Aleister Crowley:
Halloween in Cairo

Halloween in Cairo sounds scary to me. Should I dress up as the Sphinx, King Tut, or Indiana Jones? I don’t know why I let my boss Sage talk me into going to Egypt to learn about Halloween -- I mean, it just doesn’t make sense. He gave me the address of a Prince Chioa Khan, so that I might discuss the principles of the Spooky Festival. What in the world would a Prince in Cairo know about an American-English holiday? I intended to find out!

I came upon the house that I was to visit, and by the looks of it, I was going to be in for a real treat (which is better than a trick, as you will find out!) There was a rotting pigeon hanging from a talisman, and burnt pentagrams on either side of the door. I cautiously knocked on the door while cursing Sage for the trouble he gets me into. The door was opened by a beautiful young damsel, who said she was Princess Khan. She said, “Come in, the Great Khan awaits you.” I started to wonder if this was the Great Ghengis Khan.

There he was, sitting inside a circle of burning candles, removing his turban with a diamond aigrette, to reveal a big bald head. I said, “Howdy! I always thought you had long hair and a big beard, but you’re bald, and you don’t even look Chinese!” He replied, “Sit down ,stupid, and enjoy the incense.” I sat down in front of the glowing flames and sniffed the pleasant air. He explained that he was expecting a visit from his Holy Guardian Angel, ‘Aiwass’. He went on to say that ‘Aiwass’ was a messenger from the Forces ruling Earth at this present time. I said, “Chill out Chief, I came to find out about Halloween, not to listen to Genghis Khan talk about his hallucinations.” He said, “I’m not that Khan -- I’m Aleister Crowley; Chioa Khan is just my Egyptian name!” I swallowed a hard lump and remembered that this was the self-proclaimed reincarnation of the Devil. He was notorious for sacrifices, torture, Black Magic, and was the founder of the Silver Star occult. He saw the fear in my face and said as he laughed, “Relax, I’m not going to sacrifice anybody today!”

I felt a slight sense of relief, although this was not desired company. I asked to know more about who this visitor ‘Aiwass’ was, and what his visit meant. He said that for years he had not been in touch with the ‘Mahatmas’ (secret Chiefs who rule the evil demons and spirits) and now he had been in contact with one. He went on to tell me that Aiwass had dictated the ‘Book of Law’, which became his philosophy of life. He said the heart of his magic was derived from this book. I asked him what brought him down this road of Satan worship. He replied “ My pious mother started calling me The Beast when I was a child; she thought I came out of the depths of the sea with horns on my head, blaspheming God.” I said “My Mom called me a little devil too, but I never sacrificed anybody!”

Crowley asked me what I believed in, and what I preached about. A question like that is easy to answer. I said, “I preach the relaxation of man through the indulgence of fine cigars!” He smiled and quoted from his book of law, “Be strong, O Man! Lust, enjoy all things of sense and rapture: fear not that any God shall deny thee for this.” I couldn’t agree more (as long as it was somewhat legal). If that was his philosophy on life, what made his reputation so bad.

I asked him why he was known as such an evil person. Crowley explained he had done some things that were blown out of proportion. He told me about the time he led a group of comrades to Kanchejunga (a Persian mountain) in 1910 and abandoned them, being the only one to return. He explained that being a survivor does not make one evil. I thought about that movie ‘ALIVE!’ and wondered how he made it out of the frozen Persian mountains. I asked him about human sacrifice. He told me that he had only sacrificed a living frog, and that all the stories about human sacrifice were greatly exaggerated. He said, “My sacrifices are of the flesh -- I indulge in acts of sexual magic: the ritual of maithuna.” (sexual union) I said, “You should have a cigar, you seem to be getting a little worked up!” I handed him a hand-rolled beauty that he marveled at for a moment; I’m sure he was thinking of the sizeable holes he could burn in someone’s body. As he enjoyed the cigar I asked what he meant by ‘maithuna’. He said, “The mind, breath and semen are held still.” I didn’t understand what he meant, but that was all I needed to hear on that subject.

I told him that Jimmy Page of Led Zeppelin now lives in his famous "Abbey" (Crowley’s home in England, where he supposedly committed crimes against morality). He told me that Jimmy was cursed and would be forever remembered as a ‘weirdo’ (speak for yourself!). I said, “I know where Jimmy Page got his money to buy your castle,... but where did you come up with that kind of dough?” He explained to me that his father was the brewer for ‘Crowley’s Ale’, and that his Dad had left him a small fortune. I asked if he had any of those cold ales in the house. He told me he was fresh out. I didn’t believe him -- after all, he wrote the “Book of Lies”.

He asked for another cigar and said, while lighting it, “Let the Adept be armed with his Magical Rood and provided with his Mystic Rose”. I said, “Hey, I think I understand the philosophy of your words.”... which meant I was in big trouble. I told him about my adventures to seek knowledge about the pleasures of life, and that everyone I came across agreed: nothing is more relaxing than smoking a fine hand-rolled cigar! He told me he understood.

He asked if I would leave before his guest arrived. I wanted to leave his forsaken flat, but I couldn’t... not just yet. I had not gotten the answer to what Halloween meant. I asked The Beast for a reply. Crowley said that Halloween was celebrated just to make fun of the evil spirits; so that throughout the rest of the year, we wouldn’t live in fear of what we live with every day.

I said good night to Mr. Crowley before the sun went down. He said, “Good tidings, and don’t ever stop pursuing ‘maithuna’!” I said, “Or a good cigar!” (I think I’ll stick to cigars) I gave him some cigars to enjoy with his buddy Aiwass, and he gave me a rotten candle with a pentagram on it. I don’t know if Aleister Crowley was an atheist, satanic, evil, the Devil himself, or just misunderstood. Although I will say that his Dad’s beer was good stuff, and that he knew the answer for Halloween. I now realized why Sage sent me to see Crowley: to face the fear of ignorance -- something we live with every day.

What can you expect from a guy “who behaved as if the World was an exhaltation of his own being, choking with guilt from having set himself up in God’s place.”