I'm sure many of you have tried the new root beer and cream soda under the name of Barq's. Isn't it interesting that it claims to be "old tyme root beer" that has been around for a hundred years. If it was indeed a century old, why hadn't we heard of it before? All of a sudden this commercial starring "Johnny" appears on Canadian television networks. And more recently a blind man apparently feels "the bite". Surprised that I hadn't heard of it before, I decided to check the label to see who the manufacturer was. The label read "Cocal-Cola Foods Ltd." All of a sudden I understood why it was so well advertised. But there was no explanation to why it hadn't been advertised before. After much thought I came to several conclusions. One of my conclusions was that Coca-Cola could be lying about the fact that its a hundred years old as a marketing scam. Another possible conclusion could be that the company could have existed for a hundred years but was not really widespread until Coca-Cola bought it.
I'll let you worry about these conclusions because all I care about now is the fact that it does really have "bite" and thaat I have been "bitten". Hey, what a great slogan for their next ad!
Dust of Gold
1. Weird notes in your locker, describing furniture in your room.
2. For some strange reason, every time you turn around, a person dressed in black says, "Soon! My lord, soon!"
3. During the wee hours of the morning, someone calls you saying, "It shall be done my liege."
4. Phone calls with someone breathing very, very hard. eg "HA! HA! HE! HE! HE! HE! HE!"
5. You recieve letters from a penpal in your community, the only thing is...... you don't have any penpals!! DUN! DUN! DUN!
6. You find your underwears/panties, scattered about your room and your window is open. The only thing is ..................YOU LIVE IN A CARDBOARD BOX AND THERE ARE NO WINDOWS!!!!!!!!!!!
7. You are searching for something to wear, and you find a minute tracer in the shape of a submarine!
8. You're walking down the street, and someone runs up to you and says....................... "I'M STALKING YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Xeno / Last Lantern
Hitler had six toes, Mussolini had six toes, Sofi the editor has six toes and Premier Mike has six toes. All these statements are completely and totally unverifiable. Mikey agreed to show the province his toes and put to rest all snickering and dirty looks. One, two, three, four, five. DAMN! He foiled us again. I, as a journalist watched other news reports to find more information on the subject and found out that his ex-wife has no recollection of any extra body part.
I believe that the Premier saved up money he stole from old ladies and the homeless and ran off to Switzerland for a quickie hack job and came back in time to pull the wool over the eyes of gullible Ontarian voters.
More details as they unfold.
Tony M. Nyphot
Excerpt from Two Men With Big Yellow Hats
circa 1980
Curious George Publishing
H: Just because I'm walking on my hat, it doesn't mean I have feet on my head.
U: ...or, just because I'm walking on my hat it doesn't mean I live in Pickering.
H: Quite true.
U: Y'know, if I had eyes in my pocket I could count my change.
H: Very profound.
U: Thank you.
H: ...and if I had eyes in my ears, I could see sounds.
U: Marvelous, simply marvelous.
H: So, how's Paddington bear?
U: He's in the wash.
H: Smooth, I like 'em nice and fluffy.
Homercles & Uncle Leo
This is editor for a day, Smutton giving my weekly editorial. Since this is probably the only time I'll be editor this year, I better give my best editorial now.
This editorial concerns the workload over the strike. Teachers have been informed NOT to give out homework to do during the work stoppage. This means that during the strike you should not do homework unless you personally wish to.
During the strike, I recommend that you do not just party, but do something constructive. Join the teachers in their protests if you are sided with them (and bring them some food if you can). Finish chores or get some extra cash from your job by requesting more hours.
This has been an editor's article.
Smutton, ex-temp. ed.
I had a wisdom tooth extracted last week, and nary a man can lay claim to a more hellish experience than that. I should have known better when I entered the oral surgeon's office and had to wait in between a screaming 27-year-old and a contingent from the Metro Zoo who had brought a lemur in for the same operation I was about to undergo. But I stood fast and convinced myself that things would not be so bad once the sweet intoxication of nitrous oxide swept over my body. I sat down in an ancient dentist's chair and awaited the mask. Instead I heard, "Doctor, we're out of nitrous." "Nicotine'll do the same thing. Give 'im a smoke." So I sat nervously in a dentist's chair sucking down my first du Maurier.
The doctor entered the room and started the necessary small-talk. As I had my head to the right to speak to him, I felt a jabbing pain in my left arm. "Just the i.v.," he said with a smirk. I soon faded into the darkness. I awoke with a startled sensation as I felt something in my mouth and something massive on my chest. It took me a while to wake up and realise that the doctor had his hand in my mouth up to the wrist, straining and struggling to pull out my tooth. His foot was braced squarely on my chest to give him leverage as he pulled. I returned to the darkness again, not under the influence of any drug but instead under the sheer terror of having a 250 pound man standing on my chest with his hand down my throat.
I awoke feeling sore and dazed. I wandered from the room looking for someone to blame, but my senses were askew from the drugs so I just tumbled about the hall. The doctor came up to me with a smile. "Here's your tooth. That wasn't so bad, was it?" I merely nodded and took my prize as I headed for the door. As I got outside, sensation returned to my extremities. It was at this time I wondered, "Where are my socks?!?"
Tetsujin 28
Dean, Dean
the slot machine
Was rejected for a loan
because they didn't condone
his constant gambling
which kept him scrambling
to his stock broker
for money for poker
So, he broke the bank
with a mother of a tank
Was caught by the police
but made no peace
so they show him in the back,
the no-good at blackjack
He was stiff as a rock
before he could pick the lock
Poor Dean
could have seen
his lifelong dream
of having so much green
But died without a fret
in an elaborate game of Russian Roulette
Homercles & Uncle Leo