New US Stamps
The post office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers. It seems
people were confused as to which side to spit on.
Too Young for Heaven
A young lawyer dies and is sent to heaven.
Upon his arrival, he meets St. Peter at the Gate. St. Peter asks the
lawyer his name and looks up his entry in the Great Big Book.
St. Peter then looks at the lawyer and says, "You look very good for
being 138 years old."
Astonished, the lawyer replies, "There must be some mistake, I am
only 32."
St. Peter responds, "Not according to your billable hours."
David A. Rinke II | Funny Pages Mailing List
A Test For Memory Loss
The doctor was administering a test for
memory loss to three old gentlemen.
He asked, "What is 3 times 3?"
The first old man replied, "One Hundred and Fifty Six."
The doctor turned to the second old man. "What's three times three?"
The second old man said, "Tuesday."
The doctor then asked the same of the third man who answered, "Nine."
And how did you arrive at that answer?", asked the doctor.
The third old man answered, "Easy...I just subtracted Tuesday from 156 and I got
nine."
A Can of Spinach
As an experiment, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician
are placed in separate rooms and left with a can of spinach, but rooms are opened,
one-by-one.
In the first room, the engineer is snoring, with a battered, opened and emptied can. When
asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he beat the can to its failure point.
In the second room, the physicist is seen mouthing equations, with a can popped open
beside him. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he examined the stress points
of the can, applied pressure, and "pop!"
In the third room, the mathematician is found sweating, and mumbling to himself,
"Assume the can is open, assume the can is open...""
Grandma buys a Car?
One day, an elderly woman was walking along the
street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that
day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive
herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks
into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her
what kind of car she wants and she replies,
"Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate
or anger."
The owner replies, "Well, let's see... Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a
couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?"
The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her
shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this
color sonny."
To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could
I show you a nice blue one?"
"No son, I want this color."
"But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?"
says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.
By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby
chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the
office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old
woman was so upset about.
The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's
corn!"?"
Just Follow My
instructions
There once was a man who died and went to heaven. When he got to heaven,
there were two doors. One had a sign above it saying "Married Men" and the
second door had a sign reading "Single Men". He was married, so he went through
the first door. Upon entering, he saw two more doors. One had a sign reading "Men
Dominated by Their Wives" and the second read "Men NOT Dominated by Their
Wives". The line for men dominated by their wives was so long it wrapped around
heaven several times. However, at the other door, there was only one man, just standing
there. So, the married man approaches the lone man under the Not-Dominated sign and asks:
"Why are you just standing there? Aren't you going in?"
To which the gentleman replied: "Oh, I don't know. My wife just told me to stand
here."
From Digaday
(A PRAYER)
"Lord, Thou knowest better than I know myself that I am growing older...Keep me
from the fatal habit of thinking I must say something on every subject and on every
occasion. Release me from craving to straighten out everybody's affairs. Make
me thoughtful but not moody; helpful but not bossy. With my vast store of wisdom, it
seems a pity not
to use it all, but Thou knowest, Lord, that I want a few friends at the end."
From: William H. Rayborn
Today's Word –
VITROLIC
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