January 8, 2001 - All the Rest

de·cry transitive verb . 1. To condemn openly. 2. To depreciate (currency, for example) by official proclamation or by rumor

But the uncompromising Evangelical did not even now hold that he would have been justified in giving his son, an unbeliever, the same academic advantages that he had given to the two others when it was possible, if not probable, that those very advantages might have been used to decry the doctrines which he had made it his life's mission and desire to propagate, and the mission of his ordained sons likewise.

TESS OF THE D'URBERVILLES
Thomas Hardy

A cheerful heart is good medicine,
but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.
Proverbs 17:22 (NIV)

smile6.gif (2723 bytes)

There once was a rich man who was dying. While on his death bed, he tried to negotiate with God to have God allow him to bring his earthly treasures with him to heaven.

"God, please, I have worked so hard to accumulate all these riches. Can't I bring them along?"

"This is very unusual," said God, "but since you have been such a faithful steward, I will allow you to bring one suitcase."

The man immediately had a servant fill a large suitcase with gold bricks. Shortly thereafter, he died. When he arrived at the pearly gates, he was stopped by St. Peter.

"I'm sorry sir, but you know the rule -- 'you can't take it with you.' You may enter, but the suitcase has to stay outside."

"But God told me I could bring one suitcase," the man protested.

"Well, if God says it's O.K. -- but I still need to examine the contents before you enter."

St. Peter took the suitcase from the man, opened it, and, looking very puzzled, said to the man, "You brought pavement?"

Thanks LEE for this SMILE

Two ladies met on the street and were updating each other on the latest news.

The one lady said "Did you hear that I got a labrador puppy for my husband?"

To which the other lady replied, "Oh, GOOD TRADE!!!"

A man goes to see a lawyer. "How much do you charge?" he asks. "A flat fee of 500 dollars," he replies. So the man asks, "And what do I get for 500 dollars?", and the lawyer says "Three questions. Now what is your third question?"

There were once two skunks, who were brothers, and there names were In and Out. One day In and Out were in the house and their Mother told them to go out and play. So In and Out went out and In and Out were out for a while and finally out came in and In stayed out. So the Mother told Out to go out and find In and bring In in. So Out went out to look for In and Out was out for a while. Finally Out found In out hiding behind a bush. So Out brought In in and the Mother asked Out where he found In and Out said In was out hiding behind a bush and she said, "If In was out hiding behind a bush how were you able to find him?" and Out said, "Instinct".

From: Jokes you can tell on the radio contests, "mailto:info@www.radio.cbc.ca"

GOOD WORK

Two extra work crews were hired by the local power company to help replace some hydro poles that had been knocked over in a recent storm. At the end of the day the boss asks the first crew "How many poles did you put in?" The lead hand replied that they had installed twelve poles.

"Not bad" says the boss.

He then asks the second crew how many poles they had been able to install.

The lead hand of the second crew proudly announces "Three poles Sir."

"What!!??" exclaims the boss "The other crew did twelve...how could you guys only manage three?"

The second crew leader replied "Yeah they did twelve, but look at how much they left sticking out of the ground!"

A Pastor was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked. "Why do you dress funny?"

He told him he was a Pastor and this is the uniform Pastors wear.

Then the boy pointed to the Pastor's plastic collar tab and asked, "Do you you have an owie?"

The Pastor was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band aid. So the Pastor took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.

The little guy felt the letters, and the Pastor asked, "Do you know what those words say?"

"Yes I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"

POOR OLD GEORGE

95-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.

Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," He said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"

Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

TRUE FACT ...

Humans begin laughing at two to three months of age. Six year olds laugh about 300 times per day, while adults laugh from 15 to 100 times per day.

SOURCE: NYT, Dr. William F. Fry, Stanford University

Copyright Information: Phillip Bower is not the author of the humor, and does not claim to own any copyright privileges to the jokes. Sources of jokes are listed when known. Birthday's and Happenings for the date, and quotations are public knowledge and collected from numerous sources. Quotations are public knowledge and sources are listed when known. Weekendspirations are written by Tim Knappenberger who has copyright privileges. Cathy Vinson authors Whispers from the Wilderness and owns copyright privileges. Weekendspirations and Whispers from the Wilderness are used with permission by the respective authors. Other devotions are written by Phillip Bower unless otherwise stated. In all cases credit is given when known. The Daily Miscellany is nonprofit. Submissions by readers is welcome.

THE REST – January 8

Today's Quotations — TIME

Today's Word – DECRY

Today's Fact