Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when
you do criticize, you'll be a mile away and have their shoes
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
One who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
A fool and his or her money are soon partying.
Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Country music is about the sin you did last night, Rock and Roll is
about the sin you hope to commit tonight.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
Everybody repeat after me....."I am an individual."
Don't be sexist; broads hate that!
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
Beware of geeks bearing gifs.
Half the people you know are below average;
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
If you can fake sincerity you've got it made.
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize!
Death to all fanatics!
Guests who kill talk show hosts - On the last Geraldo.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
It's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Could not the Energizer Bunny be arrested and charged with battery?
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now she's gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Join the Army, travel to distant, exotic and beautiful lands, meet interesting people, behold their ancient cultures and customs, and kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
OK, smarty pants..... so what's the speed of dark?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon!
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
There's no future in time travel.
Smith & Wesson -- the original point and click interface.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard disk?
Corduroy pillows -- they're making headlines!
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Polynesia -- memory loss in parrots.
Oh Lord give me patience, and give it to me NOW!
A good pun is it's own reword.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
Remember the Important Things
Thanks to my niece,
S. Kibler
The man came home from work late again, tired and irritated, to find his 5
year old son waiting for him at the door.
"Daddy, may I ask you a question?"
"Yeah, sure, what is it?" replied the man.
"Daddy, how much money do you make an hour?"
"That's none of your business!
What makes you ask such a thing?" the man said angrily.
"I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?" pleaded the little boy.
"If you must know, I make $20.00 an hour."
"Oh," the little boy replied, head bowed. Looking up, he said, "Daddy, may I borrow $10.00 please?"
The father was furious. "If the only reason you wanted to know how much
money I make is just so you can borrow some to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you're being so selfish. I work long, hard hours everyday and don't have time for such childish games."
The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
The man sat down and started to get even madder about the little boy's questioning. How dare him ask such questions only to get some money.
After an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think he may have been a little hard on his son. Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $10.00, and he really didn't ask for money very often.
The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door.
"Are you asleep son?" he asked.
"No daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy.
"I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier," said the man. "It's been a long day and I took my aggravation out on you. Here's that $10.00 you asked for."
The little boy sat straight up, beaming. "Oh, thank you daddy!" he yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow, he pulled out some
more crumpled up bills.
The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at the man.
"Why did you want more money if you already had some?" the father grumbled.
"Because I didn't have enough, but now I do," the little boy replied.
"Daddy, I have $20.00 now. Can I buy an hour of your time?"
WHAT I'VE LEARNED
I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Age 7
I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night." Age 7
I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9
I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up. Age 13
I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 13
I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15
I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24
I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. Age 29
I've learned that wherever I go, the worlds worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29
I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 39
I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. Age 41
I've learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending them a little card. Age 44
I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 46
I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his need to cast blame on others. Age 46
I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49
I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 52
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53
I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58
I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, try to improve your marriage. Age 61
I've learne chance. Age 62
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. you need to be able to throw something back. Age 64
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting few people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65
I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66
I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72
I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've seen several. Age 73
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Age 82
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch--holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 85
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92
Things I've Learned from My Children
-- an anonymous mother
There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them
with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 4 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is
not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound
puppy underwear and a superman cape.
It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four
walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the
ball up a few times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a
baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's
already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though
a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing
baseball shoes it does not leak -- it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000
sq foot house 4 inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
Duplos will not.
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the
same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
Ditto Tarzan.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you
still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV
commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute
response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make
Earth worms dizzy.
It will however make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
The Piano
Wishing to encourage her young son's progress on the piano, a
mother took her boy to a Paderewski concert. After they were seated, the mother spotted a friend in the audience and walked down the aisle to greet her. Seizing the opportunity to explore the wonders of the concert hall, the little boy rose and eventually explored his way through a door marked "NO ADMITTANCE."
When the houselights dimmed and the concert was about to begin, the mother returned to her seat and discovered that the child was missing. Suddenly, the curtains parted and spotlights focused on the impressive Steinway on stage. In horror, the mother saw her little boy sitting at the keyboard, innocently picking out "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star."
At that moment, the great piano master made his entrance, quickly moved to the piano, and whispered in the boy's ear, "Don't quit. Keep playing." Then leaning over, Paderewski reached down with his left hand and began filling in a bass part. Soon his right arm reached around to the other side of the child and he added a running obbligato. Together, the old master and the young novice transformed a frightening situation into a wonderfully creative experience. And the audience was mesmerized.
Whatever our situation in life and history--however outrageous, however desperate, whatever dry spell of the spirit, whatever dark night of the soul-- G-d is whispering deep within our beings, "Don't quit. Keep playing. You are not alone, Together we will transform the broken patterns into a masterwork of my creative art. Together, we will mesmerize the world with our song of peace."
So you've read all of this offered wisdom and there's still a piece missing for you. Well, you know what "they" always say, "When in doubt, ask a wressler!
Please Click Here To Be Amazed!
