Pneumatikos INSIGHT

On Religion, History & Society:

A Forum for Conservative Christian Thought

Volume 2, No. 2, December 1997

Editor's Note:   Instead of the usual news and articles, I have decided to present a special edition of Pneumatikos INSIGHT newsletter to celebrate the Christmas season. Herein you will find various items of Christmas cheer, most of which was sent to me by email.
Enjoy!

The Twelve Days of Christmas . . .
(what really happened)

December 13, 1997

My Dearest Darling Tom:

Who ever in the whole wide world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.

My love always,

Andrea

December 14, 1997

Dearest Tom:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love,

Andrea

December 15, 1997

Dear Tom:

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but must insist you've been too kind.

All my love,

Andrea

December 16, 1997

Dear Tom:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You are being a bit too romantic.

Affectionately,

Andrea

December 17, 1997

Dearest Tom:

What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,

Andrea

December 18, 1997

Dear Tom:

When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop. Thank you.

Cordially,

Andrea

December 19, 1997

Tom:

What's with you and those stupid birds? Seven swans a swimming? What kind of sick joke is this becoming? There's bird you-know-what all over my rugs and they never stop their racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's really not funny. So stop with the birds, okay?

Sincerely,

Andrea

December 20, 1997

O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those stupid birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their cows with them. There is more you-know-what all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, OKAY?

Andrea

December 21, 1997

Hey Bonehead:

What are you....some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers playing, and, gads, can they ever play - like - LOUD. They've never stopped chasing those maids around the house since they got here yesterday morning. It's practically a scandal. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do?

The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours !

Andrea

December 22, 1997

You Rotten Jerk:

Now there's 10 ladies dancing. That's all I need. They're rude and noisy and they are yelling at the pipers. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a horrible mess. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.

I'm calling the police on you !

Andrea

December 23, 1997

Listen You Complete Idiot:

What's with those 11 lords a leaping? They are all clumsy ex-pro football players and they're ruining my furniture. They are tackling the cows and the cows are mooing out of their minds, and mine, too. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've all been trampled to death. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

You're sworn enemy,

Andrea

December 24, 1997

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Ms Andrea McHolden. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention from now on. If you should attempt to reach Ms McHolden at Happy Acres Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.

With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,

Law Offices of Badger, Barton and Germain

P.S. Happy Holidays

ZONDERVAN PUBLISHING HOUSE E-MAIL ALERT SERVICE
Christmas Time To Smile (12/03/97)

(File for future reference / Copy and send to others)

Time to Smile is a periodic E-mail newsletter designed to give you a lift. It is a service of Zondervan Publishing House. Pass it on to your friends. Bookmark and regularly visit our Website at http://www.zondervan.com.


How to Say "Merry Christmas in Over 33 Languages!

Guess the Christmas Song

  1. Bleached Yule
  2. Castaneous-colored Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration
  3. Singular Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors
  4. Righteous Darkness
  5. Arrival Time: 2400 hrs - Weather: Cloudless
  6. Loyal Followers Advance
  7. Far Off in a Feeder
  8. Array the Corridor
  9. Bantam Male Percussionist
  10. Monarchial Triad
  11. Nocturnal Noiselessness
  12. Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers
  13. Red Man En Route to Borough
  14. Frozen Precipitation Commence
  15. Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle
  16. The Quadruped with the Vermillion Probiscis
  17. Query Regarding Identity of Descendant
  18. Delight for this Planet
  19. Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings
  20. The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals

ANSWERS

  1. White Christmas
  2. Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire
  3. All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth
  4. O Holy Night
  5. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear
  6. O Come, All Ye Faithful
  7. Away in a Manger
  8. Deck the Hall
  9. Little Drummer Boy
  10. We Three Kings
  11. Silent Night
  12. God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen
  13. Santa Claus is Coming to Town
  14. Let it Snow
  15. Go, Tell It on the Mountain
  16. Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer
  17. What Child is This?
  18. Joy to the World
  19. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
  20. The Twelve Days of Christmas 
    


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May you have a Christ-filled Christmas!
And may the Lord bless your New Year
with peace, joy, love, health,
and prosperity!
Merry Christmas!!

    The night Before Jesus Came

    'Twas the night before Jesus came and all through the house
    Not a creature was praying, not one in the house.
    Their Bibles were lain on the shelf without care
    In hopes that Jesus would not come there.

    The children were dressing to crawl into bed,
    Not once ever kneeling or bowing a head.
    And Mom in her rocker with baby on her lap
    Was watching the Late Show while I took a nap.

    When out of the East there arose such a clatter,
    I sprang to my feet to see what was the matter.
    Away to the window I flew like a flash
    Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash!

    When what to my wondering eyes should appear
    But angels proclaiming that Jesus was here.
    With a light like the sun sending forth a bright ray
    I knew in a moment this must be The Day!

    The light of His face made me cover my head
    It was Jesus! Returning just like He had said.
    And though I possessed Worldly Wisdom and Wealth
    I cried when I saw Him in spite of myself.

    In the Book of Life which He held in His Hand
    Was written the name of every saved man.
    He spoke not a word as He searched for my name;
    When He said, "It's not here, my head hung in shame

    The people whose names had been Written with love
    He gathered to take to His Father above.
    With those who were ready He rose without a sound
    While all the rest were left standing around.

    I fell to my knees, but it was too late;
    I had waited too long and this sealed my fate.
    I stood and I cried as they rose out of sight;
    Oh, if only I had been ready tonight.

    In the words of this poem the meaning is clear;
    The coming of Jesus is drawing near.
    There's only one life and when comes the last call
    We'll find that the Bible was True after ALL!

    The Gift

    Forgive me, oh Lord
    For being so dim.
    I've embraced all your gifts,
    Put my arms around them.
    I was holding so tight;
    It was all I could do.
    I forgot that my arms
    Belong just around You.

    Now Jesus has taught
    To let everything go.
    All the things that you own.
    All the people you know.
    If you stop asking questions
    And simply obey,
    You'll possess them in a much
    More beautiful way.

    Michael Card

    Your Invitation to a Birthday Party!

    Hello dear friend! Well, as you know, it's time for my birthday again. Last year, they had a real big party for me and it seems like they will again this year. After all, they've been shopping and preparing for it for months now, and there have been announcements and advertisements almost everyday about how soon it's coming! They really do go overboard about it, but it's nice to know that at least on one day of the year some people are thinking about me a little.

    You know, it's been many years now since they first started celebrating my birthday. Back then they seemed to realize and appreciate how much fun it is for the little children. Just the same, it seems that most folks are missing the point of it all.

    Like last year, for example: When my birthday came around , they threw a big party, but can you believe it?... I wasn't even invited! Imagine! The guest of honor, and they forgot all about me! Here they had begun preparing for the festivities two months in advance, but when the big day came, I was left out in the cold! Well, it happened so many times in recent years, I wasn't even surprised. Even though I wasn't invited, I thought I'd just quietly slip in anyway. So I came in and stood off to the side.

    Everyone was drinking, laughing and having a grand time, when all of a sudden, in came this fat fellow in a bright red suit, wearing a phony white beard and shouting, Ho ho ho! He looked like he'd already had more than enough to drink, but he somehow managed to weave his way across the floor while everyone cheered. When he collapsed into a big armchair, all the little children went running over to him excitedly yelling, Santa! Santa! I mean, you'd have thought he was the guest of honor and the whole holiday was in his honor!

    Then he began telling them the most ridiculous stories you've ever heard! ...that he live at the North Pole with a crew of dwarfs and that every year on my birthday he rides in his sleigh pulled by a bunch of flying reindeer, delivering presents to children all over the world! I mean there wasn't a word of truth in anything he said! Imagine telling such poor, little, impressionable kids such far-fetched fables!

    Finally I just had to leave, I walked out of the door, and it was hardly surprising that no one even noticed that I had gone. As I walked down the street afterward, I felt about as lonely and forlorn as a stray dog! I could hardly remember the last time I'd felt that low.

    Maybe you don't think I cry.........

    That little manger scene you had put up in the corner of your living room was really touching! It's sweet of people to commemorate my birthday like that. But did you know that nowadays, in some countries, the authorities won't even allow manger scenes to be displayed in the parks, streets, or public places anymore! Not to mention their schools! And I'm not talking about Communist countries! I'm talking about the good old USA, Imagine! What could be more innocent that a manger scene to remind people of my birthday?...and yet they ban it! They've actually passed laws against it and made it illegal! What's this world coming to?

    Another thing that amazes me is how, on my birthday, instead of giving me presents, most people give gifts to each other! And to top it all off, it's usually all kinds of stuff they don+t even need! Let me ask you, wouldn't you find it odd if when your birthday came along, all your friends decided to celebrate it by giving each other presents and never gave you a thing?

    Someone once told me, Well, it's because you're not around like other people are, so how can we give you a present? You know my answer to that one: Then give gifts of food and clothing to the poor, help those who need it. Go visit the lonely! I said, "Listen, any gift you give to your needy fellowmen, I'll count as if you gave it to me personally!" (See Matthew 25:34-40)

    Well, sad to say, things are getting worse each year. You can just imagine my shock a few years ago when I began seeing them taking my name out of my birthday greeting and replacing it with an "X". What an insult! Think of it!...Xmas!... What if I wrote you a birthday card and said Happy Birthday X! You'd probably never talk to me again! And that's just about how I feel, I mean what more could they do to push me right out of the picture on my own birthday?

    It reminds me of what happened recently to a friend of mine, a sweet elderly fellow. He's from the poorer side of town and he's been trying unsuccessfully for years to join the church. But was a very exclusive church for the proper kind of folks, and they just did not think he was good enough to be a member. I found him one day sitting by the church steps with his head on his hands bowed and I asked him what was wrong. He told me about it, I put my arm around his shoulder and told him I knew just how he felt. I've been wanting to enter that same church for twenty years and they've never let me in either!

    Well there's an end even to my patience. So I'm going to let you in on a secret. Now this is something I've been planning on doing for quite sometime, but the way things are going, I think I'm planning of holding my own party! How about that? It's going to be the biggest most fantastic feast you could possibly imagine! It might not happen this year. But I'm sending out the invitations now anyway because I know you'll want to come. There's going to be room for billions, for everyone who wants to come! Some really famous old timers and celebrities are going to be there and I'll reserve you a seat of honor right with them! (Matt. 8:11)

    So hold on to your hat because when everything is ready, I'm going to spring it as a big surprise! And a lot of people are going to be left out in the cold because they didn't answer my invitation. Let me know right away if you'd like to come, and I'll reserve you a place and, write your name in large golden letter in my great big Guest Book!

    Much Love,

    JESUS

    From:   Don Callaway

    RETRO-CREDIT:   There should be a retro credit on the XFiles Christmas joke, as alert reader Dave Gross points out:

    I received that exact message from a friend with the following footer:

    * Adapted from Shouts & Murmurs, "The Xmas Files," by Frank Cammuso and Hart Seely, (c) The New Yorker, December 16, 1996.

    The "Politically Correct" Days of Christmas

    On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

    TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

    ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),

    TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

    NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

    EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

    SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

    SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

    FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,

    (NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

    FOUR hours of recorded whale songs

    THREE deconstructionist poets

    TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and...

    ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

    Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Oh, heck! Happy Holidays!!!! (unless otherwise prohibited by law) *

    *Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.

    Submitted by: Jeff & Kathy Peterson @ netcom.com
    Originally from: Tom Green


    Three Little Trees

    Once upon a mountain top, three little trees stood and dreamed of what they wanted to become when they grew up.

    The first little tree looked up at the stars and said: "I want to hold treasure. It want to be covered with gold and filled with precious stones. I'll be the most beautiful treasure chest in the world!"

    The second little tree looked out at the small stream trickling by on it's way to the ocean. "I want to be traveling mighty waters and carrying powerful kings. I'll be the strongest ship in the world!"

    The third little tree looked down into the valley below where busy men and women worked in a busy town. "I don't want to leave the mountain top at all. I want to grow so tall that when people stop to look at me, they'll raise their eyes to heaven and think of God. I will be the tallest tree in the world."

    Years passed. The rain came, the sun shone, and the little trees grew tall. One day three woodcutters climbed the mountain. The first woodcutter looked at the first tree and said, "This tree is beautiful. It is perfect for me."

    With a swoop of his shining axe, the first tree fell. "Now I shall be made into a beautiful chest, I shall hold wonderful treasure!" The first tree said.

    The second woodcutter looked at the second tree and said, "This tree is strong. It is perfect for me." With a swoop of his shining axe, the second tree fell. "Now I shall sail mighty waters!" thought the second tree. "I shall be a strong ship for mighty kings!"

    The third tree felt her heart sink when the last woodcutter looked her way. She stood straight and tall and pointed bravely to heaven. But the woodcutter never even looked up. "Any kind of tree will do for me." He muttered. With a swoop of his shining axe, the third tree fell.

    The first tree rejoiced when the woodcutter brought her to a carpenter's shop. But the carpenter fashioned the tree into a feedbox for animals. The once beautiful tree was not covered with gold, nor with treasure. She was coated with saw dust and filled with hay for hungry farm animals.

    The second tree smiled when the woodcutter took her to a shipyard, but no mighty sailing ship was made that day. Instead the once strong tree was hammered and sawed into a simple fishing boat. She was too small and tooweak to sail to an ocean, or even a river; instead she was taken to a little lake.

    The third tree was confused when the woodcutter cut her into strong beams and left her in a lumberyard. "What happened?" The once tall tree wondered. "All I ever wanted was to stay on the mountain top and point to God..." Many many days and night passed. The three trees nearly forgot their dreams.

    But one night, golden starlight poured over the first tree as a young woman placed her newborn baby in the feedbox. "I wish I could make a cradle for him." her husband whispered. The mother squeezed his hand and smiled as the starlight shone on the smooth and the sturdy wood. "This manger is beautiful." she said. And suddenly the first tree knew he was holding the greatest treasure in the world.

    One evening a tired traveler and his friends crowded into the old fishing boat. The traveler fell asleep as the second tree quietly sailed out into the lake. Soon a thundering and thrashing storm arose. The little tree shuddered. She knew she did not have the strength to carry so many passengers safely through with the wind and the rain. The tired man awakened. He stood up, stretched out his hand, and said, "Peace." The storm stopped as quickly as it had begun. And suddenly the second tree knew he was carrying the king of heaven and earth.

    One Friday morning, the third tree was startled when her beams were yanked from the forgotten woodpile. She flinched as she was carried through an angry jeering crowd. She shuddered when soldiers nailed a man's hands to her. She felt ugly and harsh and cruel. But on Sunday morning, when the sun rose and the earth tremble with joy beneath her, the third tree knew that God's love had changed everything. It had made the third tree strong. And every time people thought of the third tree, they would think of God. That was better than being the tallest tree in the world.

    So next time you feel down because you didn't get what you want, just sit tight and be happy because God is thinking of something better to give you.

    * Author Unknown-


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    ABOUT THE PUBLISHER

    Rev. Paul A. Hughes, M.Div., is an ordained Assemblies of God minister, Bible teacher, writer, musician, and songwriter.
    Rev. Hughes is available nationally for pulpit ministry, Bible teaching, singles seminars, Holy Spirit conferences, and music ministry.

    (c) 1997 Paul A. Hughes
    Last updated December 1998. For more information, comments, or suggestions, write pneumatikos@oocities.com.