MY TESTIMONY

Ever since I can remember, I ve always desired to know the truth - the truth in all things. Mom and Dad raised me to know right from wrong. Being raised by devout Catholic parents, I can remember learning the Ten Commandments before learning to read. Then, I learned to read the Ten Commandments. My favorite book was a huge children s Bible with its many colorful pictures of well known Old Testament characters in scenes from the important events in their lives. I don t remember whether I actually read the stories, or if I was read to and just remember the pictures. But I do remember that God was very real to me, even if I didn t fully understand due to my age. And I remember that I always wanted to live my life to please God, and my parents.

As an adolescent, I thought that all people knew God as I knew Him to be. I knew that Jesus was a very special person, the one who would take me to heaven when I died if I was a good Catholic. As I got older, I remember learning, probably from Mom, that a person had to be Catholic to get to heaven - the only true religion was Catholicism. So I learned how to be a good Catholic, attending Catholic schools through the fifth grade. I believed that I and all my classmates were living our lives according to God s purpose.

When I reached the sixth grade, I was introduced to the public school system and the real world. I remember meeting kids who had divorced parents, kids who didn t go to church at least once a week, kids that smoked and skipped classes, etc. And I adapted to the Godless world, all too well in time.

Many of my friends in public school were Catholic. I d see them at church on Sunday and attend Sunday school with them after the service. Within two years of entering public school, I noticed that my Catholic friends behaved more like all the other kids. They would steal, cheat, lie, fight, talk filthy, etc. Now, I m not claiming to be purely innocent of sin, but I at least had a conscience. And I really wasn t a bad kid.

Up until about the ninth or tenth grade, the truth for me was that the Catholic faith was the one true faith, the church established by Jesus Christ. Being raised in a Catholic family and surrounded by Catholics in school for the first ten years of my life led me to believe that everyone was living, or was supposed to be living, to please God so that they would be accepted into heaven. I was beginning to see that there was no truth in believing everyone was living to please God. And many people didn t even believe in God! How could they not?

Well, at least I was in the presence of the saints each Sunday at Mass, or so I thought. But then I became aware of the lack of enthusiasm that permeated the services. Most of the sermons were very brief, usually lasting no longer than ten minutes, which was fortunate because most sermons were very dry. I also began to notice that the parishioners seemed to be attending only out of a sense of duty, because if they really wanted to worship God, wouldn t they show more joy and enthusiasm? Another indication of something not quite right was the rigid, repetitive structure of the service. Practically everyone went through the service in a mindless state with no thought about the prayers being said, for the prayers were recited from memory or read as a response to an initiative verse. The required responses did not come from one s heart. I began to question the value of prayer the way I was taught to pray. Maybe I was not praying the way my teachers meant for me to pray? But, I realized that if there was any truth in what I was taught, then I should feel something good as a result of earnestly practicing my faith. Instead, I felt nothing - the same nothing that I could see most of those attending the services were feeling. My faith in Catholicism was deteriorating due to a lack of the presence of the Truth. What other reason could there be for my eroding faith?

At the beginning of summer vacation after the ninth or tenth grade, I just had to know the Truth. So I began to read a King James Version of the Bible from the beginning. I didn t understand very much of the Old Testament. But when I reached the Gospels and learned more about Jesus teachings and life, I began to feel something inside my soul. I don t remember what exactly I was learning, but I do remember an excitement and joy. Could it be that I was learning the Truth?

One night, after making my way into or through Acts, and/or Romans, I was so thrilled with what I had read that I decided to pray directly to God, from my heart. That night in bed, for the first time in my life, I prayed. I really prayed! And I felt something - a closeness to God! And then, when I was finished praying, maybe even before I opened my eyes, I saw an incredibly intense light. When I opened my eyes, the first things I saw were the joints of the walls and ceiling at the corner of the room and the door. All I saw were lines. Absolutely no color was present due to the intense light. At practically the same instant, I saw my dresser and feet covered by the blanket - no color at all, just shapes of every object in my room bathed in a very bright, white light. A split second after opening my eyes, I knew that the source of the light was behind me. But my headboard was against the wall, and the shades at both windows behind my head were pulled down!? I began to tilt my head backward and at the same time blinked my eyes. Upon opening my eyes, I saw the intense light leave the bedroom as though it had substance. The light went through both windows just above my head and out of the room. I saw the light leave the room and ascend on the other side of the shades as water drains from a fish tank, only the light drained upward. My first thought was Jesus was here?! O joy! Then, I thought maybe Bob was playing a trick on me with a new spotlight, so I looked outside. Nothing but dark woods was behind the house. My next thought was that there isn t a manmade light of that intensity and surely not one that could move out of the room with corporeality.

I saw that light more than twenty years ago. And now, for the first time, I believe I understand what occurred that night.

But to understand what this event means to me, one must know where my relationship with God has been since that night. First, understand that I spent the first fifteen or so years of my life worshiping God as I was taught, practicing a religion that I was told was the one true religion. I did not question the authority behind Catholicism. From the time of my experience of what I believe was the presence of God, or at least one of His messengers, I have always questioned the authority of the Catholic church because I wanted to know the Truth. Whom can I trust to reveal the Truth to me? Whom can anyone trust their salvation to?

I stopped practicing the Catholic faith in earnest shortly after that wonderful light entered my room in response to my prayer. Unfortunately, I soon began to doubt that God really existed. The pleasures of the world which I was discovering as a teenager began to be my god(s). Hedonism was now my truth, and would be for about another fifteen years. Occasionally, I would return to the Catholic worship service in times of trouble, looking for emotional uplift. And on occasion, God would allow me to find some rest. But back to the false god of hedonism I would return.

When I was about thirty years old, loneliness and disgust with what I saw happening in the world led me to search for the truth once again. I was sure it was to be found in the Catholic faith - the problem had to be with me. So I bought several books, a rosary, some tracts on the Catholic faith, and began to read the Baltimore Catechism and a paraphrased version of the Bible, and tried with all my heart to be the best Catholic I could be.

The Baltimore Catechism didn t answer my questions, and I questioned quite a few of the answers the book gives to the questions presented within it. Truth should be obvious and exciting when found. Obviously, I didn t find much truth in Catholic doctrine. I must admit, there is some truth in the Baltimore Catechism and the Catholic faith, but what good is it if it isn t all Truth?

I learned to pray the rosary, but what good is repetitive prayer, and especially, why pray to someone other than God? I never could accept the position given to Mary, the mother of Jesus Christ, by the Catholic church. It is my understanding that Catholics believe that Jesus gave Mary a position in Heaven to intercede on our behalf. Wait a minute! I thought that Jesus was our intercessor and that there is no need of another. I became aware, once again, of how more than ever, Catholics around the world pray to Mary as though she can hear our prayers and influence the mind of God. Many people even revere her more than Jesus Christ. How foolish!

One of the books that I bought was on repentance. I was inspired by the words contained within its covers. So inspired, that somewhere midway through the book I began to pray to God, again the way I prayed that night I saw the Light. I recalled every sin I could remember committing, and was able to deeply feel the shame and regret for having sinned. I pleaded with Jesus, unto tears, to forgive my sins. As I lay on my bed crying with the most contrite heart I ve ever experienced, I began to shake and tingle all over. Then, all of a sudden I felt relief. I stopped shaking. The guilt, shame, and regret were replaced with peace. And I felt as though Jesus was there with me. Oh, the joy that overcame me! My prayer of repentance immediately turned into a prayer of Thanksgiving.

Because that book about repentance was written by a priest, confession was recommended in the last chapter. The author must have been a liberal Catholic, for I remember being surprised that he recommended confession, rather than commanding it. Because I wanted to be a good Catholic and please God, I thought maybe I should partake of the Sacrament of Penance. But I still had to ask why? I believed that no one but Jesus could forgive my sins. And I felt as though my sins had been forgiven that night I prayed myself to tears. After about three weeks, I decided I d give it a try. I could not remember the last time I set foot into a confessional. The whole time I proceeded to the church and waited until my turn to confess my sins to the priest behind the curtain, I did not feel it was God s will. As soon as I stepped into that confessional, I knew without a doubt that I was making a mistake. What hypocrisy! From that moment on, I knew that the Truth that would lead to salvation was not to be found in Catholicism. I stopped saying the rosary, stopped attending worship services, and returned to Hedonism.

About the time I left the Catholic faith for the second time in my life, I met Andrea. As soon as I saw her, I knew that I would marry her. I actually believed that it was God s will for us to be together forever. We had so much in common, or so it seemed at first. I gave up much of my hedonistic lifestyle for her affection. Andi became my god. I idolized her. And then I decided that God would become the god that I wanted Him to be. Everything was going my way. It was God s will (or so I thought).

Hindsight being twenty-twenty, I truly believe that it was God s will for Andi and me to marry. I believe that He actually answered my prayers. How better for me to learn, really learn the Truth, than for me to experience the lie. And as my marriage fell to pieces, I again sought the Lord. Oh what a refuge! The separation and divorce were made relatively painless as the sorrow in my heart was replaced by my love for God, and my desire to know the Truth.

My marriage counselor was the pastor at a nondenominational, fundamentalist, missionary church. His sermons, usually lasting thirty to forty minutes, seemed to be filled with the Truth. I was learning so much about the scriptures during his services, and the scriptures would come alive with Truth. During many of Pastor Gregory s sermons, I felt a joy inside my heart that I could not explain and tears would stream down my cheeks. Often, during his preaching, I would feel like shouting for joy. And maybe I would have shouted except that I didn t think it appropriate. Not appropriate - how foolish! I would hear others in the congregation, during his sermons, sniffling or breathing amens, hallelujahs, and other praises to God. But no one dared shout and disrupt the service!

I thought that I had at last found the Truth. The members of this missionary church seemed to be so close-knit, caring, and involved with each other in their praise of God. I even joined two Bible study groups. But after almost one year of fellowship at this church I began to question some of the doctrine taught there. And I began to sense a level of pride among the congregation, but especially in a church member I had the pleasure to work with. The pride she displayed in her righteousness began to annoy me very much as I got to know her better. And this church, like my co-worker, preached the get saved doctrine. She actually believed that she had achieved salvation! Well, once again, the whole Truth was lacking in this body of worshipers.

For me, if it s not the whole Truth, then it s a lie. I don t know why I believe this, but I m sure it has everything to do with the night I experienced the Light. That night I first opened my heart to God, He was there to plant a seed! Praise God! But I didn t know anyone who knew the Truth and could water that seed. I needed pure water to make that seed grow. I looked in different places for that pure water, and I believe it was God s will that I looked where I did and didn t find it. For now I know where that pure water, Truth, can t be found.

So what s keeping me from that pure water now that I ve found it? And I know that I ve found it. I can t find anything, and I mean anything, that does not agree with scripture in everything John Clark, Sr. (Pioneer Tract Society) is teaching. And what is even more amazing, wonderful, and glorious is that so much in the Old Testament and New Testament has been revealed to me. And it all fits together so perfectly! I could not have found the Truth in all my searching - it had to be revealed from Above! Praise God! Thank you Lord!

So what is keeping me from God s most sacred blessing, the baptism of the Holy Ghost? Is it because there is still a hint of doubt in my heart? But I ve never been more certain about the Truth. Then pride must be getting in the way. The sin of pride, the downfall of Satan, causes me to fail to do God s will. It is pride that causes me to be more concerned about what I believe others will think of me. How foolish! Why should God bless me when I disobey Him?

How can I fail to do God s will, after searching for the Truth for so long and having now found it? Am I trying too hard to understand God? Am I still negotiating for my terms?

Jesus said to be as little children. Did Jesus say this knowing that children will trust a trustworthy person when they do not necessarily understand what it is they are supposed to trust? And also, because children learn by imitating those people they know and trust? I pray that God will enable me to become as a child - humble, trusting, and imitating those I believe are filled with the Holy Ghost. If I learn to obey God s commands, there s no doubt in my mind and heart that He will baptize me so that I may have life!

• The incredibly intense light (visit by Jesus?) in my room the first time I truly prayed.
• The peace and joy I felt when I confessed my sins the second time in my life that I truly prayed.
• My quick recovery from divorce.
• While on the way home from work one day, praying to God because I knew that my marriage would end in divorce, I saw a deer by the road about to jump into my path as I was accelerating to 60 mph. My sense of timing told me that the deer would come through the windshield. But, in my state of prayer I did not panic. I just closed my eyes and braced for impact. I felt a jolt through the car at the same instant I heard a smack on the windshield right in front of my face. But no broken glass hit my face! I opened my eyes and looked back. There was no sign of the deer anywhere! It would have had to cross two more lanes of traffic at rush hour! It was, no doubt, a miracle. Also, the windshield didn t even crack! And a hair was caught between the glass and the chrome trim such that I could not pull it out.
• My relationship with Bob and Ellen is a testimony of God s presence in my life and theirs. Charlie introduced Andi to Bob, but there was no chemistry. A few months later I met Andi for a beer while on a job assignment in Greensboro where she lived. I knew then that I would marry her. Andi introduced her best friend, Ellen, to Bob. Ellen, who had the Holy Ghost and knew the Truth, would not marry Bob until he received the Holy Ghost. He did and they married. Then Andi and I married. We thought that Bob and Ellen were in a cult. Andi and I made God what we wanted Him to be. God gave me everything I asked for: a good job, a wife, and a house. These things took me further from God, but because He loves me, and has called me to be His, He took the secure jobs and wife away to bring me back to Him. And I have returned to the LORD. Praise God! And now I am experiencing more frequent occurrences of God s blessings! Thank you Jesus!
• On the trip home from Nashville at the end of June 1996, after a visit to the Church in Louisville, Kentucky, God touched my heart with an intensity I had not previously experienced. I felt an indescribable sensation (like electricity) well up within me, through my bones to my skin, which gave me goosebumps. But even greater than that, a joy and feeling of pure love filled my soul, causing me to laugh and cry at the same time, and praise and thank God for His love for me. This lasted for an hour or two? I don t know how long, but I didn t want it to end.
• Frequently, John s messages or other s testimonies will touch on exactly the subject of the scriptures I ve read, or the conversations I ve had with Bob and Ellen, the previous day(s). This has happened too often to be just coincidence. It is called being led by the Spirit. It strengthens my faith.
• One Wednesday, I felt like I needed to go to the evening meeting in Henderson, rather than the one in John s basement in Burlington. I believe that I gave one or two testimonies that night. While we were praying for Wendell and Caroline, Jim Gregory was on the floor praying and crying in the Spirit. He stood up and looked at me with a look that was just not of himself. And he told everyone (but I believed God was talking to me) that those of us seeking the Holy Ghost would have to bare our hearts and soul just like Christ was exposed on the cross. It was such a serious message from God that I started praying in earnest, even more so than the way I prayed the two nights of those incredible experiences described above. I began to feel something growing stronger inside and all around me. I knew then that the Power of God was upon me. An indescribable sensation came up through and inside me, in waves. I leapt up into the center of the room praising God. I was crying and laughing at the same time, and it felt so good! The blessing lasted a long time. I was so excited that I left the meeting and drove to Bob s. Bob called John to tell him about it and that I was on my way. When I got to Bob s, Ellen, Barbara, John, Cathy Tuck, and Donna were there and we praised God. And God touched me again. But I did not receive the Holy Ghost that evening.

Why do I believe the things I do? Not because someone told me that I must believe. Rather, I believe because God has led me to believe what I believe. I will trust God for the truth. I have questioned all the doctrines presented to me. I cannot believe a doctrine just because it is tradition and from a man who claims to have the authority from God. If a man (i.e. the pope) claims to have authority from God, would not that person also have power from God? What is that person s proof - why should I believe him? Would you trust your salvation, eternal life, with a man who claims authority, or would you trust God? One look at history should convince anyone that man cannot be trusted. Don t you think that God knows this? Where is the proof of the authority from God? The proof comes through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Jesus did not build His Church on Peter and the pope is not Christ s representative (Vicar) here on earth. The rock that the true Church was built upon is the Word of God, which comes through the Holy Ghost, Christ s true representative here on earth.

How can I know this? Because God has allowed me to see and hear the truth! If Peter was the first pope and the foundation the Church was built upon, then what a shaky foundation it was. Paul had to rebuke Peter when Peter gave in to the peer pressure he felt from the converted Jews. And just look at the history of the Catholic church! Illegitimate children, concubines, excessive wealth, etc.

Why do I trust what I believe now? I trusted the Catholic faith for a time, but did not find any comfort or satisfaction. I had a thirst for something more. Jesus said that the water he had to offer (His spirit) would satisfy. Obviously, Jesus spirit was not present or offered in the Catholic faith.

The Catholic church s most important doctrine is communion. The bread and wine are believed to be transformed (transubstantiation) into Christ s body and blood. But if you look at scripture, you will find that Jesus was talking about eating his body and blood in a figurative sense. Jesus told his disciples that the words he spoke were spirit (Jn. 6:63). Also, the word communion also means fellowship. The true communion should be a sharing of what each member of the body of Christ has to offer (e.g., testimonies).

The doctrine of the Trinity is a lie! For it says that the three persons are co- equal. But 1 Corinthians 15:24-28 says that the Son himself will be made subject to him (God the Father) who put everything under him (Jesus), so the God may be all in all. Also, the Holy Spirit is a spirit, not a person. The Holy Spirit is shared by God the Father with Jesus Christ and those God has baptized. If we have the Holy Ghost, then God would be more than a trinity, if there were any sense to the doctrine. In Proverbs 8:22-31, Jesus tells of his being the first and last thing God (the Father) created. Everything else was created through Jesus (verse 30).

December 19, 1996

I feel that I have grown much in the Lord since my last writing. I am not the same person I was before the Kentucky trip. The NC Church went to Kentucky over Thanksgiving. God truly blessed me during this trip. At the Friday night meeting, Judy received the Holy Ghost! I got prayed for like never before. I think that I ended up on the floor once or twice. At the end of the meeting, I was in the back of the hall still praying in earnest. Then I asked God to humble my heart and let me cry. And then I began to cry, and began to feel the power of God come over me. God was humbling my heart! It felt so good. It gave me hope!

Saturday was a day spent in waiting. All I wanted to do was have a meeting, even if my flesh didn t. I went to Jimmy and Marcella s that morning. When I saw Gary setting up microphones on the table for recording, my flesh tried to convince me to leave the house. But I knew that if I stayed, I would be asked to say something, and I knew that it would be good for me. Ellen was the first victim. Then Bob, and some others while everyone present just went about their business (some listened to the testimonies, while others chatted over coffee). Then, it was my turn. It seemed as though everyone gathered around the table as I took a seat at the mic. Gary asked some introductory questions, then Ellen told me to tell about my experience of the light in my room. I didn t feel that I did a good job telling it, but Bob said later that he felt electricity in my testimony and that it was working a change in me. I rather enjoyed testifying! I believe, now, that God was preparing, or shaping, or reworking me. Possibly for a blessing. Many of the testimonies touched my heart in a way that I had not previously experienced. Tears would come to my eyes as my heart was filled with love and joy! I was getting a lot of satisfaction from learning how God blessed others.

I woke up Sunday morning feeling like I was going to a wedding. Soon after the meeting started, everyone was standing up in a circle, singing and clapping their hands. My flesh did not want to go into that circle, but I knew what I wanted. And I knew that I did not want to end up stuck in my chair like the last couple of visits, only to condemn myself for being foolishly fearful.

I went up for prayer! I tried to surrender my will to God. Everytime I thought I was about to the point of surrender and belief, a thought of doubt, such as Is it me or is it God? would enter my mind. Finally, I felt something in control of my tongue. It is difficult to describe. But while repeating amen, I thought I heard, and felt, my voice coming from down in my chest, or heart. And I began to stutter. Then, another doubtful thought would come from I don t know where, and I d be back to amen. Finally, for a brief period of time, the stuttering turned to tongues. I thought I heard myself speaking in an incredibly beautiful language for maybe five seconds. But it was so loud in the room and I was exhausted.

After it quieted down a little, someone asked me if I was satisfied. I honestly had to reply that I wasn t. And then the doubt really settled in. The meeting continued with testimonies and music. I was tired, very tired. And unsatisfied. But I did feel different. The next day, I woke up feeling great. And maybe a little scared, too. Sitting around Jimmy and Marcella s, Gary was recording testimonies again. And the testimonies again touched my heart, filling me with joy such that I was crying inside and finding a satisfaction (peace and joy). I could feel that I was different! Then, all of a sudden, a thought hit me in an instant. It had to be from God. It hit me so sudden and unexpected, and was so complete and understood by my heart. God allowed me to know, or feel his love for me, and that He would bless me with a wife. I remember thinking God, you really do love me, and you would really bless me like that!? It hit me in the heart and felt so unbelievably good. I cried deep down inside for a minute. At the moment of that revelation from God, hope was restored. I knew that God loved me!

But then there was still some doubt about all that had happened that weekend. Where was the doubt coming from? I still had not spoken in tongues, even though I tried. Monday night, I left Little Jimmy and Sue s house for Marcella s. While running next door, I was thanking God and then found myself stuttering for a second or two. It surprised me. Some hope was restored. Later that night, I went to bed with doubt and confusion troubling my spirit. I prayed that God would take the doubt away. I fell asleep, then woke up a few hours later at about 2 o clock. I prayed again. I fell asleep with the same troubled feeling. But God gave me a dream. In my dream:

• I found myself sitting among people moving in a column, like a wagon train. But I m facing backward. And I have the same feeling of doubt and confusion that I went to bed with. I hear someone shout that Jesus is up ahead leading the way. As I turn my head to look for Jesus, the night sky explodes into intense, prismatic, radiating beams of light. My heart is suddenly filled with peace and joy. I remember in the dream feeling overwhelmed with love, peace, and joy, for I realized that I m going with Jesus. Then I have the thought, These people are just following John, (doubt trying to creep back in). But then I see John Clark standing beside the column, looking back in the direction from which we came. He is overseeing us on our journey to God, while Jesus is the one leading the way.

I wake up out of that dream filled with joy and thank God. Then I fall back asleep into another dream almost immediately:

• I see Andi (my ex-wife) step out of the shower in a motel room. I turn to leave because I do not want to be there. But the door will not open and the window next to it breaks. I try to fix the window, but can not. Andi says that the management will take care of it and not to worry about it. The manager then appears and says that she will fix it. I turn around and notice that the room is a mess, filled with everything I thought I had packed up (gotten out of my life). I put a few items in a box, then open a closet only to find more junk in the closet and in the room. Then I think, I don t want to be here. I thought I had gotten all this out of my life.

I believe that both dreams were from God. The first dream tells me that I am on my way to the Heavenly Kingdom. The doubt that I have in my heart is the reason I am facing backward. But God reassured me with that overwhelming peace and joy in the first dream that I have the Holy Ghost. And after talking with Donna, Wendell, and one or two others, I believe now that I do have the Holy Ghost! It is just a matter of becoming free in the Spirit. When I am able to do that, God will bless me with the satisfaction of peace and joy and the doubt will be taken away. I know that I am not the same person I was before that Sunday meeting in Kentucky.

The second dream shows me where I will end up if I don t continue on in the Lord and get free in the Spirit. I believe that it is a warning. But it also may be to show me what I was looking back at, in the first dream, and where it is I ve come from. Praise God!

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