Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.

WHAT WOMEN REALLY MEAN
- submitted by Harsh Javeri
Copyright 1997 JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com / TWT. All Rights reserved
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CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
there is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE
without you in it

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
we haven't had a fight in a while

NO, PIZZA'S FINE
you cheap slob!

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW
I just don't want YOU as a boyfriend now

I DON'T KNOW; WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned

COME HERE
my puppy does this too

I LIKE YOU, BUT
I don't like you

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU
just not in THAT way

YOU NEVER LISTEN
you never listen

WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF
I'm just being nice; there is no way I'm going dutch

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE
well, near there; I just want to get this over with

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS
We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends

VOCABULARY

WOMEN'S VOCABULARY

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is Important.
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole.

MEN'S VOCABULARY

"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired" = I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you're making such a big deal about this.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
(while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
"I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = I am gay.

HE SAYS SHE SAYS

A man is a person who, if a woman says, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," lets her.

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her, gets mad.

A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she gets mad, says, "Now what are you mad about?"

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she gets mad, and he says, "Now what are you mad about?" says, "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you."

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