Images of camp life flashed before her eyes as she recalled parts of her sordid past.  Xena saw with clarity what she'd refused to see at the time.  Her stomach rolled with the admission.

Her lover moved against her.  Xena felt a kiss on her collar bone.  Then another between her breasts.  She stiffened.  Gabrielle couldn't see Xena in the darkness but she sensed the warrior's darkening mood. "Xena?" she whispered.  "What is it, Xena."  When she got no response the bard wrapped her arms around the warrior and held her close.

"Talk to me, love.  You're upset about something.  No, you're hurting. What is it!"  With a deep sigh of regret the warrior's hands came up and caressed Gabrielle's face.  "I was such a bastard, Gabrielle.  I don't know how you can love me...I..I did so many horrible, unspeakable things to so...many people.  And my men...I refused to see...they raped and killed...just like Patra."  Xena grew more rigid as she talked. Gabrielle knew Xena had to work her feelings through before she could attempt to console her.

"I did nothing...I only saw what I wanted to see.  I'm as guilty as they are." she said through gritted teeth.  Xena's arm went over her eyes, trying to stop the flow of tears.  The muscles in her face contorted in an effort to maintain emotional control.

It broke Gabrielle's heart to see her beloved hurting this way.  She knew how important a sense of control was to the woman.  "As good a leader as you undoubtedly were Xena, you aren't responsible for who and what your soldiers chose to be.  You can't live their lives for them.  No one should expect you to."  She paused and drew a deep breath.  "Did *you* rape...anyone...while you were a warlord?" she tentatively asked.   Xena's arm flew away from her face and hit the bed.  She laughed harshly.  "I didn't have to.  It was more...enjoyable..to seduce...to break someone's will...have them *give* themselves to me.  How can you bear to even touch me, knowing this?!  I know what I was, what I am...a monster."  She rolled away from her lover and sat up, head between her callused hands.

Gabrielle fumbled with a candle by the bedside.  She wiped her eyes and slowly ran a hand over her face.  "Xena, please.  Listen to me here.  We are all responsible for our own actions.  Life is hard enough without taking on the sins of someone else.  Its as simple as that.  No one expects you to have eyes in the back of your head or be a mind reader.  I know you have *many* skills my darling, but I don't think those are on your list."  She stood between the knees of her warrior and gently caressed her cheek.

Xena took a shuddering breath in and slowly expelled it.  "I love you so very much, my bard.  I guess we all have our own reparations to make.  Whether I'm guilty or not is really not important right now.  We have to do something for that girl.  There I go again; being a selfish brute, a heartless warrior."  Xena looked haunted, reliving some of the more horrific parts of her life.

Gabrielle helped Xena remove her armour.  Then she encouraged her to remove her leathers.  Soon both women were in their sleep shifts and sat curled against the head board, the tray of food in front of them.

As they nibbled their fod, Gabrielle could see her friend was still troubled.  When they had finished eating she sat up and removed the tray.  "Xena, roll over.  You look so tense.  I know just what you need.  Trust me.  A back massage will smooth out all of those muscles." said the bard as she slapped the warrior's tummy with the back of her hand.  Gabrielle was getting very good at pulling Xena out of her funks.  Hades, she'd had over two years of on the job training.  She'd better be good by now.

"That does sound good love, but I think I need to be clean first." said Xena as she began to strip off.  No matter how many times the bard had seen Xena nude her reaction was always the same:  completely, utterly awestruck.  The casual grace of the woman, the play of muscles beneath her bronze skin encited the bard to a state of passion unequaled.  She removed her own shift and carefully entered the now cold water mere seconds after Xena did.  They both slowly removed the travel grime and washed each other's hair.

The playful and passionate Xena from the last couple of days was gone, replaced by a pensive, withdrawn one.  Gabrielle felt helpless.  She wanted to, no she needed to help Xena.

The warrior quickly rose from the bath and dried herself.  Gabrielle followed, trying to make easy conversation.  She punctuated each sentence with a casual touch, a caress.  At first the warrior was stiff and unresponsive.  The bard began moving them both to the bed and Xena dropped her towel and lay on her stomach.

Soon the tension was relieved from the warrior's taught shoulders. Gabrielle could feel each muscle loosen beneath her skilled fingers.  She swept Xena's hair off her back and slowly kissed her lover's shoulder blade.  She was somewhat startled when Xena rolled over and held the bard's hands.  "I can't do this, Gabrielle, not right now.  Please understand.  Its not you, its just...I'm not very comfortable being me right now."  Gabrielle lowered her head and calmly replied that she understood.  Xena saw that the bard didn't.  The images of the
men she'd seduced, rendered helpless, filled her thoughts.  She couldn't make love to Gabrielle now.  She felt unworthy.  She pulled on her shift and lay beneath the covers.  A weariness stole over her and she closed her eyes.  Both women knew Xena wouldn't be able to sleep this night.

The bard sat watching.  Xena needed to let her guard back down.  The bard felt a lone tear drip from her eye.  The difference between she and the warior was that Gabrielle felt everything and verbally expressed each experience willingly.  Xena, on the other hand, saw emotions as things to be hidden, mastered.  To express emotions was a sign of weakness.  It had taken the bard over two years to break into Xena's hard exterior.  She loved the woman beneath it.  That she was so ardent didn't surprise the bard.  That she had a sense of humour and an easy joy to her did.  But each of these traits were hard to find.  One had to look past the harsh facade to find the warm and passionate woman deep below the surface.

Gabrielle slowly removed her damp towel and slid between the sheets. She drew close to her lover and began to caress her shoulders.  Xena rolled over and in the faint candle light Gabrielle saw eyes bright with unshed tears.  She took Xena's face in her soft hands and deeply kissed the woman.  "How can I love you?  How can I not."  Xena took her lover into a fierce embrace.  All of her fears about the past and future were clearly written on her face.  Slowly, her eyes began to glitter with smokey passion.  She'd put away her dark thoughts for another time.

They made love slowly, deliberately, as if for the first or the last time.  It was almost dawn when they finally fell into an exhausted slumber.

To:  Ardent Warrior...Passionate Bard...Jealous Queen part 3 ch. 1