ALL THE REST –    January 23
  

A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22 (NIV)

Collections the past weeks have been awfully short, so the good priest announced just before offertory, "Just a reminder. Consider what you are about to give. It is deductible, it can't be taken with you to the afterlife, and it is considered by the Bible to be the root of all evil."

A little boy fell sick at church. He told his father, "I gotta throw up." So his father told him to go to the restroom. A few moments later, he came back. He told his father, "I didn't have to go to the restroom. There's a little box by the door that says, 'For the sick.' "

As the earthquake rumbled through causing the church's belfry to come crashing down during Sunday service, the Reverend remarked, "Don't worry. We are insured against acts of God."

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED FROM KIDS

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock, even though a 40 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

A 4 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42      pound boy wearing a superman cape.

It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak -- it explodes.

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.

Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

Duplo's will not.

Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

Ditto Tarzan.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you  still can't walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

Plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth  worms dizzy.

It will, however, make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.

A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life.  (Unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).