THE REST –    January 12
  

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The French says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him a small vial of a dark liquid. The Frenchman holds it up, says, "Vive la France!", swallows the liquid, and promptly dies.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol. He points it at his head, says, "God save the Queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled but he shrugs, and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing all over, it's horrible.

The chief is appalled, and asks, "WHAT are you doing?"

The New Yorker says, "So much for your canoe, you stupid jerk!"

Contributed by Danielle Krivas From DigiDay

  A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?"

The blonde thinks this is a great idea and locks herself up for two weeks studying.

The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!"

The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her.

He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?"

The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!" 

Contributed by Joe Barber From DigiDay

From: Kasha Linka

A Few of The Great Imponderables!
         
1.   When an agnostic dies, does he go to the "great perhaps"?

2.   Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

3.   Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?

4.   Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

5.   If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting?

6.   If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

7.   Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?

8.   When you go into a hotel you always see reception.  Why  do you never just see ception?

9.  Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at  fortune tellers take economists seriously?

10.  If genetic scientists crossed a chicken with a zebra would they get a four legged chicken with it's own barcode?

11.  If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why  practice?

12.  Why is there always one in every crowd? 

13.  If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?

14.  Is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time?

15.  How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
                                              

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old  slacks and a sweat shirt, put mud pack on her face and proceeded to wash her hair.  As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.  At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into           their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.   As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old ask with  a trembling voice,  "Who was that?"

THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS WHAT THEY SEEM

A little girl walked daily to and from school. Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trip to school.

As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning.The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school, and she herself feared the electrical storm might harm her child.

Following the roar of thunder, lightning, like a flaming sword would cut through the sky. Full of concern, the mother quickly got in her car and drove along the route to her child's school.

As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile.

Another and another were to follow quickly, each with the little girl stopping, looking up and smiling. Finally, the mother called over to her child and asked, "What are you doing?"

The child answered, "Smiling, God just keeps taking pictures of me."

Have A Great Day