Lawyer Jokes
An elderly gentleman, quite well to do, realized that his life was turning down the final stretch, so he summoned the three friends that he trusted the most for some advice: one was a doctor, one a priest, and one an attorney. "I've been thinking lately," he said to them, "that perhaps there is something to the ancient Egyptian belief that when we die, we take some things with us to the next world. So, I'm giving each of you an envelope with $1 million in it. At my funeral, I ask each of you to slip it into my casket so that I can use it on my journey to the next world." The three agreed.
A few weeks later, he was dead. At the funeral, each of the three went up to the casket, and each placed an envelope into the casket. Afterwards, the three were talking, and the doctor couldn't keep it in any longer. "I have a confession," he said. "This year has been quite bad for the clinic. My CAT scan machine broke, and I had to scrape to replace it. I took $80,000 out of the envelope to pay for it."
As the other two cringed, the priest then added, "I must confess, too. The poor have been especially bad this year, and to provide them with food, I took $120,000 out and used it to feed and clothe them."
The attorney was beside himself. "I am disgusted. Our friend asked but one thing of each of us, and trusted us with his last request. How could you two break that trust and go against his wishes?"
The doctor replies, "You expect us to believe that you, an attorney, didn't take anything out of your envelope?" "I would never!" replied the attorney. "In that envelope was a personal check for the FULL amount!"
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are you doing?" "Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!""That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "Look, I'm a lawyer. Am I fucking the guy in front of me?"
Ben Dover & C. Howett Fields Attorneys At Law ----------------------------------------------------
What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50? Your honor.
What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad? Senator.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start!
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.
What's the difference between a dead dog and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog.
How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? Depends on how thin you slice them.
Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.
What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand.
When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep? Because down deep, they are all nice guys!!!!
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the water.
What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")? When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
What is the definition of a "crying shame"? There was an empty seat.
How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus? Never enough.
Have you heard about the lawyers word processor? No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche? With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!
What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School? A lobotomy.
What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common? Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.
Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? From chasing parked ambulances.
Where can you find a good lawyer? In the cemetery
What do lawyers use as contraceptives? Their personalities.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? The lawyer charges more.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night.
What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps? Because people could not tell which side to spit on.
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called, Sosumi.
Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body? They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? About three pounds, including the urn.