Dear Anon,
We are so very pleased that you have written to complain about us. We are also glad that you are such a well tempered person (unlike Smutton). However, we feel it necessary to correct you. The reason the Society is writing hate mail is simply because the people at MacNews like it. Smutton, especially, is so very excited that people love hating him. In fact, because of our mail, he was able to write a three-column article (which was interesting too). Also, we already have "loser" tattooed across our foreheads. If you want to find out who we are and teach us how to be nicer/kinder people (we try very hard!), just look for the idiots with decorated brows.
Your friend,
The Anti-Smutton Society
Dear Desperado,
Okaaaaay, cuz the Mighty Mighty Bosstones are ska/punk?!? Since when? You think the Bosstones are so good? I had the misfortune of seeing them live at the Warped Tour this past summer in London, and they sucked! If you want good music played in the morning, then play some GOOD Ska, Puck or Hardcore. It will wake everyone right up, and put most people in a good mood. The Ska, Punk and Hardcore scenes are all about unity and acceptance. Some people in this skewl (deliberate spelling mistake to emphasize coolness) would benefit from listening to the music and learning what the Punk scene is all about.
Rainbo Brite
Hi. I don't get any mail so this article is completely useless.
See ya!
(Longing for mail) Stoopid Head
The night has arrived. The night when little green, yellow, black, blue, and red men/women will prance around on our television sets. All to light a giant candle. One shaped like a flower which any Viking would use to burn down a village.
We all know that Elvis, the king of Rock and Roll, is destined to win Olympic Gold, but what of the other Canadians? Are they destined to win? The following is a run-down of who I think will win each event.
Until the closing events, enjoy!
Smutton (With help from the MacNews Crew)
If there's one thing that ticks me off, it's English teachers! They go around, parading their knowledge of verbs, adjectives, and Margaret Atwood, as if any of these things mean anything to the general public. Their classes are 98% boredom, and the other 2%? I dunno, I skipped that one class.
In my English class, the good student gets better, yet the student who starts the year off struggling continues to falter as the months go by. One student in my class gets perfect on almost every assignment. Now, I've got nothing against this person, but the fact that no matter what he or she writes always gets 90's leads me to believe that there is some sort of a conspiracy going on. I've always gotten marks in the 70's range this year, and I'm getting sick and tired of it! I only ask that English teachers treat every assignment fairly. Don't just base it on how many times a suck-up uses a thesaurus.
That is all I have to say for now.
Stumbleine
Hello. Your old pal (or hated enemy) Stoopid Head here with an important announcement:
Whatever you're doing tonight, cancel it. Why? The first of a bunch of new South Park episodes, entitled Damien, airs tonight at midnight on Global.
In Damien, the new kid in school turns out to be the son of Satan who's really mean to everybody. He turns Kenny into a duckbilled platypus, and angers the children to the point that they call in Jesus from Jesus and Pals to have a battle with Satan on Pay-Per-View. I won't tell you the rest as not to spoil the ending for you (not because I don't know the rest).
Also, look for an R-Rated South Park feature film, the SP kids on the cover of Rolling Stone, an episode with Natasha Henstridge (the chick from Species) as a guest voice, an album by the Chef (the guy who used to sing Shaft, Issac Hayes), and South Park airing in Britain in June.
That's all for today.
See ya!
(The one and only) Stoopid Head
The Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary defines "freak" as "one who is markedly unusual or abnormal".
Freaks have been misunderstood all over the world. They have been treated as "inferior" people, and have been snubbed by "normal" people. As a freak, I will try to explain our ways, and let normality see our world.
Freaks can never be normal. Freaks, by definition, are abnormal, so as soon as they become normal, they are no longer freaks. Normal freaks are oxymoronic. It's like "abnormal normality", or "normal abnormality". It just doesn't work. Some people say that if more than half of the people in the world are freaks, then freaks would be normal. This is not true. If freaks outnumber other people, normality would cease to be normal, and freaks would no longer be freaks. Their positions would be reversed. This means that ex-freaks can be normal, but current freaks still cannot be normal.
There are many different types of freaks. They can be classified by their behaviour, and also by how much of their time they spend as freaks. Freakish behaviour ranges from minor obsessions to full-blown insanity. Some freaks spend all their time as freaks. These are known as "permafreaks". Others are freaks only sometimes, depending on the occasion and their mood. These freaks are just known as "freaks", because they are the most common kind. The last type of freak, the "freakaholic", is only freaky on a schedule. For example, some freakaholics only act freaky right after breakfast, while others act freaky one day every week. Some freaks can be classified as "freakaholics" and "freaks" at the same time. These freaks become freaky on a schedule, but also on special occasions.
Hopefully, you normal people now understand us freaks a little better. With any luck, we may come to a mutual understanding and drop the superior/inferior behaviour. If you wish to learn more about freakish behaviour, drop into Room 114 after school on Thursdays, and observe! I am not responsible for the consequences.
Nony LaSouris
that insist on playing my guitar even though you're not allowed. I'm writing this note to tell you that if and when I find you I will make you eat all the picks you have stolen from me and I will impale you on a music stand. You're an inconsiderate F@#$, and if you don't own a guitar (hence you never bought a guitar), you have no right to play mine or anyone elses's.
You're probably really ugly.
Very Mad Shortie
I'm turning seventeen in less than a month but, for some reason, my blood wasn't good enough for the Red Cross.
Why can't everybody give blood? We give our blood to the doctors all the time, so how is this any different? We wouldn't freak out at the sight of blood! We wouldn't scream like babies as soon as the needle made its first appearance! We wouldn't demand a reward and we definitely wouldn't expect to get our blood back if it wasn't used.
It's not true that seventeen-year-olds are more mature than sixteen-year-olds. Since I'll be seventeen soon, I think I'm about as mature as I'm going to get this year.
I've got a lot of love and a lot of blood to give (stop laughing) so I want to help out people. Is the Red Cross trying to tell me that only seventeen-year-olds have good blood?
What a bloody outrage! Heh heh heh.........get it?
Nevermind....
(:CHEEKY:)
As in pie in the face, not 3.141592654
Recently, Bill Gates was bombarded by two ballistic projectiles, namely pies (coconut cream). I have compiled a list of people that deserve to share his frothy fate.
10. Keyboard Manufacturers
9. Don King
8. CRTC the guys that censor TV and radio
7. Sideshow Mel
6. Bill Clinton
5. Jerry Springer
4. Thing that follows the psycho genetics doctor in South Park
3. Kathy Lee Gifford
2. Tony Blair the P.M. of England
1. Monica Lewinsky whoops! That's already been done.
The Mad Irishman
Mr. Happy is a bad English student. Homework is to use each word in a sentence. Help Mr. Happy.