Tasteless
Cannibal Jokes
A cannibal is a man who loves his
neighbors, with gravy, that is.
A cannibal is someone who lives on
other people.
Quipped the missionary, about to be
boiled, "At least they will have a taste of religion.
Said the cannibal, "My wife
makes delicious soup, but I'll miss her."
Speaker's Encyclopedia of Jokes, Puns,
Riddles, Quotations & Alternate Dictionary
The Sam Rosenberg decides to take the opportunity
while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and
gets the seat stuck
to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the
doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go. When they get to the doctor's, the
man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament.
The man asks, "Doctor Goldberg, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."
Punctuation
An English Professor wrote the words,
"woman without her man is a savage" on the blackboard and directed his students
to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is a savage."
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is a savage."
Faded
Photographs
A woman brought an old picture of her dead
husband, wearing a hat, to the photographer. She wanted to know if the photographer could
remove the hat from the picture. He convinced her he could easily do that, and asked her
what side of his head he parted his hair on.
"I forgot," she said. "But you can see that for yourself when you take off
his hat."
Adam Picking a Partner
God had just finished creating Adam. God said to him
"Adam, I want you to pick out a partner from any of the animals in the garden."
So Adam looked around trying to find a mate. After a few minutes Adam said to God
"God, none of these animals will do." So God made a woman for Adam. Adam looked
at the woman and said to God "God, why did you make her so beautiful?"
God replied "So you will like her Adam."
Adam said, "But God, she is just SO beautiful why is she so beautiful?"
"So you will like her" God replied.
Then Adam asked, "But God, why did you make her so stupid?"
God replied "So she will like you."
Procrastinator's Creed
I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I
could expect to receive from missing them.
I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding
discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time
given.
If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word,
when I get around to it.
I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the
task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the
greater task.
I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles
(the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.
Wham !!!
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully
enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his head
with a huge frying pan.
Man: "What was that for?"
Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou
written on it?"
Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was
the name of one of the horses I bet on."
The wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the house. Three days later he
is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
Man: "What did you do that for now?"
Wife: "Your horse called."
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