Irish Jokes

Paddy was picked up on a rape charge.
He was placed in a lineup with ten other fellows and
the accusing woman was escorted into the room.
Paddy jumped forward, and screamed
"That's her! That's her! Oi'd recognize her anywhere!"

"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client.
"Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"
"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."
The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"
"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed."
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again.
"Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?"
"Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows
anything about the connubial." Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on.
"What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."
"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box,
let alone grounds." "Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation,
"you need a reason that the court can consider.
What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"
"Ah, well now," said the lady,
"Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."

Tim Kelly was walking through a dim passageway
when someone spoke to him.
"Good evenin', Kelly," said the muffled figure.
"Don't ye be knowin' your old friend Grogan any more?"
Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandages and adhesive
plaster. One arm was in a sling and he was leaning on a crutch.
"Saints!" cried Kelly. "Was ye hit by a train, Grogan,
or did ye merely jump from the trestle?"
"It could've been both," said Grogan, "considerin' the feel of it.
But the truth is, I was in bed with Murphy's wife when Murphy himself
comes in with a murtherin' big shillelagh in his hand,
and the inconsiderate creature beat the livin' bejazus outa me."
"He did indade," said Kelly. "But couldn't ye defend y'rself, Grogan?
Hadn't ye nothin' in your own hand?"
"Only Mrs. Murphy's ass," said Grogan.
"It's a beautiful thing in itself, butnot worth a dom in a fight."

As soon as she had finished parochial school,
a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes
and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer
in show business.
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night
went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child.
In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her
work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy
to show him the kind of thing she did on stage.
She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan,
she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips.
Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies.
They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other:
"Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night,
and me without me bloomers on!"

Q: What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime?
A: Paddy O'Furniture!

When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland,
what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes!