tag line, I SHALL DESTROY YOU! replaced with catchier, WHERE'S ME LUCKY 
CHARMS?!?

7.    Hero comes out of closet; dates Laura Dern

6.    Laws of physics defied when runaway oxcart successfully jumps 50-foot gap in road

5.    Wizard Erasmus announces his retirement; two scenes later giant piano falls on him

4.    Popular character Apollo Creed killed by Russian boxer; Hero swears vengeance

3.    Abdullah Doos big nude scene

2.    Shema leaves Shameen; runs away with Ike Turner

1.    Through the magic of computer animation, the late, great George Burns makes brief, heart-warming 
guest appearance as himself, returning to earth one last time before embarking upon his journey to Heaven 
so that he may finally be rejoined with the one true love of his life, Gracie Allen.  Spends duration of screen 
time dancing with vacuum cleaner.


 



Straight From the Leg:
TOP TEN SIGNS
YOURE PLAYING TOO MUCH QUEST FOR GLORY

10.  Find youself using phrase Beggone, wench! more and more frequently

9.    Youve taken the liberty of removing fancy-schmancy bathroom toilet;  guests forced to squat over hole 
in ground

8.    You begin stalking neighbor kid who bears passing resemblance to fat goblin

7.    Your car has bumper sticker reading,  I break for Antwerps!

6.    Suddenly allowed to use Quest-For-Glory-Obsessed-Freaks express line at supermarket

5.    Everywhere you look:  Abdullah!

4.    Youve named all seven of your kids Shameen (George Foreman only)

3.    Stopped using Old Spice; now using Suddenly Swarthy!

2.    Commonly heard phrase at dinner table:  Could you please pass the coagulated cows blood?

1.    You drive an 87 Ford Saurus







MEMO TO THE PEOPLE:

Look, Im not gonna beat around the bush, folks.  Things are looking pretty bad for our friend, Straight 
From the Leg.  Ratings are at an all-time low and the big-money boys upstairs are threatening to pull the 
plug.

Why has it come to this, you ask? 

Where to begin. . . .  

Yes, the companys changed hands recently, which is never a good thing. Yes, weve been inexplicably 
yanked from our nice cushy time-slot between Seinfeld and E.R. to the less hospitable 2:35 AM spot right 
after Cooking with Byron Allen. And yes, our one real supporter among the suits just up and left early last 
summer, leaving us twisting in the wind in the executive relations department.  

And of course Im sure youre all aware of the latest crisis.  Its been in all the newspapers, so Im not going 
to bore you with a recap.  Suffice it to say, our head story-boarder, Mr Pheinman, dealt us what may be the 
final blow.  It seems it was his odd obsession with farm animals in lingerie which was responsible for us 
losing five of our biggest sponsers.

But as I said earlier, Im not gonna beat around the bush. These things certainly didnt help us, but none of 
them are the reason that Straight from the Leg is in such jeopardy.  No.  

I, and I alone am responsible for our current state.

I guess I got too confident.  I guess I just started believing the newspaper headlines:  PEGLEG THE 
WUNDERKIND!  and THERES JUST NO STOPPING THIS PEG!  and of course my personal 
favorite, ONTARIO WOMAN KIDNAPPED BY UFO!  E.T. IS A HONEY OF A HOST SAYS FAYE 
YIDDLESTEIN!  Oh how sweet they sounded then; how bitter they sound now.  I got to thinking that I 
really could change the system.  I thought I was unbeatable.  

Dont you hear what Im trying to say?  It was MY decision to change our title from all capital letters to 
standard punctuation.  It was ME!  THATS what killed us!  Whats that?  You never noticed any change in 
the title?  Thats right, I say.  Of course you didn't.  THATS the whole problem.  You didn't notice a 
change, because you didnt notice the column at all!

They tried to warn me.  They said, Cmon Mr. Willie.  Its the title that draws em in.  Sure they stay for 
the worm but its that shiny hook that gets em there in the first place!  People need those capital letters.  
They need that hook!  It makes em feel good!  Those caps say, HEY HEY, BITE ME!

I said, No, the people want something different!  Columns titled in all capitals are a dime a dozen.  Less is 
more!  Besides,  I would add.  Its not those big pretty caps that draws them in.  Its the good name of 
PegLeg that the people crave!  Caps are great to look at but theyre nothing without a good solid set of 
teeth to back em up.  And baby, the name of Pegleg is one sharp set of choppers!

But I wouldnt listen.  I forged blindly ahead and changed the title.  STRAIGHT FROM THE LEG, 
became, Straight From the Leg,  the numbers dropped, and the rest, as they say, is history.  

Whats that you say?  Why don't we just go back to all caps?  

Well, people, that just aint gonna cut the mustard.  Once these things start to go downhill, the only thing 
stopping them from hitting bottom is a large boulder or tree.  Believe me I know; you dont muck around 
waist-deep in this business for five solid days without picking up an instinct or two.

I just dont know how well get out of this one.  

So I leave you now.  I leave you with what just may be the last edition of Straight.  And yes Ive titled this 
column in all caps, 

just for old times sake.....

STRAIGHT FROM THE LEG #6 by Pegleg

. . . .


TOP TEN
REASONS THIS SIXTH EDITION
JUST MIGHT BE THE LAST

10.  Only so many synonyms for monkey-lovin

9.    Taking some major heat from the Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Saints

8.    Was actually planning to end it at five; then came up with all this capital-letter crap

7.    Just wasnt the same after Jerry Garcia died

6.    Constant fear of being deleted by moderators makes life a living hell

5.    Inexplicable absence of morphing

4.    Lost core Gen-x demographic after Dole put us on family-values list along with Schwarzenegger flick 
True Lies and Bruce Willis slug-fest Die Hard with a Vengeance

3.    Was busy writing hilarious seventh installment when traveling circus rode by;  decided to run away and 
join!

2.    Always considered this just a temp-job between my geeking gigs

1.    Lets face it; the pay bites






STRAIGHT FROM THE LEG:
TOP TEN
REJECTED QUEST FOR GLORY
GAME TITLES

10.  Trial by Fire, Hair by Antonio

9.    Quest For Glory:  So You Want to Be a Supermodel?

8.    Dick and Jane Go Plundering the Carcasses of Their Slain Enemies

7.    A Heros Cosmetic Surgery

6.    Rusty Dagger + Careless Thief = Lockjaw

5.    Buy This Game and Contribute to the Ever-Widening Gap of Non-Communication In Your Family

4.    Quest For Glory:  Wages of a New York Fry Cook

3.    The Life and Times of Larry Flynt

2.    This Is Not Your Father's Quest For Glory

1.    A Desperate Cry For Help From a Bunch of Isolated Computer Programmers







STRAIGHT FROM THE LEG:
TOP TEN 
REASONS PLAYING QUEST FOR GLORY 
IS BETTER THAN SCHOOL

10.  Cant go to school naked

9.    Everyone makes big stink when you pull dagger on physics professor

8.    Rusalka babe will drown you regardless of whether or not youve gotten driver's license yet

7.    When exercising on Simbani initiation bridge, dont have to worry about weirdo gym teacher ogling 
your every move

6.    Wearing cape in game equals hero; wearing cape in school ensures dateless Senior year

5.    Radiation poisoning far less prevalent than asbestos poisoning

4.    When you slash away at enemies in game they make cool animal noises and retaliate with their own 
brand of violent justice; when you slash away at enemies in school they just sort of slump down and whimper 
a little

3.    Sheriff Meistersson always has nice, positive things to say during conferences with Mom

2.    Virtually impossible to get wedgied while signing log book in adventurer's guild

1.    Don't really have to eat Shemas saurkraut curry.  Chicken-patties a grim reality.






STRAIGHT FROM THE LEG:
TOP TEN SIGNS
YOURE A FAILURE AS A HERO

10.  Townspeople no longer address you with Greeting's Hero  but instead just give the finger

9.    You overhear pretty girls at next lunchtable giggling about that caped freak

8.    Youve only been in town a week, but the populations already reduced to just you and that comatose 
geezer in the Adventurers guild

7.    Prophecy officially changed to Comes A Pansy From the East.....

6.    Common sound of Heros Whistle replaced with common sight of Bat Signal

5.    Picture deal with Disney put on back-burner

4.    Abdullah, whos so gentle and affectionate at home, turns real callous and distant whenever you go out 
to dinner together

3.    Trolls content in limiting their attacks to wedgies

2.    Some joker keeps crank-calling; asks for Roy L. Goober

1.    After Tarnan soul-weighing you regain consciousness in dark alley with wallet missing and anchor 
tattoo on your rear





STRAIGHT FROM THE LEG:
TOP TEN
PUNCHLINES TO GRAVEYARD JOKES

10.  But if her fiances been locked in the crypt all week, wheres the body?

9.    Five!  One to hold the pick-axe and four to turn the pyre!

8.    Why does this embalming fluid smell like iced-tea?

7.    No, thats not a shovel in my pocket.

6.    I just don't understand it.  His neck looks fine but his wife said he was hung.

5.    Whos frying hamburgers?

4.    No!  I said spread the ladies ashes!  Their ASHES!

3.    What are you talking about?  The shovel is over there!

2.    Ive heard of burying the stiff--but this is ridiculous!

1.    Lets just say that Mrs. Smith had an eleventh finger.





STRAIGHT FROM THE LEG:
BABA YAGAS
TOP TEN FAVORITE FOODS

10.  Plankton

9.    Burlap

8.    Toe-nail lint

7.    Healthy Choice Frozen TV Dinners

6.    Clearasil

5.    Bowl of Special K with skim milk and fresh strawberries-- and lots and lots of brains on top!

4.    Retsin

3.    Ben and Jerrys  Large Intestine-Ripple

2.    Ben and Jerry

1.    Box of Krafts brand Macaroni and Cheese and an Entire Varsity Football Team




STRAIGHT FROM THE LEG:
TOP TEN
SHOCKING REVELATIONS
ABOUT THE DRYAD

10.  After High school, used college money to get face sanded

9.    Spends every Arbor Day with a six-pack and a one pound box of chocolates

8.    Once found wandering around during a lightning storm screaming, Hit me!

7.    Secret addiction to maple syrup

6.    Is a card-carrying member of the NRA

5.    Was rejected for part of apple-throwing tree in The Wizard of Oz.  Casting director later found gored to 
death by stag.

4.    Always thought squirrels were sort of goofy looking

3.    Favorite Hobby:  Burning ants with a magnifying glass

2.    When times were hard, sold her flowers for dough

1.    The name on her birth certificate?  Hector.





STRAIGHT FROM THE LEG:
TOP TEN
SHOCKING REVELATIONS
ABOUT THE DRYAD, PART II

10.  Spent three weeks living off bark and roasted squirrel meat after plane crashed in the Andes

9.    Once found drunk in pool of her own sap

8.    Carving on lower branch that says, Trees Do It One Root At A Time

7.    Received one week suspension in 9th grade for refusing to take Shop

6.    Always chooses plastic at supermarket check-out

5.    Kicked out of house at seventeen for conceiving a sapling with a Redwood

4.    Frequently crank-calls Sting

3.    Arrested in the 60s for sprouting in a public park

2.    Known as Large Marge on pro-wrestling circuit

1.    Marilyn Manson groupie





TOP TEN
SHOCKING REVELATIONS
ABOUT THE DRYAD, PART III
 

10.  Her father was a bush

9.    Took Forestry in High school;  flunked out and spent remainder of year in Home Economics

8.    Has trouble sleeping at night what with all them woodsy noises

7.    That table in her dining room?  Uncle Phil.

6.    Under investigation in connection with recent string of chipmunk stranglings

5.    Once saw a psychiatrist because she couldnt stop tapping herself

4.    Decomposing remains of overzealous lumberjack stuffed under front porch

3.    Loved Pulp.  Hated Gump.

2.    Often lies about her ring-count

1.    Extremely revealing centerfold in June issue of National Geographic






STRAIGHT FROM THE LEG:
TOP TEN ODDITIES
FOUND IN THE QUEST FOR GLORY
MESSAGE BOARD TERMS-OF-SERVICE AREA

10.  The whole thing is in Yiddish

9.    Monthly users fee of $19.95; welchers hunted down and caged

8.    While new moderators not technically Sierra employees, each one suspiciously a Cheese of the Month 
Club member

7.    Hanson-bashing greeted with zero tolerance

6.    Pregnant women strongly cautioned in limiting their visits to periods no longer than twelve minutes at 
once

5.    Phrase distribution of monkey-erotica pops up with disturbing frequency

4.    Pantsless posting highly recommended

3.    Site not dedicated to loyal Quest For Glory fans, but to retired taxidermist from Trenton, New Jersey

2.    Invisible radiation emitted from post-a-response screen causes sterility in lab mice

1.    Perspective moderators must pass wacky Double-Dare-like obstacle course. Winners become 
moderators; losers spend a night in the box.







STRAIGHT FROM THE LEG:
TOP TEN NAMES
DARK ONE WORSHIPPERS CONSIDERED 
BEFORE SETTLING ON CULT OF THE DARK ONE

10.  Satans Little Helpers

9.    Daughters of the American Revolution

8.    Krafts Macaroni and Cheese Kids Club

7.    Those Punk Kids

6.    Just Like the Shriners--Only Way Spookier!

5.    The Un-Jedis

4.    Amon and the Gang

3.    A Couple Dozen Middle-Aged Guys in Robes

2.    Bickle Inc.

1.    Druids Ahoy!





STRAIGHT FROM THE LEG:
TOP TEN
REJECTED NEW CHARACTER CLASSES

10.  Professional Wrestler

9.    Mime

8.    Gaffer

7.    Harold, The Terribly Anemic Philosophy Major

6.    Elvis Impersonator

5.    Gene Siskel

4.    Computer Game Designer

3.    Character-Actor Robert DeNiro

2.    Male Escort

1.    Groupie




STRAIGHT FROM THE LEG:
TOP TEN
WAYS TO GET KICKED OUT OF
THE WEIGHING OF YOUR SOUL IN QFG3

10.  Shout Not! after every answer

9.    Giggle like a schoolgirl every time you hear the word Ka

8.    When asked if you brought gift, act like you forgot.  Then open eyes real wide and say, Well what do 
we have here?  Produce it from behind Priestess ear.

7.    During test keep peeking at color of aura next to you

6.    Every few minutes scream, You can't handle the truth! at the top of your lungs

5.    Afterwards, say, I thought I was supposed to get a cookie and a glass of orange-juice

4.    Bring gum--but not enough for everyone

3.    Insist on answering everything using ancient Japanese art of Kabuki interpretive fan-dancing

2.    Whenever you dont know an answer say, Perhaps my friend can field that one, and drop pants

1.    Keep pestering Sekhmet to hook you up with that Aphrodite babe







STRAIGHT FROM THE LEG:
TOP TEN
AD SLOGANS
FOR COAGULATED COWS BLOOD

10.  Crime-scene in a Bottle

9.    The Halloween Pranksters Friend

8.    Staging Phony Car Accidents Has Never Been So Easy!

7.    Paternity-Suit-Begone

6.    D-D-Seven, Take Me Away!

5.    For Those Drug Tests You Just Cant Afford To Fail

4.    Now with Tartar Control

3.    Damnit!  Its time you did something for YOU!

2.    The Gift That Keeps On Clotting

1.    Its Coaguliscious!







STRAIGHT FROM THE LEG:
I can already tell that this is going to be one of those editions which I personally find hilarious and everyone 
else just finds idiotic.

Um, I don't know what some of these mean either......

TOP TEN
ACTIONS IN QUEST FOR GLORY 3
THAT SOUND LIKE DIRTY EXPRESSIONS

10.  Freeing the Monkey

9.    Giving the Horn

8.    Laying the Honey

7.    Bargaining for Fish

6.    Exploring the Bush

5.    Dodging the Rhino

4.    Summoning Your Staff

3.    Slaying the Worm

2.    Forcing the Orb through the Portal

1.    Getting the Gift from the Heart of the World





TOP TEN
ACTIONS IN QUEST FOR GLORY 2
THAT SOUND LIKE DIRTY EXPRESSIONS

10.  Oiling the Hinge

9.    Eating the Falafel

8.    Talking to the Beast

7.    Sheathing Your Sword

6.    Mounting the Saurus

5.    Squeezing the Bellows

4.    Charging Your Weapon

3.    Getting a Piece of Beard

2.    Releasing Your Pouch Inside the Funnel

1.    Penetrating the Walls of the Forbidden City






TOP TEN
ACTIONS IN QUEST FOR GLORY 1
THAT SOUND LIKE DIRTY EXPRESSIONS

10.  Getting Some Fur

9.    Yanking the Root

8.    Picking the Lock

7.    Feeding the Pony

6.    Catching the Seed

5.    Raking Out the Stable

4.    Fetching the Magic Fruit

3.    Holding Council with the Bearded Wizard

2.    Beating the One-Eyed Ogre

1.    Playing Cribbage in the Cave by the Waterfall






STRAIGHT FROM THE LEG:
TOP TEN
PERKS OF BEING A THIEF

10.  Flexible work hours ensure never missing Family Ties reruns

9.    Unlimited Super-sizing

8.    None of that pesky guilt feeling after polishing off entire box of cookies

7.    Secret Thieves Sign earns free sundae with dinner entree at participating Sizzlers restaurants

6.    Instead of three proofs-of-purchase and 4 to 6 weeks for delivery, NO proofs-of-purchase and 4 to 6 
weeks for delivery

5.    All the Poland Springs you can drink

4.    That special bond you feel with Han Solo

3.    Dark, tortured persona resulting from constant internal struggle of life as a criminal waging war with 
your selfless heroic exploits really attracts the babes!

2.    Nifty Lil Swindlers decoder ring

1.    No medical, no dental, but man: is the pay good!







STRAIGHT FROM THE LEG:
TOP TEN WAYS
PEOPLE PRONOUNCE THE NAME AD AVIS

10.  Ad Avis (AD A Vis)

9.    Ad Aveys (AD Uh VEEZ)

8.    Aad Aavi (AHD AH Vee)

7.    Ed Asner (ED AZ Ner)

6.    El Nino (El NEE Nyo)

5.    Adidas (Uh DEE Duhz)

4.    Addy Visa (A Dee VEE Zuh)

3.    Ade Aviss (AID AYE Vis)

2.    Sid Caesar (SID SEE Zer)

1.    Lolita Davidovich (Lo LEE Tuh Dah VIH Do Vich)


Runners Up:

11.  Adobe (Uh DO Bee)

12.  Tommy Lee Jones (TAH Mee Lee JONZ)






STRAIGHT FROM THE LEG:
TOP TEN FRICANAN RESTAURANTS

10.  Kentucky Fried Rhinos

9.    The Curdler

8.    Gazelles n Things

7.    International House of Road-Pancakes

6.    Monkey Hut

5.    Chum Gardens

4.    Legs n Eggs n Things You Wouldnt Normally Let Your Dog Eat Let Alone Pay Good Money For 
So That You Can Consume Them Yourself

3.    The Yak Shack

2.    Stewarts Bar and Grill (Scottish food)

1.    Sal Monellas







STRAIGHT FROM THE LEG:
TOP TEN HEROES PICK-UP LINES

10.  Do you slay here often?

9.    Ive been told I have the arms of a fat goblin.

8.    Me?  I was just laughing about something Hercules told me the other day.

7.    How would you like to go back to my place and meet my familiar?

6.    You know, the Katta call the one who freed Raseir from oppression, overthrew the evil Ad Avis, and 
saved the world from horrific destruction, The Honorable Exhaulted Prince of Shapier, Son of the Sultan 
and Friend to All Katta.  But YOU can call me Edgar.

5.    I can make my sword flame.

4.    Dont let the cape fool you.  I could whip Batman like cream.

3.    Of COURSE Im really a Paladin.  Now take off your clothes.

2.    If lovin you were a crime, Id be a rotting corpse in the town dungeon.

1.    Hey babywhats your character class?







STRAIGHT FROM THE LEG:
TOP TEN
PERKS OF WEARING A CAPE

10.  Fun to stand over air-conditioning grate and pretend youre Marilyn Monroe

9.    Guaranteed to keep dinner rolls warm for hours

8.    All that extra dough saved from dateless weekends can be used to remodel kitchen

7.    No one sees the lifts

6.    Looks really cool when youre topping eighty on a Harley

5.    Shop-lifting!  Shop-lifting!  Shop-lifting!

4.    You can let your butt go to hell

3.    When eating barbecued ribs, can be turned around and used as giant bib

2.    Three words:  Confused Batman groupies

1.    Usually takes Sherrif twice as long to notice youre pantsless








STRAIGHT FROM THE LEG:
TOP TEN HEROS
COMPLAINTS ABOUT THE CAPE

10.  Long-term exposure to space-age synthetic polymers has rendered him sterile

9.    Forced to wear girly floral-print tablecloth on laundry days

8.    Sick of seeing snapshots of self in tabloids over caption Elvis Lives

7.    Ever-present risk of leaving house with it accidently tucked into underwear

6.    Not microwave-safe

5.    Lets face it, this look hasn't been cool since the demise of professional wrestling.

4.    Fall asleep on the beach; get roasted like a potato

3.    Virtually impossible getting past airport security without being strip-searched

2.    Three words:  Confused Liberace groupies

1.    Hey--even that fruit Zorro gets to take it off once in a while!
  







WITNESS THE RESURRECTION

Well, its that time of the year again--time for Straight From the Leg.  (Pay no attention to the Subject Line 
of this post.  Just my cleverly subtle way of sneaking in some non-Quest For Glory stuff onto the board.)

I remember the first time Id posted Straight From the LegId said something about how Straight From 
the Leg will be a forum to offer my own randomly idiotic musings about Quest For Glory.  Meaning, each 
edition would be a little different than the last.  Sometimes a short story, sometimes an observation, 
sometimes an opinion, sometimes a riddle--

And sometimes a Top Ten List.

Its kind of funny what happened after that.  Id said in that first edition, Todays Straight From the Leg 
will be a Top Ten list.  And it was.  TOP TEN MOST INSULTING NAMES TO CALL A MAGIC USER

Well, edition 2 rolled around, and guess what I decided to put in that one.  Thats right.  A recipe for 
Peglegs Blue Ribbon Chocolate Sandies!  (There was also another Top Ten List.)

Edition three also contained another Top Ten list.  Edition four--Top Ten.......edition five.......

Well, suffice it to say, the last couple dozen or so editions of Straight have been Top Ten lists.  I guess when 
you see the sun rise every morning you come to expect it....just like people now expect the latest edition of 
Straight to be just another friendly, non-threatening, non-compelling Top Ten list.

Well I tell you people, it's been 14 long years since that first Straight made its appearance, and I've grown 
woefully sick of this nonsense.

It ends here.

Enough of the Top Tens.  Enough of the expected.  Enough of the whole bloomin mess!

The Top Ten Straight From the Leg is dead.  Time for a change.  Ive been thinking about this for a long 
time, and believe me, its for the best.


Id like to introduce you to the new Straight From the Leg.

Id like to introduce you to Chesty DeVain.


Thats right.  Chesty DeVain--my latest creation.  I figure you might as well get to know her.  After all you 
are going to be spending a lot of time with her, seeing as how she is the new star of Straight From the Leg.

You heard me.

Straight From the Leg will now be an ongoing serial chronicling Chestys bawdy exploits.  Each new 
edition--a new chapter in the life of this fascinating vixen.

Chesty DeVain: Buxom, scantily clad librarian by day....

By night--well, shes still a librarian.....but she also fights crime.....(and her clads are even more scanty than 
they were in the daytime!)

I guarantee you, each chapter will be seamier and steamier than the last.

As each Straight From the Leg unfolds, readers will be treated to a fresh batch of Chesty's titillating 
misadventures: a decidedly heady mix of tawdry violence and lush eroticism.  (Tempered with the 
occassional one-liner, or zingers as theyre known in some circles.)

I cant tell you how excited I am about this new direction Straight is taking.  This is just the shot in the arm 
that it needed.


I am now pleased to present you with the first of what I hope to be a good many episodes.

.............................................................

Tonight's Episode.......

CHESTY DEVAIN: DOUBLE D STANDS FOR DEWEY DECIMAL!!!!

(The adventure begins.........)


It was a dark and stormy and scantily-clad night.  A few scantily-clad trees swung in the well-endowed 
wind..........


Aw, just kidding.

Heres the Top Ten list.  I was thinking about the Quest For Glory villians--specifically Ad Avis in Quest 
For Glory II, the Demon Wizard in Quest III, and the Cult of the Dark One and Katrina in game IV.  This is 
kind of what this list is about.

TOP TEN INCENTIVES
ONE MIGHT HAVE FOR
BRINGING ABOUT THE END OF THE WORLD

10.  Looks good on a rsum

9.    Can finally make good on all those Ill see you in hell promises

8.    Oscar Night: Less cheezy production numbers; More screams of ultimate suffering

7.    New pick-up line We need to re-populate will prove highly effective

6.    High body count means more job opportunities for survivors

5.    Busy having skin flayed by demons now acceptable excuse for missing work

4.    Blistering thermal winds great for E-Z weight loss

3.    Its a good tax dodge

2.    Only twelve states able to come up with decent Miss America entrant; telecast cut by forty minutes

1.    Formerly gruesome Exorcist now a light-hearted comedy








STRAIGHT FROM THE LEG:
TOP TEN SPECIAL
PALADIN ABILITIES IN DRAGON FIRE

10.  Keen Paladin ability to sense nougat

9.    Unusually good fashion sense

8.    Extra-supple skin

7.    Punky Power

6.    Super-good relationship with in-laws

5.    Magic Spandex

4.    Extra-lusterous ear-hair

3.    Ability to read the mind of Steven Seagal

2.    Very high lactose-tolerance

1.    Flaming Paladin Rash


(Dont worry about that last item.  Twenty honor points later you earn the Flaming Paladin Soothing Balm)







STRAIGHT FROM THE LEG:
TOP TEN
DEROGATORY NAMES TO CALL A MAGICIAN

10.  Mr. Goatee

9.    Stick-straddler

8.    Philosophy Major

7.    Kreskin

6.    Fairy-boy

5.    Darrins Old Lady

4.    Dunce-Capper

3.    Mork in a Bottle

2.    Applause-Junkie

1.    Siegfried






STRAIGHT FROM THE LEG:
TOP TEN
PUNCHLINES TO RAUNCHY WIZARD JOKES

10.  You idiot!  Its Sesame!  Not Stephanie!

9.    Im not a wizard; thats not a wand.

8.    She sure LOOKED like Barbara Eden!

7.    Well, Mr. Houdini, now I know why they call you Harry.

6.    Believe meyoure triggering something!

5.    I could wear the hat but itll cost extra.

4.    Then how do you explain the two-pound bags of fairy dust we found taped to the inside of the toilet 
tank?

3.    A magician? No--but she sure has a lot of tricks.

2.    And this is your cellmate; his name is Tinkerbell.

1.    Sabrina--the Teenage Wench!







STRAIGHT FROM THE LEG:
TOP TEN LEAST FREQUENTLY
APPEARING WORDS IN THE NECROPHILICON

10.  Hicky

9.    Plaintiff

8.    Honey-cured

7.    Bar-Fly

6.    Pirouette

5.    Ebert

4.    Cavalcade

3.    Keebler-Riffic

2.    Daintily

1.    Niblets





STRAIGHT FROM THE LEG:
TOP TEN
EXCUSES FOR FAILING THE
WEIGHING OF YOUR SOUL IN QFG3

10.  Accidentally had soul switched with Moms like in Freaky Friday

9.    Kept forgetting to put answers in the form of a question

8.    Hadnt counted on smart-guy liontaur in back making all those distracting armpit noises

7.    Was raised by wild dingos; only family values taught involved monkey disembowelment

6.    Didnt want to look like a nerd in front of the cool souls

5.    Expected less probing philisophical questions of an existential nature and more Wheres Waldo?

4.    Misread cheat notes; declared actor Paul Anka the Egyptian symbol of perpetual life

3.    Sense of morals got real topsey-turvey during all those years in prison

2.    Only using rental soul; real soul laid-up in the shop getting neat racing stripes

1.    Temporarily possessed by the spirit of Mickey Rourke







STRAIGHT FROM THE LEG:
TOP TEN INDICATIONS
THAT THE SIMBANI CHIEF IS GETTING SENILE

10.  Replaced symbolic warrior shield on wall with painting of poker-playing cows

9.    Constantly interrupts village storyteller with requests for them funny balloon animals

8.    New decree that warrior initiation contest include lap-dancing portion

7.    Repeatedly shouts, Cut to the chase! while holding audience with foreign diginitaries

6.    Taken to wearing blond wig; introduces self as Patty

5.    During last meeting with village elders, stripped off all his clothes and shouted, Lets put the Lai back 
in Laibon!

4.    Bought the Jenny McCarthy book

3.    Has enlisted team of top Simbani scientists into developing race of self-milking cows

2.    Often declares war on neighboring tribes because he thinks it will impress Jodie Foster

1.    Occasionally spotted running naked through village, wearing horns and screaming, Milk me!
