If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter? If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from? If there is no God, who pops up the next kleenex in the box? When a cow laughs, does milk come out of it's nose? Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through teller machines? How did a fool and his money get together? If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon to the pan? How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? What's another word for thesaurus? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? What do they use to ship Styrofoam? Why is abbreviation such a long word? Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container? Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? When you choke a smurf, what colour do they turn? Does fuzzy logic tickle? Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs? Do they have reserved parking for non'handicapped people at the special Olympics? Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one? Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives? If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer? What was the best thing before sliced bread? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Can fat people go skinny-dipping? Can you be a closet claustrophobic? Is it possible to be totally partial? If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off? If a stealth bomber crashes in the forest, does it make a sound? If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites? Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds? Why do people sin "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when they're already there? Why do people say "tuna fish" if they don't say "beef mammal" or "chicken bird?"
Chrissy, editor
In my eyes, Nirvana Jr is a label silverchair have been trying to lift off. It seems very apparent in the last two albums and while sophomore flop Neon Show was a less then stellar effort in experimentation Neon Ballroom takes all of the mistakes and turns them into wonderful tracks.
First track Emotion Sickness (featuring David Helfgot on piano who the movie Shine is about) is an orchestral masterpieces in the vein of The Smashing Pumpkins Tonight Tonight and first single/mosh pit ready Anthem for the year 2000 is as full of energy as anything on Frogstomp featuring Daniel John's best impression of KoRn's John Davies. While there are a lot of heavy rock tunes like Spawned Again he disc truly shines on the softer tracks like Anna's Soung (Open Fire) and Black Tangled Heart which is probably the only alternative rock song with strings that DOES not sound like Bush's Glycerine.
Unique and powerful Neon Ballroom is an excellent CD in a genre full of mediocrity. One of the best CDs to be released so far.
**** 1/2 out of 5.
Jaded and Elated
Remember those days in elementary school when girls thought boys had cooties and boys thought girls were yucky?
It's weird how young we were when the gender gap emerged. The boys were often wittier or just more insensitive when it came to obnoxious remarks. They seemed to have a knack for making girls cry.
Girls can't play sports...
You throw like a girl...
Girls are crybabies...
Girls are wimps...
Ew, you're playing with a girl...
The most pathetic part is that they get worse in high school. Other than the fact that their vocabulary has expanded (for some at least), the message is still the same: Girls are the weaker sex.
Well, just for once, I would like a guy to experience labour pains as most of us ladies will one day inevitably face. I know it sounds repulsive to think of a pregnant guy, but I'm curious. And for all those skeptics out there saying that it's impossible for a man to carry a child, just you wait. Medical science will one day provide you with the luxury. Did you really think the movie Junior was just for entertainment value? It was pure propaganda to inspire some deranged genius to hypothesize on.
dandypratt
You know what I think? I think women are very different people. Not necessarily bad or anything. Just different. Sometimes they are just moody. For instance, you honestly out of good will complement them and what you get in return is not a simple thank you but a cold remark. Like this:
"So you look great today." "What did you say?" "Well, I said you look great?" "So what you saying is that I look bad every other day?"
Or they can be bad hypocrites. Time to time, guys will wrestle or compete in sports. They will say: "Guys are so competitive." Yeah right like they don't compete with each other. When they slap on those clothes and that make up, you telling me that ain't a competition for attention??? And they always think they are more mature than us. From the way we act to the way we eat. I don't know but if having a little fun joking around with friends is immature then it's all good. And my God, are they sensitive about their weight. Commenting on their weight is worse than cursing their family. They can be angels one minute and than hell's angels the next. I am not saying that there is anything wrong. Just different. Hey, they are the one of the reasons worth living for in this hellhole anyways.
Dante
The new website address for MacNews Online is...
However, the other address is still available to be used by all people. It is...
We would like to apologise profusely to Sofi, former ed., for going against her vote.
The One-Armed Men
Alright, March 21st was supposed to be the first day of Spring. Then we got flurries. Many ask, "What the hell is going on here?" Well, I have got the answer. You see, there are these little spring fairies and they go about sprinkling happy little spring stuff all over the place. However, the really bad winter midgets have decided to stay around for a while, so they beat the fairies into submission. Yes, it's true, don't laugh.
Starchild
Sofi
"Won't you take me to Honkeytown."
Recently, I had the chance to tour Queens University on their Open House day during the March break.
The campus was beautiful, with buildings dating back as far as the 1800s.
There was only one problem. I got a strange feeling that I just couldn't place. The whole place felt like a community, but there was something missing.
"That's it!" I cried. "No minorities!" I felt as if a large weight was lifted from my back.
"Hurrah. Hurrah!" I yelled at the top of my voice...wait a minute, that sucks! Don't minorities go to University?
This is some kind of weird Aaron Spelling show. I don't understand, everywhere I look all I see are clean cut young crackers. What's up with that?
Send any comments to the MacNews box, thanks.
Hecubis
I hate these damned law cases. It's totally screwing up everything around me. Anyone I call, namely Braindead, is so jaded with research that we start talking about Baltovich, and blah, blah, blah!!!!!!!!!!! I move that law trials be banished forever, and be replaced with free time to watch The Simpsons.
Starchild
Doesn't anyone see a problem with the library? They spend a lot of money on new computers, supposedly to give us a better opportunity to learn, but they don't spend any money on new software. This school has around 1700 people, and only three computers in the library that have the damn internet! The old computers have programs that no one ever uses and the library decided to spend valuable money on new computers with the same old programs that still no one uses! It's a conspiracy!
conspiracy boy!
Preserve the nature and health! Our health, that is. The sight of some washrooms truly turned some faces green, and that ain't nothing yet. Over thirty schools in Toronto reported acts of outright vandalism. So looking back on the strike, what was it? A wonderful opportunity for mischeif and vandalism or a commie takeover (which is pretty much the same)?
Personally I was very much annoyed by the entire incident, what was the point? Even with the strike on, negotiations broke down. So with or without the strike, pretty much nothing was accomplished. And as for those poor people on the pickets, I couldn't help feeling sorry for them, exercising their right to strike.
But as for the point, the point is that the government now has an excuse for enforcing school uniforms and making more rules. Alas we have only ourselves to blame.
P.S. Hail People's Liberation Army.
AK-47