I feel as if something as been torn out of me.  I want to be mad and lay the blame on someone, but I guess nothing is really that simple.  I don't know what I should be feeling.  I don't even know what I am feeling.  Everything seems to be falling apart.  So much for Christmas spirit.  Whatever joy for the holidays I ever had is now completely destroyed.  I want to blame myself, just because it is so much easier that way.  Now the "perfect couple" of UHS is no more.  It's really silly.  Especially the stuff I never even noticed that was wrong or bad.  I am just to naive for my own good.  I hate it.  I can now see symbolism.  I guess that's good, except that almost every other aspect of my life is...  I am confused.  Of course, I'm normally confused.  I want to have hope.  I want to feel the same feelings that I've felt before, but I probably never will.  I just want to scream and hit someone.  Then I want Harrison to come and hug me and say that it will be all right.  But that won't happen.  Not anymore.  I feel so feminine and weak.  I hate feeling weak.  I wish I had someone I could turn to.  I want to turn to someone.  I don't know who.  I want someone who can empathize with me.  I hate having sympathy, but empathy doesn't bother me.  Bad things always come in huge herds.  Life is just to weird to justify.  If I had to come up with a justification for my life as it is, I would not be able to do it.  I don't know what my reason for living is.  I don't want to die, but just want to find out why I am living as I am.  Everything seemed so perfect.  "The more things change; the more they stay the same."  Someone said that today.  It's not true at all.  I should know.  I've been through many changes and will probably go through many more.  I've know people who changed, will change, and are changing.  Right when you think you know someone, they change, and it feels as if you don't know them at all.  Of course anyone can tell that I am talking about specific people.  I love being blatant.  I really wish life came with a manual, and you could look up whatever the problem was and then find an answer to it.  Of course things never are or could be that simple.