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Why's Everybody Pickin' on Bubba?

* PLEASE NOTE: A Few people have written in to say they like this section, but feel that the stress placed on Mr. Clinton's Southern heritage is a bit offensive. Let me say first that I also was born in the South, in North Georgia, and consider it a great place to be from.
Secondly, Courtin' Willy has been considered the quintessential Boss Hog of politics since long before George Bush made him president. You can take the dog out of the South, but you can't take the South out of the dog.
No offense is intended to anyone, except Slick Willy, who should resign NOW before the office of the presidency becomes tantamount with a not-so tidy Tidy Bowl man!

(Some of these entries are admittedly a bit sexist, but then again, we're talkin' 'bout Bubba!)

LITTLE JOHNNY IS AT IT AGAIN

It was the end of the school year. The teacher had turned in her grades. There was nothing really for the class to do. All the kids were restless and it was near the end of the day. So the teacher thought of an activity. She said, "The first ones to answer correctly the questions I ask may leave early today." Little Johnny said to himself, "Good, I'm smart and I want to get outta here." The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" But before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln?" The teacher said, "That's right, Susie. You may go." Johnny was mad that Susie had answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" but, before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King!" The teacher said, "That's right, Mary. You may go." Johnny was even madder than before. Mary had answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy piped, "John Kennedy!" The teacher said, "That's right, Nancy. You may go." Now Johnny was furious! Nancy had answered first.

Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny muttered, "I wish these girls would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher spun around. "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"

Bubba Can Not Tell a Lie...Well...

"George Washington, did YOU chop down the cherry tree?"

"No, Dad."

"I think you are lying."

"No, no, no! I swear I did NOT chop down the cherry tree."

"Son, I saw you out here with your axe. Your punishment will be much worse for you if you lie. Now, tell me the truth!"

"Dad, I answered your question truthfully. Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions. While my answer was legally accurate, I did not volunteer any information.
"Indeed, Dad, I did cause the cherry tree to be lying on the ground. To do this was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible.
"I know my answer to you gave a false impression. I misled you, my own father. I deeply regret that.
"I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct.
"I was also very concerned about protecting Mom from this shock.
"What I did, Dad, was use a saw to cause the cherry tree to fall. Only after the tree was already down did I go get my axe to chop off individual branches.
So, I CHOPPED off branches, but SAWED down the tree. Look at the saw cut on the stump and the axe cuts on the branches. Therefore, legally, I told the truth.

Nah, Bubba ain't hurtin' our respect for the office none!

A New Democratic Seal?
Newsflash!

Dateline: The Sugar Shack (aka the White House)
Bill Clinton has proposed changing the Democratic seal from a donkey to a condom. When questioned, he says condoms represents inflation, halts production, and gives you a false sense of security while you are being screwed.

Clinton's Speech Translated

Through the marvels of technology, we were able to use the new patented Bullcrap-Canceler 9000 to see what President Clinton was *really* trying to say in his August 17th Speech to the Nation.
[Translated comments are in brackets.]

"President Bill Clinton's Speach"
Aug. 17, 1998

CLINTON: Good evening.
[Yo.]

This afternoon in this room, from this chair, I testified before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury.
[Today, I got my arse dragged over the coals.]

I answered their questions truthfully, including questions about my private life, questions no American citizen would ever want to answer.
[I was lying like crazy trying to cover my arse.]

Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight.
[I got busted, and now I'm trying to minimize the damage.]

As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While my answers were legally accurate, I did not volunteer information.
[I conned everybody during the January deposition. I played a semantics game and was able to slither away without actually telling the truth.]

Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not appropriate.
[I have given a new definition to the term "screwed by the Government."]

In fact, it was wrong.
[We exhausted the Kama Sutra.]

It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible.
[I was horny.]

But I told the grand jury today, and I say to you now that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence or to take any other unlawful action.
[Hope you brought a shovel 'cause here comes the bullsh*t...]

I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave a false impression.
[I lied like the pro I am.]

I misled people, including even my wife. I deeply regret that.
[Damn I'm good!]

I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct.
[I thought I'd get away with the whole damn thing.]

I was also very concerned about protecting my family.
[If you find out Hilary is a lesbian we're screwed!]

The fact that these questions were being asked in a politically inspired lawsuit, which has since been dismissed, was a consideration, too.
[I didn't think there was a chance in hell that things would ever go this far.]

In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent counsel investigation that began with private business dealings 20 years ago, dealings I might add about which an independent federal agency found no evidence of any wrongdoing by me or my wife over two years ago.
[I was worried that Ken Starr would find out about the boys at Menna Airforce Base, and everything else.]

The independent counsel investigation moved on to my staff and friends, then into my private life. And now the investigation itself is under investigation.
[I'm still continuing my efforts to discredit the people who've caught me with my hand in the Cookie jar.]

This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent people.
[Can't everybody just leave me alone?? This is cramping my style with the new intern babes]

Now, this matter is between me, the two people I love most -- my wife and our daughter -- and our G-d.
[Git offa mah land 'fore I shoot me a trespasser!]

I must put it right, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do so.
[If you think I bull-crapped you before, you ain't seen NOTHIN' yet!!]

Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I intend to reclaim my family life for my family. It's nobody's business but ours.
[The longer this matter stays in the public eye, the bigger my chances are of being recognized as a two-bit punk who has a taste for tender, young meat.]

Even presidents have private lives. It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into private lives and get on with our National life.
[-cough- -cough- -choke- I'm having trouble breathing with this Smoke Screen that's gone up...]

Our country has been distracted by this matter for too long, and I take my responsibility for my part in all of this. That is all I can do.
[If you don't leave me alone I'll start World War Three! That'll distract you!]

Now it is time -- in fact, it is past time to move on.
[I've got dirt on everybody in Congress. I'm warning you!]

We have important work to do -- real opportunities to seize, real problems to solve, real security matters to face.
[There's a hot young babe who just started down the hall, I want to seize her so she can give me suckcurity and this is makin' it hard... no, I didn't mean hard...]

And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of the past seven months, to repair the fabric of our national discourse, and to return our attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the next American century.
[Now that I've made a laughing stock out of the US, given the Arab Nations a legitimate reason to use the term 'American Pigs,' and blown my credibility all to pieces, why not just grab a beer and pretend like none of this ever happened? --C'mon, baby, relax.]

Thank you for watching. [I did sort of get off on your voyeurism.] And Good Night. [Ok! That's the signal! Al, shoot Hillary with the tranquilizer gun! Chelsea, tell Air Force One to lay in a course for Tehran! I wanna go somewhere safe!]

This is a true Story...


Well, It Could Be!

There was this news reporter that was interviewing Bill Clinton. The news reporter asked "Mr. President did you know that today was Monica Lewinsky's Birthday?"
Clinton said "No how old is she?"
The reporter said "she is 26."
Clinton says "Man, I can remember when she was only knee high."

Bubba can explain everything. Ya'll just let him be!

Similarities between Nixon and Clinton

Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed

Nixon: His biggest fear - the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear - a Cold Sore

Nixon: Worried about carpet bombs
Clinton: Worried about carpet burns

Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek

Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her

Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case

Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: same

Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President

Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Known for women pointing at him saying, "He's the one!"

Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak

Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with the G Spot

Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on Ho

Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked about getting a piece while on her

White House Pillowtalk

Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. "Bill, Bill wake up."

Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up."

Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?" Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom."

To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom."

Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."

Help is on the Way!

A woman shows up at the White House in a trench coat and scarf and says, " I received an emergency phone call from Mrs. Clinton, and came right away, but what could I possibly do to save the country." Hillary said: "Come inside and let me explain, Mrs. Bobbit.

Clinton Q & A

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 1,100 went down on the Titanic.

Q: What's the new game they're playing in the White House?
A: Swallow the Leader.

Q: What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?
A: "Sat on the Presidential Staff"

Q: What are a few of the press names for the latest Presidential scandal?
A: Fornigate, Zippergate, Oralgate, Swallowgate

In a survey of American women, when asked, "Would you sleep with President Clinton?", 86% replied, "Not again."

The "Top Ten White House Jobs That Sound Dirty."

From the January 26 Late Show with David Letterman,

(Copyright 1998 by Worldwide Pants, Inc.)

From Media Research Center email news (Thanks to LadyHawke's Joke du Jour. for the morphing graphic.
Lady Hawk is spreading sexy Laughter to 62 Countries on Seven Continents! A Joke a Day keeps the Doctor away! Or was it an Apple a day? Hmmmm...)

"I Just Want to Make 'Em Happy"

President Clinton, Chelsea, and Bill Clinton are sitting in a helicopter and Bill starts to think. He sits there for about 15 minutes and finally Hillary asks why he is looking so sad.
He says, "I just was wondering what I could do for the poor countries."
"Well " says Chelsea, "you could throw $100,000 out the window of the helicopter. I'm sure that the poor will get some of it."
He agrees that it's a good idea and he does.
About 5 minutes later he starts thinking again.
Hillary asks "Why do you still look so sad? You just threw $100,000 out the window of the helicopter. That helped a lot of poor people."
He says "I still feel like I didn't do enough."
She says "Well, Bill, why don't you throw another $100,000 out the window? That should make a lot of people happy."
Again he says it's a good idea and he does.
A few moments later and again he looks unhappy and he says "I still don't think I've done enough."
This time the helicopter pilot pipes up and says "Why don't you throw yourself out the window...that will make everyone in America happy!"

If good ole Dr. Seuss were around today...

The First Parrot

While Bill, Hillary and Chelsea were vacationing at Camp David The housekeeper was tasked with looking after their pet parrot. They hadn't been gone for more than a couple of days when the parrot was found dead in the bottom of it's cage.

The housekeeper knew the first family would be desolate at the loss of one of their family pets, so she set out to find a replacement bird and visited nearly every pet store in Washington.

After nearly two days of looking non-stop, she came across an almost exact duplicate of the bird. As she purchased the parrot, the shop owner cautioned her that the bird had previously be owned by a Madam and had lived for several years in a house of ill-repute.

The housekeeper replied that no one would ever know and she took the bird back to the White House.

The morning after the clintons return to the White House, Chelsea walked through the room and the bird said, "Too young."

A little later Hillary came into the room and the bird responded, "Too old."

Late that afternoon the President entered the room and the bird said, "HI, BILL!"

Clinton in the Land of Oz

President clinton, VP AlGore, and Speaker of the House Gingrich, are traveling in a car together in Kansas.

A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze..

When they come to the extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz..

They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes..

Algore says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."

Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."

Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"

Bill on Abortion

Leon Panetta entered the Oval Office and said, "Mr. President, we're going to have to do something about this abortion bill."

Clinton said, "I'm getting tired of hearing about it, just pay the darn thing!"

Bill's a Good Dad!

Even though Chelsea is in California at Stanford, President Clinton is acting like she's still at the White House. Yesterday he invited all of her friends over for a pajama party.

The First Dog
(From TGerusky@aol.com)

I heard on the news recently that they are going to neuter Buddy, the First Dog. Maybe I'm missing something, but haven't they got the wrong guy?

Bill, the Pope and the Virgin Mary
(From SirStoned1@aol.com)

OK, I appologize for this one, but its funny!


Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to Heaven and the Pope gets sent to Hell.

The Pope explains the situation to the Hell administration. They check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch.

The next day, the Pope is called in. The Hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for Heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on his way down, and they stop to chat.

Pope: "Sorry about the mix up."

Clinton: "No problem."

Pope: "Well, I'm really excited about going to Heaven."

Clinton: "Why is that?"

Pope: "All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary."

Clinton: "Er... You're a day late."

Jogging
(From AndeeReg@aol.com)

Bill Clinton went jogging one evening and came upon the Washington Monument. He said, "George, what should I do?" After a few seconds, George replied, "Abolish the IRS and start over."

Bill thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging. Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped there. He said, "Tom, what should I do?" After a few seconds, Tom replied, "Abolish welfare and start over."

Bill continued jogging after thinking about this and came upon the Lincoln Memorial. He said, "Abe, what should I do?" After a few seconds, Abe replied, "Why don't you take the night off and go to the theater?"

The Eleventh Commandment (Just for Bill)

Due to Clinton's escapades, The Lord added an 11nth commandment:
11. Thou shalt not stick thy rod in thy staff.

Limerick Contest

Contest Requirements:

Contestants' Entries:

Entry # 1
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
--Bill Ward

Entry # 2
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that white stuff off of your chinsky.
--Martha Thorrens

Entry # 3
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
Given the choice to be blown.
--David Dieckmann

Entry # 4
There was a young girl called Lewinsky,
Who caused as much stir as Kaczynski
When on Kenneth Starr's lap
She confided, when trapped,
"Bill Clinton is hung like Nijinsky." *

(*Nijinsky is a thoroughbred racehorse; not to be confused with the long-dead ballet dancer, whose private attributes are not known.)

Bill Is Watching TV

(Heard in Britain from a stand up comic by G E Carr)

Bill Clinton was at home, sitting down flicking the channels over when he sees the Miss Universe contest on and starts to watch it. Then the phone rings suddenly.
"Hello," Bill says.
A husky female voice breathes into the receiver.
"I've always wanted to listen to your voice while masturbating, Mr. President," the voice purrs down the phone.
Bill looks shocked and says,
"That's amazing! How did you know I was masturbating?!"

"WARNING: I brake for possums"

There are two dead corpses on a major highway.
One is a dead possum, the other is Bill Clinton. Whats the difference???...........
THERE ARE SKID MARKS BEFORE THE POSSUM!!!!

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