I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1958

INTERNET QUIZ

Have you been spending more and more time using the Internet? Have your cheeks taken on that pasty white glow from over-exposure to your computer monitor? How do you know if you're addicted to the Net and losing touch with reality? Take the Net Addict's Reality Test.

Answer the following multiple choice questions and check out your score to see if you should be concerned:

1. What do you think are good names for children?
a) Scott and Jenny.
b) Bill Gates IV.
c) Mozilla and Dotcom.

2. What's a telephone?
a) A thing with a round dial you use to talk to others.
b) A telecommunications device with 12 keys.
c) Something you plug into a modem.

3. Which punctuation is most correct?
a) I had a wonderful day!
b) I had a **wonderful** day!!!
c) I had a wonderful day :-)

4. You wake up at 4:00 a.m. and decide to:
a) Visit the washroom.
b) Raid the fridge.
c) Check your E-mail.

5. What are RAM and ROM?
a) A male sheep and a city in Italy.
b) Hulking stars of the WWF.
c) I need more of the former and should upgrade the latter.

6. To avoid a virus you should:
a) Stay away from people who sneeze and cough.
b) Never read E-mail titled "Good Times".
c) Use virus scanning software every time you boot up.

7. When you want to buy something hard-to-find you:
a) Ask friends where to purchase it.
b) Check out the Yellow Pages.
c) Go to Yahoo!

8. When you don't understand how to use a new appliance you:
a) Call the retailer.
b) Call the manufacturer's toll-free number.
c) Visit the manufacturer's Web site and look for the FAQ.

9. When you want to see all the beautiful people you:
a) Visit a club on a Saturday night.
b) Turn on the TV and tune in to Baywatch.
c) Check out the alt.binary newsgroups.

10. How do you introduce yourself at a party?
a) Hi, I'm Jane!
b) Hi, I'm a Taurus on the cusp.
c) Hi, I'm a 5'10" hot blonde with a super bod.

11. When you're interested in someone at a party you say:
a) Tell me more about yourself.
b) What's your star sign?
c) What's your Profile?

12. If you really like the person, you say:
a) Could you tell me your phone number?
b) What's your E-mail address?
c) Let's chat Private.

13. When I say spam, you think:
a) Ham in a can.
b) Unsolicited advertising E-mail.
c) I mailbomb all spammers!

14. When you receive an AOL trial diskette, you say:
a) I don't need another mug coaster.
b) Great! I'll reformat and use it for backups.
c) Great! I'll sign up under a fake ID and use up the 50 hours.

15. When you want to research a reference you:
a) Open up a volume of your encyclopedia.
b) Slip Encarta in your CD-ROM drive.
c) Go to www.altavista.digital.com.

16. When you write a letter you:
a) Put pencil to paper.
b) Open Eudora.
c) Ask: What's a letter? Is it like E-mail?

17. Different types of text formatting include:
a) Writing and printing.
b) Underline and double-strike.
c) Bold and italic.

18. You correct errors using:
a) An eraser.
b) White-out.
c) Backspace or delete.

19. You sign your name:
a) Best regards, John Smith.
b) See you in IRC, John_Smith.
c) Check out my home page for the cool links, johnsmith@aol.com.

20. To keep a copy of your letter you:
a) Insert a carbon and a second sheet.
b) Take it to the photocopier.
c) Check your Sent Mail folder.

SCORING: Give yourself zero points for each "a" response, five for each "b" and 10 for each "c".

If you scored 150 or higher, unplug your computer and log more hours in real life.

If you scored between 50 and 145, you're living a good mix of Net and reality.

ABBREVIATIONS

PC : Pretty Crappy

PENTIUM : Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

PCMCIA : People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN : It Still Does Nothing

SCSI : System Can't See It

CD-ROM : Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

MIPS : Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

RISC : Reduced Into Silly Code

APPLE : Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

DEC : Do Expect Cuts

IBM : I Blame Microsoft

BASIC : Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

LISP : Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis

COBOL : Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

OS/2 : Obsolete Soon, Too.

DOS : Defective Operating System

WINDOWS : Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

COMPUTER JARGON

State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

Syntax Error - Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.

GUI (pronounced gooey) - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.

Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen.

Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

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