How To Access God From User Friendly System
In Heaven?
How To Access God From User Friendly System
The Only Pearly Gates Story I Ever Liked
A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates.
St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."
"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and
supported its ministry with my tithe and service."
"Terrific!" says St. Peter, "that's certainly worth a point."
"One point? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.
"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!"
A few Housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands. One lady said "My husband just won't go to church with me, I think he's going to go to Hell."
This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in Hell.
So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves. One woman said "I try to be good - I'm sure I'll make it to Heaven."
Another one said "No, I did this bad thing, I won't make it." So, then they noticed that one of the ladies wasn't saying anything. And they looked at her and said "You're such a nice lady, surely you're going to Heaven...?"
She says "No, first thing in the morning, I'm going to buy me a ticket straight to Hell!"
They were shocked and asked "Why??"
"Well, you don't expect me to live in a world without men, do you??!?"
The Top 15 Good Things About Going to Hell
Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their dying.
As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.
At the seance, she called out, "John, dear John; this is Martha. Do you hear me?"
A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John; I can hear you."
Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"
"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."
"Well what do you do all day," asked Martha.
"Well Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but sex until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then have more sex until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11pm."
Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven is really like?"
"Heaven? I'm not in heaven Martha."
"Well then where are you?"
"I'm a jack rabbit in Arizona."
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
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